


Existence

by Leva



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Bad Decisions, Betrayal, Character Death, Comedy, Dominance, F/M, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kink, Loss, Predator/Prey, Recovery, References to Depression, Regret, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Rough Sex, Submission, Teasing, Tragedy, Trauma, Trust
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-03-30 21:57:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 65,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13960863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leva/pseuds/Leva
Summary: He was a tool used to save humanity. He was armor of flesh and blood and he had no mind of his own. So why did he suppress the human in the nape of his neck whenever you were around and took control? Why did he feel a pulse in his chest when you looked his way? Why did he try to kiss you back that faithful evening when you had kissed his lipless mouth? Did he...exist? (Titan Eren Yaeger x Reader) (Various x Reader as the story evolves)





	1. The Aberrant

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where I'm going with this work. It's my first work here so I hope I'm able to finish it! I have a basic idea of the plot, but everything else is just a big mess in my little head.  
> Hopefully you enjoy the story and leave me some feedback so I know what you think.  
> :)

The scourging sun beamed over the flat, grassy landscape, feeding both trees and flowers with warm, blinding sunrays. Though not only plants engulfed the midday light, no.

A certain, fifteen meter being had joined them in their feast, for reasons he himself failed to understand.

It was not his body storing energy from mere sunlight that baffled him, but the fact that he was still in such a body. A titan's body.

Earlier that day, when the sun was still weak and fresh he had been stolen from his bed and brought here, to this dried well.

And all because of Hanji's research.

She had come up with new theories and needed him to help evolve them into facts that would help understand titans better.

But he hadn't complained.

It was for the sake of humanity, it would be a step forward to victory so he had willingly acted upon his powers.

For hours he had stayed inside his titan, doing what was expected and in the end leaving all satisfied until the time for extraction came.

And as if time passed without him, within a blink he saw horror.

His co-workers wounded, most near death and squirming in his feet, steaming wounds covering his raw muscles and blood coloring his fists.

Why?

Because he had betrayed them. Turned against them when they had tried to tear him away from his armor of flesh and bone.

Had he, once a raging fighter for humanity, gone against his own kind? Had he truly evolved into what people took him for?

Had he become a titan?

A vague sting to his palm caused him to choke on the breath he had been taking in so slowly and without devotion.

His gaze, once blurred and distant, focused down on the hands he had laid over his slightly sunken in the soil, resting hips.

A frail human was kneeling in one of his opened palms and was looking up at him with a sharp stare.

The whirled rag you had used to catch his attention still in your hand and ready to strike again if needed.

And as if your eyes weren't enough to express your irritation with him you spoke up, your voice forceful and scolding, like you were giving him an order he couldn't decline.

"Stop."

Nothing but a steamy exhale left the large being, despite his heated struggle to make out a decent answer. So instead he settled for a stiff nod.

It was then that he noticed the dried blood stains missing and left his eyes to linger over his clean hands before returning them to you, who had changed your position to cross-legged and leaned back on your palms.

A slight change could be seen in his harsh stare once he turned to you. It became softer, more gentle and lost its usual fierce glint. Like it was him, Eren, that gazed down at you and not his titan.

A massive thumb was pressed firmly against your back before slowly starting to draw circles, showing gratitude for your devotion.

You had scrubbed away the mess on your own free will, let it be from wanting to save him from bearing the horrid memories that still stood fresh in his mind or just to make him look as human as possible so that his cruel self-description could change.

Had you not let out a soft sigh of pleasure he would have kept sinking in his own endless thoughts. But he shook them away and remained focused on your small form, relishing the haggard, but happy smile you kept present.

As if his chest was going to burst from being filled with so much emotion each time a muffled call of appreciation left your resting form.

Eren despised his shell, he despised everything about it's fleshy construct, but mostly he despised the fact that no matter how caring and tender his smile grew you were unable to see it. You couldn't see his content expression, couldn't hear the soft, thankful words he left to slip freely just for you.

For he cared for you, cherished you. You were his closest friend.

You couldn't understand how much it meant to him for you to just be there, with him, and keep him from losing what small piece of sanity he had left.

No matter what he did his titan refused to mimic any of it, to show emotion. Because it was just that, a shell. Soulless and dull.

With a slow pat to the rough skin that was his palm you rose to your feet and flung the stained wet rag over your exposed elbow, avoiding to dirty up your wrinkled uniform.

Despite the giant being gentle you still suffered a light stumble back when he moved his hand to the ground for you to climb off.

You took in his gaze, which held the vaguest signs of emotion, while struggling to return the heavy bucket to the wooden cottage that held a small distance from you two.

The water, once calm, now rocked against the old iron in a color that mildly surpassed that of fresh blood. One which you had been cleaning off the titan's hands all afternoon.

Work took your mind away from the cruelty your own kind forced onto one another.

"If we fail to recruit him-"

You remembered those cold words when you had first joined the meeting for Eren's rescue mission and had unfortunately heard the reason as to why you had been assigned to watch over him until night.

"-we kill him." you forced out, your voice thin like you were afraid that you would be heard.

You were there to calm him, to lull him into a daze.

And then betray him.

Like someone had forced their fist in your stomach, nausea hit you, causing your weary feet to lose what little strength they had left. Though only when you clumsily set the bucket on the wooden floor inside the cottage did you sink to being seated and leaned against one of the legs of the table behind you.

Eren had been treated like an animal since he was first recruited in the Servey Corps. His own comrades were ready to kill him if he made even the slightest mistake, because he was a monster to them, now more so than before. Though one thing your fellow co-workers missed, for which you hated all of them, even your closest friends.

Everyone saw Eren as a weapon and a threat, but what they failed to understand was that it wasn't his titan that was taking away his humanity, but they themselves. They treated him as if a dog, but still expected him to fight for them.

Humans were selfish, and yet so were you. Because you would go against Erwin's words, you would lose his trust and that of your comrades, but if the mission failed, you would, for the first time, stay on the titans' side.

From the very birth of the rescue plan you prepared yourself to turn your back to all that you knew and loved without even considering that the outcome might end successfully.

Rather skeptical on your behalf. Or was your pessimism the fruit of your desire for Eren's affection? If you two ran away, humanity wouldn't be his main priority, but you.

With a deep exhale you stood up and left the cottage, meeting once again a distant look on the titan's inhuman features.

You really were nothing more than a selfish kid.

"Thinking of it won't bring you far, Eren." you sighed, your expressing holding pity towards the trapped boy.

Even he thought of himself as a titan.

"The sun is falling." you turned your attention away to look at the warming sunset with partly closed eyes.

"Eren..."

Your call sounded so weak and yet you were cradled in a large hand just a moment after.

You laid a palm on the tip on his nose, savoring the feeling of heated skin under your cold, worn fingers.

"Eren," your forehead was leaned against the high bridge of his nose, hands clasped over one another and resting under your chin "I won't let them hurt you, Eren." you pressed your nose harder against his and reeled in a shaky breath "I promise."

So many times he had stood by your side and protected you. He had been the one to shield you from your Corporal's wrath and from your close friend's psychopathic, titan favoring mind. Eren had willingly played the role of your guardian and at this moment, when he finally failed to protect himself, you were there for him.

And you would not fail him.

With a vague smile you applied a soft kiss on the titan's nose before shuffling to sit on the edge of his hand.

Your hair was unfolded from its lose bun when a long exhale left Eren's mildly agape mouth.

You couldn't help but scrunch your face when the wave of hot steam crashed into you, though you returned to drawing your fingers over the neat line of teeth as soon as it passed.

Without much thought you pressed your mouth against his own, your hands no longer lingering, but rather pressing firmer against his teeth to expand your affectionate action.

He was your Eren, and despite not being the strongest soldier, despite the love for you race, you would turn against humanity for him. You would leave your home for him, give your life for him.

Even while knowing that your devotion was one-sided. He had vowed to reach his goals and until then there was no space for you. Humanity stood before you.

So why did he reciprocate your actions? Why did you feel the large mouth pressure against yours so gently yet roughly, as if he was fighting his own urge to preserve your frail body from breaking.

Why did he kiss back? Was he trying to free himself from being in your debt? Was he returning you the favor for keeping him company through the day? Or did he feel pity for your hopeless addiction.

Did he feel guilty for not being able to return your affection?

Tears prickled your closed eyes while your chest whelmed in sorrow.

Reality was cruel, sadistic even, because no matter your constant struggling you couldn't reach past the line of a simple friend.

You were just that. A friend. And only in your head would your selfish fantasies come to life. So you pushed your thoughts aside, just to be able to treasure the moment for as long as it lasted. Because you knew that this was the last time Eren turned his back to his own dreams. Just for you.

No emotion could be read in the murky green gaze that basked you in attention once the titan leaned away.

Though not only had his eyes changed, but his whole face as well.

His expression was unreadable, hollow to the eye and so much reminded you of those that the titans held.

"Eren?" you called meekly, your voice fading from uneasiness under his blank stare "Eren?"

Nothing. He just stared, eyes empty.

"Eren...?"

A rash shudder rocked your body from the fear you were yet to realize and repudiate.

Why did he seem so different all of a sudden?

Your breath hitched at the intrusive memory of him holding the same visual expression when he turned against Mikasa. Eren had tried to kill his own sister while in a state that greatly resembled his current...so...was he...

"Eren..." you repeated with a voice as regretful as the look in your eyes.

Was he even in control?

A chopped breath escaped you once the titan abruptly moved his hand towards his shoulder.

Your knees buckled the moment you stepped on the vast fleshy muscles that seemed to strain under your insignificant presence.

So he was still in control.

With trembling movements you crawled past the curtains of hair and leaned back to rest against Eren's neck until your feet shook off the tremor that had possessed them.

"I'm sorry, Eren." you sighed and looked up at the dim stars that peeked through the mass of dark brown strands "I thought you'd lost control." you couldn't help but smile in irony.

"Guess I'm not much different from the rest."

A low and heavy grumble was the only sign of acknowledgement you received, though it was enough to lift your guilt.

You were, after all, only a mere human, thus your way of thinking was very similar to that of the rest. What humanity didn't understand should be feared. It was a laughable motto, but very true, because even you hadn't been able to change it.

You buried your hand in the thick hair that kept away the cold night air from reaching you and with fingers sprawled widely apart dragged it down.

Each knot you found you untangled with great tenderness, earning yourself a long exhale from the calm giant. Until he fell silent and the knots in the strands around you were no more.

His breaths sounded even, he didn't move either, only continued to slowly bend forward.

He was asleep.

Gripping a handful of hair you stood and blindly walked forward until you passed the wall of hair thus receiving short vision from the moon's dull light.

You could see where you stood and the vague outlines of Eren's shoulder, but apart from that nothing, not even where the ground was.

A last, guilty glance was sent to the titan's hung head before you pulled a flat piece of metal from your boot.

You lifted it above your head to let the moonlight reflect in its surface, signaling the hidden recruit team in the most silent way they had been able to come up with.

The guttural sound of torn flesh poured in your ears, though soon was deafened by a searing roar.

The surface beneath you jerked suddenly, forcing you off your feet and flying head first towards the ground you still couldn't see.

Your ears screamed as an aftereffect from what was Eren's battle cry, though you could still hear the distant, distinct sound of maneuver gear all around you.

You saw, even in the dark that someone was flying towards you, hopefully with the intention to catch you before you and the grassy soil met. And as they passed by the crook between the falling giant's shoulder and neck a glimpse of light hit them to reveal the stoned features of Captain Ackerman.

You watched his hands leave his sides and spread wide apart, ready to catch you once he was close enough.

And within a blink he would have been.

Until a wall of massive fingers stopped him, forcing him to move away and watch as you were enclosed in a loose grip.

You felt the impact of the fall, softer than you had expected, even when in the titan's lifeless fist. But it seemed to you that as you struggled your way out of the hand it tightened around you, as if expressing its own opinion on whenever you were allowed to leave.

You shook your head, dismissing the irrational thoughts and took in a deep breath.

Your mind was playing tricks on you and it didn't surprise you. Falling from a titan's shoulder and almost getting crushed did have a certain influence on one's sanity, but it would wear off. You were sure of it.

Despite your legs still shaking you trusted them to lead you to the familiar boy that was seated on the grass with his head bowed low and a blanket over his hung shoulders.

"Eren." you smiled softly when he lifted his head, revealing a pale and drained face "Are you hurt?"

The boy barely shook his head before attempting to pull the blanket closer only to fail from his own lack of energy.

"Thank you," you tugged the rough sheet forward until it completely covered the boy's upper body "for saving me."

You wrapped him in a sloppy hug, letting your head rest briefly on his shoulder before leaving him to gather his thoughts while you recruited your transport.

Eren watched you as you disappeared in the crowd of soldiers, his eyes visibly tired, and with a feint voice mumbled, like he was scared to admit it to himself.

"It wasn't me."

His attention averted to the large green orbs that seemed to glare at him.

Maybe he didn't tell you in fright that you would refuse to go anywhere near him after. Or maybe he just didn't want to hurt you again after diverting your affection for him. But Eren Jaeger had been drawn back in a restless dream full of memories ever since you had disappeared inside the cottage and had remained as such until his extraction.

He had no memory of the events that had occurred at that time, and honestly he held little interest in them.

He was just thankful that his closest friend was still alive.

Because only very few had the luck to survive after a day spent in the presence of an unchained fifteen meter Aberrant.


	2. Blind like a bat

It was a sunny morning, so sunny in fact that it caused you to pull the simple brown blanket off the upper part of your body, revealing a white tank-top underneath. You lay in bed, still groggy, but surprisingly not cranky.

How could you be cranky when your mind was too preoccupied filling itself with questions? They swirled and raced so fast that before you were able to find a piece of an answer for one a brand new one would pop up in your head.

Your hair was scattered around your face, pooling on the pillow beneath you, it was tangled and messy and most mornings you couldn’t stand it and would brush it right away, but today was different.

The hand that had rested next to your side traveled sluggishly to your chest and you gripped your top where your heart was. The other hand simply lay on your forehead to block the morning sun rays that flooded your room through the window.

Your eyes were hazy and your expression was blank. You were visibly not there, too delved in your own mind to acknowledge your surroundings.

“Eren…” you exhaled in a soft whisper.

He had kissed you back, finally, after so long waiting and hoping he would see you as something more than a friend he had finally done something to push your relations into further development. Yet some part of the whole reciprocation seemed off. The more you thought about it the clearer that something became.

Maybe it was because he was a titan when you kissed?

No. That wasn’t it, titan or human you loved him all the same, no matter which form he took your feelings never changed.

So what was the problem then? Why had it felt…strange?

Maybe it hadn’t been a kiss at all. Maybe you had imagined that he was returning your affection and his titan form had simply leaned a bit closer for no intended reason.

You groaned and hid your face in your hands. You were confusing yourself too much.

The only way you could be sure was to just ask Eren and be done with the situation instead of lying in bed for hours stressing.

This was ridiculous.

“(Y/N)?”

The door to your room opened to reveal a concerned Krista with a wooden plate full of…something in her free hand. You couldn’t tell, the door was blocking your view.

“Krista?” you sat up, exposing your back to the warm sun and blinked in surprise “Can I help you?”

The blond girl at the door fidgeted a bit with the door handle and mumbled something under her breath before shaking her head.

“No, I’m…I’m here to bring you breakfast.” she stated, her eyes lowering to the ground in embarrassment “Captain Levi’s orders.”

You nodded and your hands instinctively went to comb through your hair, trying to make yourself a bit more presentable.

You knew you should have combed the damn thing hours ago. Now you just looked like a homeless runt. And in front of someone, might you add.

“Don’t stand there like a thief. Come in.” you smiled lightly and gestured for Krista to come inside while eyeing the bread and potato on the plate.

“Ah, I’m sorry…I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

You patted her on the shoulder once she gave you the plate, and giggled.

“No, I’ve just been enjoying my day off.”

“E-eh? You have a day off today?” Krista gasped in surprise and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as if she hadn’t heard you correctly.

You bit into the bun and nodded, brushing a few crumbs that fell on your chest.

“Yeah, after spending the day tending to Eren’s titan, Erwin thought it best to let me relax and gather my thoughts before I start my training again.”

“That’s so nice of him…Although, I haven’t heard anything about how it went.” Krista giggled and rubbed her neck nervously “There have been some rumors, though, but I’m not a big fan of those.”

“Rumors?” you suddenly found it difficult to swallow “What rumors?”

The pink tint that appeared on your cheeks was unmistakable, you were sure, but it seemed Krista didn’t notice it.

Was this about the kiss? Had Eren actually told someone?

“Uhm. They say Captain Levi rushed in before the rest of the soldiers to save you from falling.”

You mentally sighed, relief washed over you and in a matter of seconds you regained your usual composure.

“Jean said that you and Levi were…doing intimate things…together.” Krista turned a dark tone of red and her habits kicked in right away. She started to fidget with her jacket nervously, the stutter in her voice - imminent “B-but I’m sure it’s not true! I don’t believe him I promise! But if it’s true there’s nothing wrong w-“

You burst out laughing, causing her to flinch and look away.

“Come on, you can’t tell me those were Jean’s exact words. He probably doesn’t know what “intimate” means…or “things”. And no Krista, he’s my superior and like a brother to me, I can’t see him as a fuck friend.”

“(Y/N)!” the blond twitched in her spot.

“Calm down, Krista. He’s not near to hear me.” you beamed and took another bite from your bread “He’s probably off somewhere torturing the new recruits.”

Another knock came from the old wooden door, causing you to turned your gaze from the embarrassed Krista and meet a familiar green-eyed individual who walked in looking uneasy and…very concerned.

“Damn, I’m getting popular.” you joked and grinned “Come in, Eren, and good morning.”

“Morning Krista, (Y/N).” Eren mumbled tiredly in a raspy voice.

You noted he must have been completely exhausted after spending a whole day in his titan form, and were actually surprised to see him up so early.

“Good morning, Eren.” Krista nodded politely.

“Krista, can I…speak to (Y/N) alone?...If you don’t mind.” Eren rubbed the back of his neck and gave one of his signature awkward smiles.

Something, however, seemed off about it. It looked forced out for an unknown reason and you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. There was something bothersome about his usually outgoing, hot-headed demeanor.

“Ah, of course!” Krista practically jumped from her spot on your bed and smiled back at you before heading for the door “Don’t forget to finish your breakfast, (Y/N). I hope you have a good rest today.”

“Thanks, Krista, and will do.” you replied and raised the now half-eaten bread for her to see, earning a small giggle from her.

God, she sure was the angel of the Survey Corps. You wondered why exactly she had chosen to join this awful organization; it just didn’t suit her character.

As soon as Krista shut the door behind her Eren replaced her spot on the bed next to you and rested a hand on your blanketed ankles.

“I didn’t mean to barge in so early, especially today. But I need to ask you something serious.” he admitted “I haven’t slept all night, I was thinking, and as soon as the sun rose I couldn’t help myself.” his emerald orbs averted from the window to you before he asked with a voice dripping with regret “(Y/N), what happened yesterday?”

“E-eh?”

You were speechless. Words piled in your throat and created a heavy, uncomfortable lump. Anxiety hit you like a train and you subconsciously pulled yourself away from him and farther in your bed, your breakfast – suddenly forgotten and set aside next to you.

“What do you mean, Eren?”

“I mean, I don’t remember anything.” he stated in frustration, not bothering to pull you closer for at least some comforting contact.

In his mind he deserved to be refused comfort, after all, he had left you all afternoon with an Aberrant that could have ripped you to pieces. But he was sincere, he remembered nothing and it confused him because it hadn’t happened since his first transformation.

It scared him. What if it were to happen again and someone else or you weren’t as lucky as the last time.

He would have never forgiven himself if you had turned out injured yesterday…or worse.

“You don’t remember anything? At all?”

The question made him want to sink in his spot.

“I remember some parts. But they’re just bits and pieces. And after you went into that cottage – nothing, at all. I just remember being torn out of that…cage.” Eren shifted his eyes to the floor, but then with a new gush of hope reached for you and cupped one of your hands in his “But I’m glad you’re alright. I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if – “

“ – I…” you tumbled over thoughts and words alike, too shocked to pull your hand away.

_“I kissed a titan…”_

“You?” Eren nudged forward, his grip on your hand tightening.

You shook your head, dismissing the thought for the current moment. You couldn’t tell him that, you’d earn yourself an even worse reputation than Hange and you honestly didn’t think there was any lower than hers. Until now.

“Nothing happened. You weren’t hostile.” you reassured him, the pang in your chest a bit hard to ignore and the panic that was washing over you like icy cold waves made it even harder for you to remain calm, but you did “You were calm. You didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. You just seemed a bit hollow at times, but I suppose now I know why that was.”

For the first time that morning Eren smiled sincerely.

“I’m glad.” he sighed and rubbed your hand “I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if something were to happen to you.”

_“Yeah, about that…”_

Your mind raced to think of an excuse for him to leave and before you could muster up a good scenario your tongue slipped.

“I’ll be going to see my Captain soon so I have to start getting dressed.” you blurted out, a blank expression on your face.

You stood up, bare feet touching the sun warmed floor, and headed for your dresser.

You really hoped Eren had believed you as well as your body had because you were shuffling through your shirts before you even realized what was happening.

You heard Eren stand from your bed with a familiar squeak from the old wood to follow.

“Guess I’ll see you around then.” Eren smiled lightly, grabbing the door handle “Oh and…thanks, (Y/N).”

“For what?” you asked, finally choosing a shirt. No wonder it was so hard to choose, they were all the same.

“For being there yesterday. You’re real life-saver.”

“Anything for a friend.” you didn’t turn to him for a goodbye when he left, just stared at the bleach white shirt in your hand, afraid that if you blinked you would stain it with tears.

A hand pressed against the wardrobe’s door as you began to shake, the image from yesterday replaying in your head, but this time with the knowledge that it wasn’t Eren facing you, but an actual titan.

“Oh my God…” you slid to your knees, your eyes still staring into nothing, unblinking.

The fact that Eren didn’t remember your kiss didn’t bother you anymore, that was long forgotten. What bothered you, sent shivers down your spine and made your heart race like you were a small child running from a pack of wolves, was that you had spent an entire evening with an Aberrant.

An Aberrant, which could have swallowed you whole, or chewed you to bits in its disgusting, wretched mouth first. An Aberrant like those which you had watched tear your comrades and friends to pieces like they were nothing. And Aberrant that had destroyed your home and eaten your parents like they had been pieces of candy.

 _“An Aberrant…”_   you thought and even the voice in your head sounded frighteningly weak.

You swallowed heavily and shakily rose. Your mind was made up; you needed to talk to Hange.

**~O~**

Hange was a crazy woman, she expected anything and from what you knew nobody had ever seen even a speck of fear in her eyes. However, when you practically busted down the door to her lab, while, of course, blurting out a greeting and a respectful salute for her superior rank over you, you could tell she was startled.

The two flasks she held in her hands were risen high in a protective manner and her eyes were about to pop out of her head.

After realization hit her and she comprehended who had barged in her underground heaven she recomposed herself and cleared her throat.

“(Y/N), you…startled me. Ah! Hello! Yes, I uhm – “ she smirked like the devil himself before raising an all-knowing eyebrow at you “ – Have you come to finally accept my offer and let me guide you under my wing as a student of science?”

You couldn’t help but giggle at that.

“No, Hange, sadly I haven’t decided yet. I’m here for something else.”

The mad scientist set the flasks within their case and sat in her chair, turning to you. The concoction she was brewing would wait for another time.

She motioned for you to sit on her assistant’s chair a few feet from hers and leaned forward.

“Spill your little titan taming heart out.”

You caught the joking jealousy in her voice and waved her off with a laugh.

Hange had declared her jealousy of you the moment she had witnessed how gentle and caring Eren had been with you in his titan form a while ago. That affection had been the scientist’s dream yet she could only watch from the ground as you were cradled into Eren’s face every time you were present at one of her experiments.

She had practically started drooling while watching you two before scribbling away frantically in her notebook. During one experiment she had even tried to replicate your gestures to see if Eren would do the same with her, but he simply watched her with a confused face.

That’s when Hange had realized that it wasn’t the gestures that made Eren act, but the person performing them. And since then she joked around and called you a titan whisperer, which made you a bit queasy, but you accepted the nickname regardless.

Hm.

Served her right for torturing the poor boy, he looked scared of her even when he was in his titan form. It was laughable. And honestly you couldn’t complain about the gentle moans and grunts you received whenever you were around the titan, sometimes it seemed like you were getting more affection from his titan than Eren himself.

It was painfully ironic.

“Amm, tch,…can titans be passive to humans?” you cringed at your own question “I mean, can they, can they ignore us or interact with us in a non-aggressive way?”

The more you talked the more you sounded like a madman, but you were talking to Hange. She should be able to understand or at least give you an answer without looking at you like you grew a second head.

You saw her lift a thoughtful finger to her thin lips and lean back in her chair, eyebrows scrunched together in thought.

“I doubt it. I’ve never seen a passive titan unless it was at night. Even my babies tend to become aggressive when I visit them more frequently.”

Your face didn’t change, but the emotions inside your stomach were at war and you could feel the half-eaten bread start to rise up to your throat. You were confused to frustration.

Your nails dug in your light brown jacket as you struggled to remain as neutral as ever. You were playing the act of asking a simple question, you didn’t need to make a whole fiasco, not to Hange at least.

If titans couldn’t be passive then that meant Eren was simply lying to you and it made you sick that someone you were so close with would have the arrogance to do such a shameful thing.

“However, I could be wrong. The thing is, we haven’t had an extended period of interaction with titans aside from Sawney and Bean so I don't...Well, I'm not sure.” she continued, tapping a finger to her chin “Titans are a vague mystery still and honestly it could turn out that they even breed but we just haven’t witnessed it. Who knows! That’s why I’m here!” she grinned cheekily at the last part. A true mad scientist she was, indeed.

Honestly, that’s all you needed to hear at the moment. Some sort of consolidation.

You doubted Eren would lie to you, no, you just didn’t want to believe it, and despite Hange’s words holding nothing to actually confirm your experience, a glimmer in the darkness was enough for you. For now.

In time you would find out for sure. Or maybe not, maybe it was a one-time experience and it would never happen again. You dearly hoped it wouldn’t because the thought terrified you – standing in front of a 15 meter titan with no gear or a place to hide. You shivered at the memory and ran your hands down your arms in self-comfort.

It was over, that’s all that mattered.

“Why do you ask, (Y/N)?”

You stiffened in your seat at the question before a handful of stutters jumped out of your mouth.

“I, ugh, th-thought I’d ask. I’m, ah, starting to pick up from you, I guess. On the titan study, that is.”

“Oh. Oh!” a spark flashed in the scientist’s eyes before she stood abruptly and clapped her hand together “Wonderful! Now I just need to continue bugging you until you give in completely!”

You smacked yourself inwardly.

Out of all the reasons you could have thought of, this was the one you had to tell? Now you’d have a permanent Hange stalking you around waiting for your “breaking point”, but then again you could find out more information about your experience yesterday if you helped her with her research.

You waved the thought off. That decision would wait until you went to bed and submitted yourself to your thoughts completely.

“What about Eren? His titan is pretty friendly, right?” you croaked out of nowhere.

You were annoyed with yourself for not being able to just let your thoughts about the subject go for the moment. But you just couldn’t, you were scared and confused, your brain was practically before meltdown from trying to find some sort of explanation while searching through the little knowledge you held for titans.

“He is friendly, yes, but he’s controlling the titan. That’s why.”

“What about when he’s not in control?” you asked.

Hange shrugged and turned her eyes towards the flasks on her desk, outstretching a finger to run it along their glassy necks.

“Then he becomes hostile. He attacked Mikasa the last time he lost control and let’s not talk about yesterday’s accident.”

You nodded, frowning at the image of all the soldiers Eren had wounded the previous day when they had tried to extract him.

“So…for now…there is no known record of an Aberrant being anything but aggressive towards humans.”

“Correct.” Hange glanced at you with a dreamy expression “I wish there was, though, maybe someday I’ll be able to record that and make a breakthrough.”

“I believe in you, Captain.” you smiled only to sink back in your seat when she gave you a creepy smile.

“You’re breaking more and more each second. You will make such a great apprentice.”

The moisture and darkness were definitely getting to her brain now.

“Say (Y/N), since you’re so interested in learning about titans I can always lend you my studies journal.” Hange stated “You can ask me any question if you get stuck on one of the pages.”

You instantly nodded.

“That would be amazing, Captain.”

You heard her sigh in joy at you acceptance before pulling open a drawer in her oak desk and proceeding to rummage through it hastily before pulling out a worn, tanned journal, which seemed to be filled with double the pages that it had been bought with originally.

She placed the journal in your hands and smiled in victory, deciding that that was it for you and that now you were her minion, before returning to her desk to proceed with her experimenting.

“Ah, wait!” she quirked up and harshly grabbed a single candle holder before placing it on the crate next to the chair you were sitting in “You can’t read in such dim lighting. This should help.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

You skimmed through the journal to get a quick idea of what you were about to read, noting the multiple drawings glued with candle wax to the pages. One particular drawing caught your eye – it was Eren’s titan.

Somehow the more you looked at it the less terrifying it seemed.

You absentmindedly ran your fingers over the drawing, noting the details put into making it. Hange could draw, you never knew.

You remembered kissing his mouth and how gently he had pressed against you, how warm his skin was and how his eyes had swallowed you whole during the looks you had shared.

What was wrong with you? What were these thoughts all of a sudden?

“He’s a beauty, eh?”

Your breath hitched and you looked up at Hange startled.

“It’s a titan.” you answered simply.

“Exactly!” the scientist exclaimed in delight before a familiar devilish twinkle reappeared in her eyes “Hey, (Y/N), do you think Eren will agree to a little _experiment_ tomorrow? I have this great idea in my head – “

“ – Hange!” you hissed and gave her a glare “ Don’t you think he’s had enough experimenting lately? Give the poor thing a rest.”

“Nonsense!” she chuckled and raised a finger at you “It’s for science.”

**~O~**

By the time lunch came around you were done with just a few pages of Hange’s journal.

A sharp knock sounded from the heavy door and you almost dropped the journal in surprise. You caught the few pages that had flown out of it and hastily stuffed them back while Hange was distracted with answering the door.

She’d kill you if anything went missing from her precious studies.

“Brat.”

A small smile crept upon your candle lit face when you heard the cold voice coming from the entrance to the lab.

“I’ve been searching for you.”

You looked up to see your Captain with his usual scowl staring down at you.

“Good to see you, Shorty.” Hange chirped behind him with her hands clasped together.

“Foureyes, do you mind telling me what my brat is doing in your filthy cellar?”

“Captain!” you stood up, taking his attention before the scientist could answer “I came here myself. I decided it would be a good opportunity if I learned something new about the titans during my rest day, Sir.”

“That’s completely true. (Y/N) came here on her own will!” Hange added, grinning widely “She has finally decided to take after my steps and become my apprentice!”

Well, that wasn’t entirely true, but considering the situation you decided to go against your judgment and participate in lying to your Captain. It was either this or having him yell at you again and you didn’t feel like enduring that extra spice from him after her gave you a two hour lecture last night. And all that because you had been on Eren’s shoulder when the extraction mission had begun. It’s not like you had any choice, but Levi really didn’t give a damn at that time and instead submitted to his anger.

“Tch…” Levi crossed his arms and turned his eyes from you to the countless stacked, dusty bookshelves decorating the wall behind your chair.

You sighed, your explanation had been accepted.

“I looked for you in your room.” Levi glanced back at you “You’ve barely touched your breakfast. If you don’t get eaten alive you’ll die of starvation.” his voice rose and his eyes darkened “Are you stupid? I sent an order for you to eat. Are you disobeying your superior?”

You clenched the journal tightly in front of your chest, hoping it would somehow protect you from the deadly glare you were forced to withstand.

What were you supposed to tell him now?

“Calm down, Short stuff, she just wasn’t hungry.” Hange stepped in and you gave her a look as if she was your angel, to which she winked sheepishly “So she didn't have breakfast, fine, but she’ll have lunch! Isn’t that right, (Y/N)?”

“Yes, Captain!” you yelped and lifted your gaze from Levi’s feet to his eyes before saluting him.

Levi stood silent, contemplating something unknown to you before he reached out and gripped you by the elbow and forced you closer to him.

“Lunch, now.” he said, dragging you behind him while he turned to leave the laboratory “And this time if you refuse to eat I’ll shove the food down your throat.”

“Yes, Captain.” you nodded at the threat, journal still clutched in your hands.

“Oh (Y/N), don’t forget about tomorrow!” Hange yelled after you.

“Tomorrow?” Levi repeating, turning back to look at the scientist along with you, but unlike his mistrustful glare you had confusion written on your face.

What was she talking about?

“I’ll be performing another experiment with Eren and (Y/N), as my new assistant, has to attend.”

“Didn’t you decide to let Eren rest?” you questioned meekly.

You winced as the grip on your elbow tightened.

“Hell no.” Levi growled “I’m not letting that brat anywhere near (Y/N) again.”

“Might I remind you, Shorty, that since today she is my new apprentice?” Hange smirked proudly.

You were scared to look at your Captain’s face after that statement. Did Hange want you to die?

“She’s in my squad, my responsibility; I’m not risking her life because of your sick titan kinks, Foureyes.”

“Oh come now! I’ll be there with her every step of the way.” Hange waved her hand in disregard “She’ll be just fine.”

It always amazed you how the crazy woman was able to completely ignore your Captain’s anger or his intimidating demeanor. Unlike her you pissed your pants when he looked at you the way he was looking at her now. But she had known him for a lot longer, which gave you hope that in time you would become more comfortable with his character.

“I said no!”

His voice echoed in the large underground laboratory, it almost felt like he had made the flasks on Hange’s desk rattle in their slots. The grip he had on your elbow was deadly at this point and you could feel the prickling sensation of bad blood circulation wash over your lower arm and hand.

“Captain Levi – “ you stuttered while shakily securing Hange’s journal in the inside pocket of your jacket.

“Shut your mouth!”

With that, you were forcefully dragged out of the laboratory, leaving Hange alone with her work. She didn’t look at all bothered, however, and as you spared a last glance her way before the door behind you closed you saw her catch your gaze and smile before winking evilly.

It seems Levi’s refusal had done little to alter the scientist’s decision to take you with her, and despite knowing that both of you would be in trouble when he found out, it just wasn’t like her to simply let things as they were.

You were definitely going to be present on her latest experiment with Eren. Although you weren’t quite sure if you wanted to go.

“Hey brat!”

You blinked in confusion, having been pulled out of your thoughts so abruptly, and laid eyes upon your Captain, who was looking back at you.

“Go find a seat before you trip and make yourself look like an idiot.” he ordered and released your elbow finally “I swear these daydreams about that shitty Yaeger brat will get you killed one day.”

“I wasn’t daydreaming about him, Captain.” you said honestly.

You were given a harsh glare before Levi took two wooden trays in his hand.

“I thought I told you to find a seat, Cadet.”

His voice was like venom and before you knew it, you were already looking for an open spot to plop yourself upon. The mess hall was full and if it weren’t for the hand that had been raised and was currently waving at you, you doubted you would have found a spot on your own no matter how many times you skimmed over the large room.

It was Eren.

You couldn’t help the shy smile that rested onto your lips as you tried to make your way towards him and what you noticed were Mikasa and Armin. While having to dodge a few trays and almost running face first into Reiner’s burly chest, you were almost there and saw Armin pat the free spot next to him.

Almost there…

A sharp nudge into your lower back made you jump.

“Keep moving, brat.”

“Captain?” you asked, looking back to see that the edge of one of the trays he was holding was dangerously close to your back.

“We sit there.” Levi motioned towards a small table in the far back of the hall and, truth be told, you hadn’t really noticed there was a table there at all.

You saw the grin on Eren’s face subside slowly and couldn’t help but give him your best apologetic smile. You saw him quickly turn back to his food and sighed; this was definitely the aftermath of one of your Captain’s death glares, which he seemed to use only on Eren lately.

You almost felt guilty that you had been the cause of it.

“I want you to obey my order for the first time in your lousy Cadet life and fucking stay away from that titan brat.” Levi hissed and practically threw the tray in front of you, causing the small portion of the brownish vegetable soup to spill out of its bowl and soak in the freshly baked bun next to it.

“I’m sorry, Captain, but why should I? Eren hasn’t harmed me in any way.” you swallowed hard and continued “If anything, he’s tried his best to protect me when we’ve had missions together.”

You saw his hand freeze halfway to his mouth with a spoonful of broth in it.

“I’m sorry too…” he looked at you and his expression gave you chills “I’m sorry that you’re a stupid, blind, hormonal little shit that can’t see past Yeager cock. I’m sorry you’ve gotten so bad at training that I’m scared to take you on missions. I’m sorry I’m worried that you’ll fly straight into a titan’s disgusting mouth while in one of your pitiful daydreams!” Levi stood and sharply tossed his tray your way, making it bump into yours, he wasn’t hungry anymore “You’re fucking – “

The last part came out almost like a growl, but he stopped himself and instead of continuing, turned on his heel and left in a stormy hurry.

Your eyes bore into what was left of your soup as you listened to your Captain’s footsteps disappear in the crowd of Cadets.

Maybe you should have kept quiet and actually listened to him for once, but no, you always had to be rebellious and stand against him.

He had been softer with you since day one in his team and you never found out why, but you had taken that opportunity and had stood against him a lot more than beside him. Maybe he had finally snapped and had enough of you, or maybe you had just pushed him too far this time.

Your mind contemplated whether you should run after him and apologize and maybe stop pushing your luck and actually listen to him next time.

You stirred the vegetable both inside your bowl with disdain, your fingers barely holding your spoon.

Ok, so maybe you did mess up a bit this time.

A hand was laid over yours, making you snap your eyes up to see three concerned faces looking down at you.

“What was that all about?” Eren asked while settling down opposite of you and retracting his hand from yours after giving it a gentle rub.

“It was nothing…” you sighed and lowered your eyes, earning a frown from Eren.

“It didn’t look like nothing.” he pushed and cocked his head to the side, hoping to get something more out of you.

“Are you okay, (Y/N)?” Armin looked back just in case Levi was still in ear sight before putting a hand to the side of his mouth and whispering “The Captain seemed really angry.”

“Was this about Eren again?” Mikasa questioned before taking another bite from her boiled potato.

You didn’t want to reply so instead you rigidly nodded, beyond embarrassed.

The trio knew you would constantly get in trouble with Levi because of Eren and in the begging it was fine, it only made them trust you more and more since you were ready to stand to the almighty Levi just for them. However, as time proceeded it became a joke between you four and every time you would wind up in a distressful situation, Eren would be the first one to tease you and declare that it had been because of him again.

Today, though, it actually was and you saw their eyes shift to one another before Eren spoke up.

“I’m telling you, (Y/N), the Shorty has a thing for you. Why do you deny it?”

“He’s my Captain, Titan boy, he sees me as a Cadet and a part of his team.” you laughed and shook your head “He’s never seen me as anything more.”

“Then you’re blind.”

“Mikasa!” Armin gasped then turned to you with an apologetic look.

“What’s with everyone calling me blind today?” you moaned, an annoyed scowl upon your face “Last time I checked I wasn’t a bat.”

Eren laughed, sincerely and with girth, before choking on the piece of bread that had been in his mouth and leaning forward in a fit of coughs. Mikasa stood in a blink and started patting his back worriedly while calling out to him. You were powerless against the giggle that erupted from you at the sight. 

“Hey, (Y/N).” Armin averted his attention to your pitiful food tray, noticing the soggy bread and the spilled soup and gently pushed his tray towards you “You can have my bread if you want. I’m still stuffed from this morning.”

“Thanks, Armin.” you smiled gratefully “You’re a life-saver.”

**~O~**

Levi watched you from afar, making sure he wasn’t seen as he sat with his team, who were lively conversing and he felt as if they had expected him to join in a few times, but he paid no mind to them. Not when you were so close to him.

It made his stomach churn when Eren had laid his hand over yours and he was sure that you were talking about him and how “cruel” he had been to you.

Levi smirked ironically.

You were the cruel one, you and your blindness and stupidity.

He made sure you were fed and rested well, he always kept a close eye on you during missions, he never gave you stables duty. True that he was extra hard on you during training, but it was because he wanted you to live. He wanted you to survive and outlive him and become greater than he was now.

Was it too much to ask for?

He did everything he could to make your life easier, yet you preferred that loudmouthed, cocky, overemotional brat over him.

It hurt, as much as he denied it and lied to himself it still hurt. He wished he could tell you everything. How he drowned himself in paperwork and on rare nights use alcohol just so he could be able to see you as just a Cadet again and not the woman he craved for so badly.

He craved you from the bottom of his heart and he loathed that your affection belonged to another. He wanted to kiss you, to touch you and to inhale your scent. He wanted to wake up next to you and make lo… He wanted to rip Yaeger apart!

“Captain?”

Levi snapped out of his thoughts and the second plate of food he had gotten became visible to him once more. He noted the dark expression he had nurtured ever since his mind had sprung wild and wiped it away with his cool hand before turning to Petra with a now blank stare.

“Hm?”

“Are you alright?” the petite woman asked, her shyness making her blush a vague tint of pink before she turned back to her food.

Levi wondered if he should spill everything to her then and there. Maybe ask her for help about you despite knowing that she held affection for him.

He sighed and nodded.

“I’m fine.”   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this too long? I don't think it's too long, but maybe people don't want so many details. I don't know.  
> I can't wait to get to the mushy titan/little tiny human parts of the story, some of which will be in the next chapter since well...Hange has another experiment planned for Eren and you get dragged along as well.  
> Again, reviews feed my thirst for writing. I am greedy, but God knows how much I love getting to know what you guys think about the story so far.  
> All in all, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and if you read this whole note God bless you, you're a sweetheart.  
> Toodles! <3


	3. The titan whisperer

It was quiet. By now mostly everyone had went to sleep and the halls were empty, which made it all the more eerie with the flickering candles all around. The silence made you see shadows that weren’t there and it freaked you out immensely.

You had stayed behind everyone, chatting away a few hours with Petra in the mess hall about whether you should go apologize to Levi about your actions or not. At the end of the conversation, before Petra had stood up, stretched and waved you goodnight, you had both decided that apologizing was the reasonable thing to do.

However, part of you didn’t want to get charged with stables duty, nor run laps until your lungs could bear no more so once you had reached your Captain’s office you had frozen.

Nervousness had gotten the better of you.

You didn’t know how much time you had spent in front of that door, with fist raised and ready to knock, but you were sure that it had been a while, judging by the symphony of snores that echoed through the halls. Instead of knocking, your fist was glued to your chest and refused to budge and your other hand was covering it as if to protect it from the unknown that lied beyond that door.

You scoffed at yourself.

Levi deserved an apology and if that meant getting piled up with chores then that’s what you would get. You had earned it for being such a rebellious and obnoxious brat.

You took in a deep breath, trying to ease your panicked mind, and knocked slowly and regrettably.

Maybe it wasn’t too late to turn back.

“Come in.” a voice sounded from beyond the door and the calmness of it soothed you a bit. It might not go as bad as you imagined it would.

You opened the door, knob firm in your sweaty hand, and showed only half of your face inside the office before speaking in a hushed tone.

“Captain?...”

You saw him look up at you with a dull gaze for a few moments before resuming to the papers in front of him.

The room was dimly lit, what little lit candles there were had been placed on his desk along with stacks of papers and an empty whiskey glass, although from what you could see the whiskey had been finished off recently as droplets of its remains were sliding down the glass’s sides.

It was spotless, everything was in order and even in the darkness somehow glowed with cleanliness. God, even the paperwork looked organized, probably alphabetically.

The man had some serious issues, you had to admit.

You decided it was about time you entered the office fully and slipped in before closing the door behind and turning to Levi. You had expected some sort of reaction, something more than just the empty look he had given you, but nothing came. No yelling, no cursing, no rage or glares, nothing at all.

You cleared your throat, uneasy to the point where you could feel your pulse in your throat. Had you really screwed up that bad?

“I – “ you began, avoiding his eyes in case he turned to you, and instead focused on one of the candles on his desk “I came to apologize, Sir. You…I wasn’t right to stand against you, not today or all those other times. You’re my Captain and…I should trust you and your judgment even if I don’t like it. I’m just a…brat.”

You saw his pen still at the last part and took it as an approving signal to continue.

“I don’t mind being charged with stables duty or anything else, Sir. I’ll take anything, just say your orders…Sir!” you said and saluted him, looking past his hunched over frame and out the window, into the dark nothingness of the night.

“Tch, idiot.” Levi leaned back in his chair and cushioned his cheek in his hand, elbow rested on one of the armrests.

He stared at you, the scarce lighting giving him a grim look and making him all the more intimidating.

“Lock the door behind you.” he said and after tiredly flexing his arms and rolling his head, only to earn a few deaf pops from his neck, he returned to his paperwork.

“E-eh?” you gasped “But I can’t lock the door from the outside!”

“I meant from the inside, Cadet, use your brain for once.” he grumbled, not looking up from his work.

“But I can’t leave then – “ you felt goosebumps cover your skin and the hairs on your neck rose abruptly. He couldn’t possibly be inquiring what you thought he was.

You blushed, shamelessly and very much so.

“Captain, you’re a very desired man, it’s a fact and..I’m, ugh, I’m not saying I don’t want to I just – “

A loud sigh escaped him as he looked to the ceiling in frustration. He wanted to stand up and slap you.

“Lock the damn door already. You’re sleeping here tonight.” he looked you straight in the eyes with a glint of determination “I’m not letting Hange drag you along with her tomorrow if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Uh – Oh…” you suddenly felt very embarrassed with yourself.

“My room is that way.” he pointed a finger at the door in the corner of his office briefly before continuing to write “Clean yourself first, I don’t want my sheets dirtied.”

You couldn’t reply, your mouth was dry and your throat – strained, so you nodded instead and headed for his bedroom to get out of the awkward situation you had put yourself into.

You hurriedly made your way to the door and walked in before closing it behind you and once alone you released the breath you had been holding in.

A hand went up to rest upon your chest and ease your pounding heart.

What were you thinking? Captain Levi, the most stoic man in the whole Survey Corps, the most logical and cold-blooded man you knew and at times feared. You thought he wanted to fuck you?

It did seem more like him this way than taking you out to dinner first, but still. What disturbed you more was that you had been ready to jump on the opportunity because you had been too shaken to deny him. But was that really an excuse?

You shed yourself of your clothing, remembering Hange’s journal in you jacket and made sure to put it carefully over the pile you had left on the floor and headed for the bathroom.

The moonlight helped you get a hold of a candle that sat next to the shower, you lit it up, deciding that its spot was close enough to give you good sight while you bathed.

You turned the shower on.

You loved Eren, truly, somehow his dorky attitude had captured you, but right now you doubted your own heart.

Levi was a man desired by many women and the fact that he didn’t show interest in any made him even more popular, especially among the Cadets. However, you had never seen him in such light, always preferring to accept him as kin, sometimes even a guardian. But tonight?

You let the steaming water run down your back as you eyed your surroundings for a soap bar. Your hands ran up and down your sides and for a moment you pondered what would it feel like if it were his hands instead? What if he just walked in now and lathered your body and rinsed it and held you close?

You grimaced at yourself, specifically at the fact that you liked these newly born “what ifs” in your head.

Was it so wrong? You thought about it and started to clean yourself, hopefully internally as well, with the soap bar you had absentmindedly found during your contemplation.

You were a woman, complete with needs and desires, and you were surrounded by handsome masculine men every day, all day.

You didn’t remember the last time you had been touched and ever since you developed feelings for Eren any signs of flirting from other men you had disregarded entirely.

Levi’s dark demeanor and cold approach were so alluring to you right now, even his sharp stare would be able to make your legs weak with need. You needed relief.

Your hands cupped your breasts, the hot water only making your ache more dire, and you squeezed gently, then started massaging yourself shamelessly. You gulped and pinched your perked nipples and your legs wobbled from the sensation. A delicious heat began to grow in your lower stomach.

You wanted him so badly.

“Ahhh…C-Captain…”

You jerked at the sound of your own voice and ripped your hands away from breasts, gravely shaken. Eyes wide, you realized what you were doing and in a fit of panic you turned the shower off and hurriedly exited the bathroom.

You struggled to pull your underwear and shirt back on, hoping that they somehow restored your dignity. The clothes clung to your still wet skin and it was uncomfortable, but you didn’t care, you just wanted to calm down and hopefully fall asleep. You wanted to forget these embarrassing thoughts and after tonight, pretend you had never been here.

This was his fault.

It confused you being this close to Levi, it gave you the strange impression that there was something more to you two and when you laid on his neatly made bed and covered yourself in his sheets and let your head sink in his pillow you became even more confused. You felt right here, in his bed, in his private quarters.

It just felt right and it puzzled you. You had always imagined him sharing his bed with Petra as they fitted each other, polar opposites attracted and you saw them exactly as that.

So why did you feel so at home here?

You frowned and dug your nose in the pillow and breathed in deeply, moaning softly at Levi’s musky scent that had been soaked in the soft fabric. The warmth between your thighs became harder and harder to ignore.

What would Petra think if she knew you were here? You could picture the devastation on her face, the hurt, and her eyes when she looked at you; they would be full of betrayal.

You whimpered and curled up under the sheets.

You couldn’t let Petra know, you wouldn’t bare to stand it, to see her reaction.

Your mind went on as more and more thoughts piled up, but your eyes were half-lidded and your body had started to give into exhaustion. His smell was intoxicating you, overwhelming all your senses in the most pleasurable way.

Damn him! Damn his scent, his lean body and his heavy gaze and his orders and his complete control over you.

You felt so vulnerable.

You shifted slightly, getting more comfortable and locked your hands together under the pillow, afraid that if you let them go you would give into your needs and make a fool of yourself. You wouldn’t be able to face him after knowing you had touched yourself in his bed while there was just a wall separating you two.

With a heavy sigh you closed your eyes and tried to sleep and hopefully forget this night and all events that happened.

**~O~**

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Your face scrunched at the sound. It was annoying the living hell out of you. You grumbled and shuffled around in the warm covers, turning your back to whatever was making that damned tapping.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

You pulled the sheets over your head and stuffed your face further into the softness of your pillow. It smelled unfamiliar, but your brain was just too foggy to comprehend yet.

Tap. Tap. Tap. TAP. TAP. TAP.

_“Oh for the fucking love of – “_

You twisted in bed sharply, ruining your comfort and sat up, looking straight in the direction of the sound with almost animalistic rage. You were a very heavy bedhead and it was hard not to piss you off in the morning, especially when there was an ungodly annoying tap. It sounded like someone was hammering nails in your skull.

It seemed that had been the only energy you had because you fell back into bed just a few moments after sitting up; you weren’t ready to wake up just yet.

Tap. Tap.

You sighed and rubbed the sleep from your eyes in defeat, you could almost see clearly now. The room was cool and you felt the hairs on your arms perk up as you pulled them out from beneath the sheets.

You blinked and looked around in dismay – this wasn’t your room. Your breath hitched.

Levi. This was your Captain’s room, right, he had ordered you to sleep here last night so you could avoid Hange.

You were alone, but if you were in his room where had he slept? You felt a pang of guilt from taking his bed now, the poor man had probably slept on his desk to avoid making you feel uncomfortable.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

You turned to the window nonchalantly and jumped out of your skin when your eyes met a crazed yet friendly stare you knew all too well.

“H-Hange?” you questioned and saw her pointing at the window lock once she was sure she had your attention.

You pulled the covers off of you and stood up slowly, sleepiness still heavy on your shoulders, which made you a lot slower and uncoordinated.

You unlocked the window and opened it with a scowl.

“What the hell are you doing here?! If Captain saw you – “

A hand was firmly pressed over your mouth as Hange literally tackled you on the bed and placed a finger over her lips. The insane expression on her face was starting to scare you. It was too early in the morning for you to deal with her.

“Shhhh.” she hissed and looked around in a paranoid manner “We don’t want to wake Shorty up, now do we?”

You debated whether you should lick her hand, but knowing her and the things she’s probably touched, you retraced that decision and decided against it. Instead you tried smashing your forehead against hers, but she pulled away before you could and thankfully took her hand off your mouth as well.

You sat up and pulled your knees to your chest.

“What are you doing here? Where is Captain Levi?” you asked and saw her abruptly turn to you after scanning the room for Levi.

“Ah? You forgot already?” she gasped before grinning “We have an experiment to conduct, (Y/N)!”

“The Captain, Hange. Where is he?” you glared at her and crossed your arms.

Hange nodded at you and stood to partly close the window; she had noticed you start to tremble and inwardly you thanked her, but that didn’t excuse her for barging in on you while you slept. It also didn’t justify her refusing to accept Levi’s decline for you to go with her.

“Oh he’s fine. He’s sleeping on his desk from what I saw.”

You blinked in surprise.

“You…spied on him too?”

“Of course!” she grinned and whispered knowingly “I can’t take you anywhere before making sure he’s knocked out cold. He sleeps like a baby, it’s so cute!”

You saw the twinkle in her eyes as she said that.

“Hange, I can’t.” you shook your head and looked away from her “I don’t want Captain to be mad at me again…and things just started looking up between us. I – “

“ – Shush now, my dear apprentice.” the scientist patted your shoulder encouragingly “I’ll take care of Levi, I promise. You won’t hear a peep from him.”

“Mh…” your mouth was tugged into a small doubtful frown. Could she honestly cover for you? Levi had been clear with his decision. You slept in his bed, ordered by him, just so you could skip Hange’s expedition. He didn’t want you to go.

But if you did you could learn something more about Eren’s titan and Aberrants in general, you could even find out what exactly happened that evening during the last experiment. This information, it could be a step forward for humanity, for your friends, your comrades and for Levi.

This is why you were a soldier, after all. You wanted freedom, for you and for all those you cared for and Levi should know that. He should have known ever since you joined his team. He would be angry with you, you didn’t doubt that, but it meant getting closer to your mutual goal. You’d do it for him and for you and everyone else.

You couldn’t miss such an opportunity, you had to go.

“Alright.” you nodded at Hange.

“Great!” she whispered excitedly and ushered you to get dressed “Ah! (Y/N), I’ll need my journal for today. I’ll give it back as soon as I’m done writing down the process of the experiment.” she said after her eyes noticed her journal on top of your piled clothes.

“Of course, Hange.”

With still bare feet you tip-toed to the door and carefully turned the knob before cracking it open and scanning Levi’s office with one eye. You saw him lightly snoring, head rested on his desk and a few papers had been knocked off, most likely when he had fallen asleep. He looked peaceful, a state in which you had never seen him before and in some alien way it warmed your heart. He deserved it, you thought, he was working his ass off every day.

The poor man probably barely got any sleep with the constant paperwork and missions he had to attend to. You almost felt bad for him, but now wasn’t the time pity him, you had more pressing matters on your hands.

“Eh? (Y/N), what are you doing?” you heard Hange hiss behind you.

“Hush, I’m just checking if he’s still sleeping.” you waved your hand at her to be quiet “Bye, Captain.” you whispered softly with a small smile and closed the door.

You pulled your boots on and tightened the belts around them before turning to Hange – a question on your mind.

“Hange, you have gear, but how am I supposed to leave through the window without breaking a leg?”

“Oh.” she smiled slickly while securing her journal to her belt “You’ll just have to trust me.”

“What?”

You stiffened when you felt her hands wrap around you before you were flung over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“Hange!”

“Shhh.” she chuckled and turned to the window “You don’t want Shorty to wake up and see you sneaking out on him after sleeping in his bed, right?”

You blushed at the statement and cussed under your breath in embarrassment.

“R-right.”

“Mhm! Now hold on tight!” Hange grinned and jumped out the window with you holding onto her jacket for dear life.

**~O~**

“Alright, Eren!” Hange yelled from a distance and raised her hand “Transform!”

The boy simply nodded, still not in his full power as he had been dragged out of his bed a lot earlier than you had and had practically slept in your lap during the ride to your current location – a secluded forest far away from any known village in case he lost control and you had to take him down.

You didn’t need casualties, especially during a theoretically simple experiment.

You tapped your feet nervously against the wooden floor of the covered carriage you had travelled in while munching down forcefully on a piece of bread. You weren’t hungry, the stress from sneaking out and worrying about Eren was enough to fill your stomach for the whole day, but you needed your strength. You had to be prepared in case of an emergency so you ate away while eyeing the soldiers scattered around the trees with distrust.

You didn’t recognize any of their faces except for Hange’s assistant, Moblit, but Hange had singlehandedly picked them, it meant they knew what they were getting into and were prepared. At least you hoped so.

You looked at Eren, who seemed reluctant to bite his hand, and when you saw him turn to what little he could see of you inside the carriage you smiled at him and raised your thumb.

You believed in him and your subtle support was all he needed to continue, he was encouraged enough.

He bit down on his hand and a familiar bright yellow lightning surrounded him, followed by smoke, then a deep throaty roar that shook the ground and made the birds that were in the trees around you fly away in fear.

You saw the face of some of the soldiers contort and you couldn’t help but smirk in your bread before taking another bite. Noobies.

Hange, on the other hand, looked like she was about to faint. Her face was glowing red and a streak of saliva was running down her chin as she devoured Eren’s titan form with her eyes. She was so weird. Sometimes you wondered how you had become so close with her.

You stretched your legs across the carriage and crossed them while watching Hange run to Eren like she had just found the love of her life. Maybe she had, but you weren’t sure if Eren could stay a titan forever so she could fulfill her sick fantasies.

You inwardly laughed at that.

“Aaaah! Great job, Eren!” Hange cheered and stopped just a foot away from the titan who was looking down at her thoughtfully “Alright, first, mmmm…Can you try to speak?”

The titan let out a meek moan before shaking his head. You scoffed at her question.

“Of course he can’t speak!” you yelled, grabbing her attention “Do you see any lips on that face?”

Hange scratched her cheek with her index finger and giggled.

“Eh, right. I’m just too excited to think straight.”

“Captain!” one of the soldiers hollered “Aren’t you too close to him? He could be dangerous!”

“It’s alright.” Hange dismissed him with a cocky expression plastered on her face “He’s in complete control of himself. Nothing to be scared of.”

The soldier was taken aback, but nodded and went silent.

“Hey, (Y/N) when will you join us?”

You chocked at Hange’s question and patted yourself on the chest; the boiled potato bits in your throat made your eyes water.

“When I’m finished eating.” you simply answered and continued stuffing your mouth. You were finished with your bun and now a single boiled potato remained in your hand and you made sure to eat it as slowly as possible.

“So you can’t speak.” Hange pondered, looking up at the titan “And you probably don’t have the right vocal cords aside from not having lips. But you can understand me. So…can you try to write?”

You saw Eren’s head lift up a bit at the question before he nodded.

“Wonderful!” the scientist exclaimed “Moblit bring the log!”

“Yes, Captain!”

You saw Moblit and a few other soldiers approach the caravan and you felt them pull something from beneath your feet and once it was in the sunlight you couldn’t help but laugh.

It was a thick log sharpened on the edge to resemble a giant pencil.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. When did you make this?” you asked Hange and saw her turn to you partly with a smirk.

“Yesterday morning.”

“Unbelievable…” you shook your head, watching Eren pick up the log before scribbling something in the ground and by the visible twitch from Hange you could guess what he had written.

“He…He wrote my name…He wrote my name!”

You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose. Out of all the things he could have written…

“(Y/N)! Come see!” Hange yelled, practically running to the carriage and dragging you out.

“Fine. Fine!” you protected against her grip, but she just wouldn’t let you go until you were standing right in front of the engraving of her name “It’s well written. Good job, Eren.”

You smiled and looked up at him, but your smile faltered instantly.

“H-Hange…?”

This wasn’t right.

He was glaring at you, intensely. His actions had halted completely and now he just glared directly at you.

Had he lost control again? Why? No one had even tried to teach for his neck, he hadn’t been in any danger so why had he lost control? Last time he had the Survey Corps trying to practically rip him apart, but now nothing of the sort had happened.

“Hange!?” you gripped her by the collar, trying to get her attention, but her eyes wouldn’t leave him.

You heard her hands grip onto her blades tightly and heard the soldiers all around you shift. They were ready to strike any second now. Your stomach suddenly felt too heavy and if you weren’t terrified that one movement might send Eren into a rampage you would have raised a hand to your mouth to fight off the urge to gag. You were too scared to gag. You were too scared to breathe.

Everything was deadly still and silent except for Eren’s breaths and each breath you counted. One, two, three…

“(Y/N).”

Your eyes darted to Hange, you still hadn’t let go of her collar.

“I want you to fall back in the forest. I’ll take care of Eren for you.”

Now you were certain – this was not Eren, not anymore.

You took in a sharp breath and your eyes widened, you started to shake.

Hange’s voice was a soothing whisper, it was calm and monotone and if you weren’t so close to her you would have thought someone else was talking to you. She didn’t blink and her face didn’t flinch a muscle. This side of her you had never seen before.

She held the titan’s gaze firmly, it looked as if they were having a staring contest, but you weren’t sure who would win, Hange’s eyes were just as frightening as Eren’s – because they were hollow.

“Roger, Captain.”

There was a tree a few feet away from you, if you ran fast enough and used your gear in time you’d be able to pull yourself a good distance away.

The moment your hand was laid on your hooks hell broke loose.

Eren roared, the most menacing and booming roar you had ever heard come from any titan. You stumbled, hands instinctively on your ears before you took off running.

“Attack!” Hange yelled and sprinted towards Eren, soldiers following her close by, all blades drawn.

You released your hooks, ignoring the screaming in your ears and the shaking earth beneath you.

 _“Almost there!”_ you thought as a wave of adrenaline and hope made you go faster.

“(Y/N)!”

A massive hand was slammed in front of you, pulling your hooks out of the tree they had attached themselves to and making you fly back before you ended up rolling in the grass.

“Hange!!!” you screamed hysterically as you watched Eren catch her in mid-air, your eyes were bulging out of their sockets as he brought her closer to his mouth, she was shouting something but you couldn’t hear “Nooooo!”

He stopped.

You saw the soldiers that had been racing to save Hange stop in their tracks, completely frozen.

Was this really happening?

“P-put her d-down!” you tried again, stuttering frantically, and tried standing up “Please…”

Your back hurt and you had to clench your teeth from the pain when you tried to straighten up.

You watched as the titan set Hange on the ground and you could see by her expression that she was just as dumbfounded as you.

The soldiers started to move, although their movements were uncertain. They didn’t know what to do, they didn’t understand what was happening and neither did you.

“Halt!” Hange raised her hand and ordered through haggard breaths as she struggled to regain herself “Don’t move.”

Your knees buckled mere second after you had stood up as the titan bent down and closed in on you slowly, his face was just a few feet away from yours. Your breath hitched, you wanted to run, every self-sustaining cell in your body was yelling at you to run, but you just couldn’t and you hated yourself for it.

The low moan that came from the titan sent steam gushing your way and made you whimper. You still couldn’t move.

“Eren?” you chocked, but the titan didn’t react to it at all “Eren, please…”

He inched closer and pointed his nose at you before taking in a deep inhale, then exhaled, the force of the air made your hair fly back. Your eyes left him for a moment and you saw Moblit helping Hange stand up, she didn’t seem in pain, just confused, you were glad.

You flinched when you felt something hot nudge your side and turned back to the titan.

“(Y-y/N)…”

“Please!” you begged, your eyes filling with tears from horror and as you spoke your voice subsided into a forced whisper “Stop talking.”

You didn’t want him to get enraged again, you had no chance while you were this close to him. He could split you in half with a single clamp of his massive maw.

With a shaky breath you laid your palm against the titan’s nose and rubbed uncertainly, watching him to see his reaction, if there was any at all. He just needed to close his jaws and you were done for.

Your thoughts sped erratically inside your head, bad thoughts, thoughts about all the possible ways the massive beast could end you. You wanted to retract your hand, but as long as it was connected with him you felt that you were at least vaguely safe. If your touch soothed him you’d be a fool to pull away.

You felt stares burning in your back, but you couldn’t turn around, not when Eren was this close, you weren’t risking it. You could imagine what the soldiers were thinking, but before the creeping feeling of discomfort and distress got to you your mind cleared and you tried your best to stay focused on Eren.

A long exhale left his parted maw and you felt your clothes dampen from the steam.

“You can understand me…Right?” you asked tremulously and placed your other hand on his cheek to support you while you raised to your full height “Right?”

A low rumble came from the titan’s throat and you felt yourself sigh.

“Right.”

You watched his mouth open farther apart and before you knew it you were pressed face first into his tongue as he gave you a long drawn lick.

You screamed. You didn’t know where it came from, but you screamed with all the disgust in the world and abruptly stepped away before trying to get the slippery saliva off yourself.

“It’s not fucking funny! Moblit! Stop laughing!” you screamed and cussed at him and the soldiers that laughed in your face.

“That’s the first time I’ve seen a titan kiss.” Moblit chocked through his hysteria before Hange harshly slapped him on the back of the head.

“You’d be pissing your pants if you were in her spot!” Hange raged and smacked Moblit again “She saved your worthless lives show her some respect!”

A part of you didn’t mind them laughing, they needed to shake off what had happened and set themselves in the present. If getting yourself licked by a titan was what they needed then you accepted it, with a bit of trouble, but you did.

“Ewww…” you whined and sat back down; this thing wasn’t coming off of you anytime soon.

The laughter had died down.

“Sheathe your blades and fall back into the trees.” Hange ordered before sheathing her own and watching the soldiers retreat within their hiding spots “He’s stable…somehow.”

She sat on the grass clumsily and took out her journal, opened it and started to write down what had happened while keeping a close eye on you and the Aberrant.

“(Y/N)?”

You turned your head to look at the scientist and for some odd reason so did the titan.

“Is this why you asked me about the Aberrants being passive yesterday?”

You felt a lump form in your throat by the way she was staring at you…with hunger.

“I, yes, Captain.” you answered and continued petting Eren’s nose while he grumbled warningly at Hange, his eyes locked on her as she continued writing.

“This has happened before?” Moblit asked and you nodded.

“On our last experiment. Something like this happened.” you gave way to your memories and continued “Eren came to me this morning asking me what had happened. He didn’t remember anything. But he didn’t attack me back then and from what I know he hadn’t been in control then either.”

The titan retreated from your hand and changed his position from crouching to sitting down before scooping you up with one hand and laying it on his lap. You became slightly rigged, but didn’t make a move to escape. You preferred him calm and with you in his hand rather than running for your life while he chased after you.

“He did not attack you.” Hange stated and stood up, heading towards you with journal in hand “If he had attacked you he would have crushed you under his hand, instead he went for your gear. He tried to stop you from escaping, not kill you.” 

“But what about you?” you asked in confusion.

It didn’t make any sense to you. He had visibly tried to harm the other soldiers and even eat Hange without any remorse, yet he had only stopped you when you had tried to escape.

By the look in her eyes you realized that she had already figured it out, she knew, so instead of continuing to ponder you focused on her.

“Simple.” Hange smiled and closed her eyes “I’m not you.”

“I don’t understand.” you said and nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt the titan’s thumb press against you back.

Did he know you were hurt?

Your eyes rose, capturing a very concentrated expression on the Aberrant’s face. It must be taking all his restrain to not harm you while he touched you, you could tell by the meek movements of his mouth. You still wondered why he was even trying to be gentle in the first place.

This made you feel uncomfortable. The whole situation was extremely uncomfortable and…odd, to say the least.

“He seems to have some sort of sympathy for you. Maybe you’re interesting to him.” Hange reached out towards Eren and you felt the thumb against your back press a little rougher as he growled at her, warning her “See? I can’t even touch him, but there you are, sitting in his hand like it’s nothing. I saw him sniff you. Maybe it’s your scent that draws him in, but according to my studies titans don’t have a well-developed sense of smell and you were far from him when he first saw you.” Hange scratched the side of her head with her pencil and sighed “Maybe it’s just…you.”

“Are you telling me Eren likes me, Captain?” you frowned when the scientist shook her head.

“I’m telling you the titan likes you.”

“Eh? How?” you winced slightly as the titan pressed his thumb against your lower back and you heard him moan lightly, it almost sounded like an apology.

“I’m not sure myself yet.” Hange readjusted her glasses and sat back down “But this means that you will have to be present on every experiment done on Eren and – “ she looked up at you as you peeked down from the titan’s hand “– you have to stay as far as possible from him during missions. We can’t risk him losing control and getting everybody killed.”

“I understand, Captain.”

“Now!” Hange flipped a page in her journal and spared you and the titan an intrigued glance “This didn’t go exactly as I had planned it, but the sun is still high and we have enough time to run the rest of the tests I had in mind.”

You raised a brow at her.

“I don’t think he’ll listen to you, Hange.”

It was true, she couldn’t possibly expect an Aberrant to do what she said, all of you were even lucky to be standing this close to him and still be alive.

“Of course not!” Hange raised a hand in the air “But he will listen to you.”

**~O~**

It was late evening when Hange had finally had enough of her testing and by now both you and the Aberrant were exhausted and as he laid back against a tree, you laid against his neck with your fingers intertwined and resting on your stomach.

You let yourself soak in your current position, a part of you still couldn’t accept all this. You were just a small human, weak and easily damageable, and you were taking a break, perched up on the shoulder of the ultimate man-hunter, humanity’s biggest enemy. However, you couldn’t deny that you felt a bit more content with your situation after being in close contact with the titan all day and not receiving any harm. A side of you even felt confident.

You had made him walk, run, stand and sit, you had asked him to pick you up and then place you down on the ground as gently as possible, you made him write and he had, although nothing he wrote was eligible. You had made him stretch and even build shelter, but the last two tests hadn’t gone as well as the previous. And no wonder, the titan was tired and if it weren’t for the rising and lowering of his chest and the pulse you felt against your back, you could have easily mistaken him for dead.

After all this there was one thing left to do. You had to extract Eren.

“(Y/N)!”

You tucked away the mass of dark hair that was blocking your view and saw Hange gesturing you to go to her. You sighed and stood up, using the titan’s ear to keep from stumbling, and flung the hooks of your maneuver gear to pull yourself to a nearby tree. You retracted the hooks and took a few shaky steps forward before balancing yourself and walking to Hange.

The titan looked to his shoulder just after you had taken off and then lazily retraced you to the ground, then closed his eyes again and resumed his rest after giving out an acknowledging grumble. He noted you had taken off, he just didn’t feel like using up any more of his energy.

“I need you to do one last thing for me before we go home.” Hange whispered to you while keeping watch over the Aberrant “You need to keep him calm and focused on you while we cut Eren out.”

You flinched.

“Captain…You realize what you’re asking of me, right? I can’t just keep him calm while you’re cutting his neck open.”

“Yes, you can.” Hange cut you off curtly “We can’t take out Eren any other way without risking casualties.” she pointed to the titan’s head “His neck is pressed against the tree, there’s no opening to extract Eren. You need to try and if something goes wrong Moblit will stay here and keep watch.” she turned to Moblit and so did you; you saw him nod at you firmly “He’ll cut the titan’s fingers off if he tries to crush you so you can escape.”

Escape. That’s all you’ve wanted to do today – just escape.

“There is no other way?”

You had to try your luck, but from the look on Hange’s face you could already guess her answer without her saying anything.

“No.”

The feeling of defeat stung you harshly and you could already feel your pulse rising from anticipating the outcome.

“If I die,” you pointed a shaky finger at her “I will haunt you until your last breath.”

“Oh please!” she disregarded you with a smile “Aaron likes you too much to harm you.”

“Aaron?” you questioned.

“Yes!” she squealed “I decided to name him Aaron whenever Eren isn’t controlling him. I made sure to think of a similar name too! See? Eren, Aaron, they’re almost the same.”

“I swear, there is something seriously wrong with you.” you shook your head in dismay and latched your gear to Eren…Aaron’s hip to pull yourself to him faster, acting impulsively in case your bravery decided to betray you.

Aaron cracked his eyes open and when he saw his disturbance had been your doing he neared an open palm towards you to climb in and you did.

“Come closer.” you motioned for him and after a haggard exhale he lowered his head towards you. You nodded at Hange, who took off flying around the titan along with the shoulders she had deafly signaled.

Keep the titan calm? How in the world were you supposed to do that? Pet him? This wasn’t an injured pup in front of you, this was a monster.

You definitely needed a break after today. Specifically, a break from Hange and the chaos that always nipped at her heels, although you doubted she would give you the chance.

You saw Aaron’s eyes suddenly widen before he hollered in pain, pulling away from you.

“No!” you gripped onto the bridge of his nose and tried pulling him back “Please. Please come back.”

His fingers twitched around you, but he didn’t move any farther.

“Please, trust me.” you petted his nose, you were a trembling mess. This just didn’t feel right, but you continued, ignoring the nagging of the morals you were breaking. You couldn’t let him turn on your comrades even if he had been nothing but compliant all day. You couldn’t let them get killed, this was your duty as a soldier and a human, but something about watching the blood that gushed down the titan’s throat before turning into vapor while he stood passively and just accepted everything made you feel low. This was physically killing him and mentally killing you.

You swallowed strenuously after a trembling breath had left your lips. Your wide eyes stared into his while you watched his expression become more and more menacing. You knew it wasn’t directed at you, he could have crushed if he wanted to, but that didn’t stop the panic from seeping in your wildly drumming heart.

“Watch me. Trust me.” you wrapped your insignificant arms around his face and held on in desperation.

What else could you do?

You felt responsible his dormancy as he was getting slaughtered. You felt guilty that you were holding someone down while life was stolen away from them with every bit of flesh that was cut away from their body.

He was a titan, but was he a someone? Was that possible?

A few days ago you could have dismissed the thought without a doubt, but after today you weren’t so sure anymore.

“Trust me.” you repeated.

His breaths came out in growls, his free hand was gripping onto his hip.

Why? Why did he have to trust you so blindly? Why did he have to make it harder? Why couldn’t he just fight back?

“I’m sorry.” you mumbled and gripped onto his cheeks “Please, hurry up.”

You had said it more to yourself than him.

His breathing stopped.

“(Y/N), move!”

You felt Aaron start to lean to the side and used you gear to pull yourself out of the way as the body fell to the ground and began to disintegrate. While gripping your upper arms in some sort of self-comfort you watched the flesh disappear, leaving behind just a skeleton.

“Are you alright?”

You inwardly shrunk in your spot at the hand that was laid on your shoulder before turning to look at Hange and after a brief pause nodded.

She was crying.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we got Eren back.”

“Ah, you’re crying too!” she pointed out with a laugh, making you touch your cheeks and feel wetness “I know how you feel. I was crying while taking Eren out. Poor Aaron! He had so much potential! I wish I could have taken him home with us…”

You scoffed at her.

“You’re insane.” you crossed your arms and turned your face to the side “And I wasn’t crying! The steam from Aaron got in my eyes.”

“You’re starting to call him Aaron too!”

You let out a loud sigh and glared at her.

“I..ugh! Can we just…go home?”

“Sure thing.” Hange locked her arm with yours and trotted forward, pulling you along “So do you want to sit next to Aaron? I mean Eren?”

“Fuck you, Captain.”

**~O~**

“Now, listen up! You are not to speak about the events that happened today under any circumstances. You never saw me, you never saw (Y/N) and you most definitely did not participate in my titan research. Understood?”

You saw the soldiers salute Hange in understanding, some spared you a frightened glance, only to look away when they realized you were watching them.

You couldn’t blame them. Not even Hange understood the entirety of today and what humanity couldn’t understand it feared.

Normally, you would feel offended, but right now you were too tired to care. You just found it stupid that they were scared without knowing why. Maybe if you were in your right mind, you would be scared too.

“Good.” Hange nodded “Because if you do I will personally see to it that you spend some quality time with Sawney and Bean.”

The soldiers visibly shuddered and you had to suppress a giggle. Hange certainly knew how to threaten.

 “Yes, Captain!” the soldiers said in unison and saluted again.

“Dismissed.”

You had gathered inside Hange’s lab as soon as you had returned home, making sure no one had noticed you lot.

You didn’t need rumors spreading and neither did Hange, so she had gathered the expedition group up to warn the participants not to speak about what had happened.

If word went out that you had somehow communicated with an Aberrant you wouldn’t be able to show your face outside the lab without people snickering.

You were jerked out of your thoughts when you heard Eren shift in Hange’s chair and yawn. You stood up and hurried to his side.

“Eren!” you gasped and hugged him tightly.

He opened his heavy eyes and looked at you tiredly.

“(Y/N)?...” he reached up to rub his face, taking extra time to run his fingers over the burns under his eyes. He noticed the difference in his surroundings after you had let go of him and blinked, as if checking in case he was dreaming.

“Hange?”

He was beginning to panic.

“Eren,” Hange came closer and gripped his shoulders; finally she had the chance to ask the question she had been stressing over all night “do you remember anything that happened today?”

“I…” he looked to the floor and his eyes became distant, desperately trying to recall something…anything “No…”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired, but I just can't stop writing, the ideas keep coming to me! I'm sorry for any errors you find, I edited it as best I could, but I could have always missed something.  
> Anyway, I hope you had a nice time reading.  
> Toodles!


	4. Late night tea talk

_“I want you so much…”_

_You mewled softly at the lusty remark and leaned your head back in the silky pillow as Eren continued to leave hungry kisses down your body. His teeth grazed over your exposed, heated skin and you couldn’t help the shiver that shot up your spine and made you convulse under his dominant stature. You felt his breath as he left your bruised and love bites covered neck, then down, passing between your sore from kneading breasts._

_He smirked as he spared a glance at your swollen and sensitive nipples; he had left alone after convincing himself that he had sucked and nibbled on them enough._

_He trailed down your stomach with feathery kisses, panting heavily, causing you to twitch and whine in impatience. You hated how slow he was being and he knew it, you could see it in his actions – he was enjoying torturing you._

_Eren looked up, locking eyes with you once he reached the hem of your panties, and smirked._

_“You’re so soaked for me, (Y/N).” he sighed in delight and pulled your thin, wet lingerie off._

_“E-Eren…Oh!” your eyes rolled back and closed as you moaned and your hands tangled in his messy, sweaty hair. He growled tauntingly at you and shamelessly stuffed his face in your cunt, thirstily lapping at the juices oozing out of your entrance and pressing his tongue against your clit._

_His hands gripped tightly onto your thighs, keeping them nice and spread for him. His nails dug in your flesh once he started to grind his groin against the bed as he continued to lick you. You could almost smell the musky hormonal scent of the precum that was dripping out of his cock and it was driving you insane._

_“Moan my name, (Y/N). Show me how much you want me.”_

_You choked at his words before arching your back in sinful bliss – a numb throb was coming from your lower stomach. Your ears were beginning to deafen from the tension building inside you._

_God, you were so fucking close._

_“A-ahhh! Eren! Eren, please don’t stop!” you screamed in between shallow intakes, pitifully begging for your yearned release “Please! I’m so close! Make me cumm, Eren! Please, make me cumm!”_

_“(Y/N)!”_

_“Eren!”_

_“(Y/N)!!!”_

_“EREN!”_

_“(Y/N)! Wake up!”_

“What!?” you yelled and shot up from the chair you had been sleeping on before winding up on the stone floor “Eh?...”

“I said to wake up, (Y/N), we have to attend a meeting in a bit.”

Your eyes inspected your environment, noting the dim lights, flasks, books, jars and crates. It was Hange’s lab, right, you remembered now. You had stayed here yesterday to discuss the expedition with Eren, you must have fallen asleep while dictating to Hange what to write in her journal about the closer interactions with the titan. But was it already morning? Had Hange stayed up all night writing?

Dusting your three-day-old uniform from the grime it had picked up from the ground, you stood up and gripped onto the chair you had fallen from with a hand shooting up to rub your forehead. You had a migraine; great.

Sleep was still clinging to your body, you did your best to shake it off, but your head still felt light and your legs – weak and untrustworthy to support your entire body so you sat back down.

“Wait.” your jumbled thoughts were put on pause for a second and you looked to Hange questioningly “What meeting?”

“Ugh, you forgot already? You’re so forgetful, (Y/N).” the scientist made a face at you jokingly “I told you last night, we need to report to Erwin about the tests. He’d be all over me if I didn’t inform him of the outcome of all my experiments, but I suppose it’s fair, he does grant me permission for supplies and soldiers, after all.”

“But why we?” you asked “You’re the mad scientist, it’s your job to report. What do I have to do with this?”

“Oh my sweet, sweet apprentice.” she shook her head at your innocent foolishness and exhaled loudly “You’re the one that turned a 15 meter Aberrant into an obedient lap dog. If I don’t take you with me now, Erwin’s bound to ask for your presence as soon as he learns about your…abilities.”

She twisted in her spot suddenly and leaned into you, your noses almost touching as she stared at you in awe and exclaimed, her hands on your face as she admired you.

To say you were creeped out would be an understatement.

“E-eh, H-Hange…”

“Just look at what I’ve created! I’m such a good tutor!”

You snorted at her self-compliment and victorious stance.

“I became your student yesterday, teacher.” you stated with a raised eyebrow, but she dismissed your words effortlessly.

“Details! Oh!” her euphoric outburst subsided suddenly as she locked her eyes on you intently and her eyebrows lowered, as if trying to remember something. Then you saw it…that smirk….

“So…about that dream you were having…”

“What did I say?” you curtly cut her off, blushing feverishly at her wide, sly and, unfortunately for you, knowing smirk and sparking eyes.

The dream was still fresh in your mind and you were certain you had unintentionally said something while you had been asleep and, of course, the person that had been around you while you were having your wet dreams come true was Hange.

“I didn’t know you were that interested in Eren, (Y/N).” the scientist teased and poked a finger in your shoulder “You should have seen yourself! Your face was so red!” she laughed full heartedly and reached out, pinching your cheeks before squishing your face like you were a child “It was so cute!”

“Tch…” you slapped her hands away, red and huffy with embarrassment, and looked away “Hange…Please try not to open your mouth about this to anyone, especially Eren.”

“Huh?” she gawked at you and her eyes went wide in realization “Eren doesn’t know?”

You shook your head meekly. Of course, Eren didn’t know, you were too much of a coward to admit to him and risk your close bond being shattered because of some sick puppy love. But sometimes you wondered if you two were just tightly knit friends. He always held your hand, especially when you were walking around the markets, his explanation being that he might lose you if he didn’t keep you literally glued to him. You were sadly as tall as your Captain so you understood his reasoning, but at times you lied to yourself, saying there was something more to it, there had to be.

You weren’t the prettiest Cadet, nor was your heart made out of gold, but you were you and you gave your all to always be your best, hoping that eventually Eren would notice.

“I won’t tell a soul, (Y/N), don’t worry.” Hange chuckled and offered you a reassuring smile “Your secret’s safe with me.” she checked the small clock hanging on the wall in front of her desk and sighed “Ah, we should get going. Don’t wanna keep the Commander waiting!”

With that, she flipped her journal closed and tucked it under her arm, yawning widely before motioning for you to stand up.

“Come on. Oh, wait!” she hastily reached for a mug that was sitting on the side of her desk “I got you some coffee, but by the time you woke up it kinda got cold. Sorry.”

She placed the mug in your hands and you nodded at her in gratitude.

“Thanks.”

You definitely needed it to get your head straight, you were going to be in the presence of Commander Erwin, after all. The man was your role model and now that you were going to actually have to talk with him, you wanted to be in your best shape and hopefully impress him with the information you and Hange had to offer.

You walked closely behind the scientist, using her as a shield in case you ran into your Captain on the way to Erwin’s office. She had promised you to deal with Levi and keep you out of trouble, but from the lack of people around you guessed it was quite early so she probably hadn’t had the opportunity to talk with him yet and you knew he wasn’t much of a sleeper so the chances for him to be awake and about were big. So there you were, hiding behind Hange like a mouse and nervously sipping on the black liquid in your cup.

A feeling in your gut told you today would be an edgy day and starting it off with a meeting with your Commander was proof enough.

Your body was uncomfortably rigid, but you suppressed the urge to stretch, you’d exercise as soon as you were out of the meeting and with a bit of luck you would find a training partner too. There was always someone out in the training area and by some slim chance it might be a familiar face, you would finally get something done that didn’t include risking your life or getting licked by over-affectionate titans.

“Ah!” you gasped and stepped back, clutching your coffee to your chest. Hange had stopped and you, being so consumed in your thoughts, had almost walked into her.

You heard her chuckle before she patted you on the shoulder.

“Don’t be nervous.” she grinned excitedly at you “Erwin might look scary, but with what we’ve got for him he’ll be drooling with satisfaction in minutes.”

“I think you’re the only one that drools over titan information, Hange.” you giggled as she waved her hand at you.

“Hush now!” she eyed you from top to bottom before clumsily combing her fingers through your hair to give it a more presentable look “There! Ready?” she asked while already knocking on the door.

“I suppose.” you mumbled, waves of nervousness shooting through your body like lightning. You took another sip of your coffee to try and calm yourself and almost choked when you heard Erwin’s voice come from inside the office.

“Name and business.”

“Squad Leader Hange Zoe and Cadet (F/N) (L/N)! We’ve come to report about yesterday’s experiment, Sir!” Hange informed loudly.

“Come in.”

You took a shaky step after she opened the door and almost dropped your cup in surprise.

“C-captain!” you gasped and froze in your tacks.

There he was, sitting wordlessly on one of the chairs in front of Erwin’s desk, he didn’t even turn to look at you or Hange. However, unlike him, the Commander’s solemn gaze was locked onto you and it made your heart pound wildly, you could feel a heat wash over you. Your mouth went dry despite the coffee in your grasp – you had completely forgotten about it. If it weren’t for the light tug on you jacket you would have probably ran out of the room in a blink.

Hange was trying to snap you out of it and she was successful because after a moment you were able to stiffly curl a fist before your chest and bow your head.

“Good morning Captain Levi, Commander Erwin.” you saluted “It’s an honor.”

“Morniiiing!” Hange chirped with a cheery smile “I wasn’t expecting you to be here, Shorty. What a nice surprise!”

Shu pulled you forward after Erwin nodded and motioned for you to sit and you made sure to take the chair farthest from Levi.

“Tch, after disregarding me and forcing Cadet (Y/N) to accompany you I doubt you didn’t expect me here.” Levi hissed and sent Hange a venomous glare.

“She is my assistant as much as she is your Cadet.” Hange barked back and turned to you “Isn’t that right, (Y/N)?”

You swallowed heavily and tapped a shaky fingers against your coffee cup.

“I…” you sucked in a shaky breath and your eyes lifted from your lap to Erwin – he was your only hope in getting out of this without having your head bitten off. Sure, the Commander was an intimidating figure and on most occasions he would be the last person you would bother, but right now you had no options and were running out of time.

Apparently Erwin was quite entertained by the fiasco because his crystal blue orbs darted between you three vigorously, following the conversation intently. Maybe he even had a small smirk gracing his freshly shaven features, but you couldn’t tell, his hands were rested before mouth.

Was he seriously not going to do anything?

“Cadet, you cannot take this madwoman’s side just because she intimidates you!” Levi voiced, his words directed at you, but Hange was blocking your view of him so even if he was talking your way you couldn’t see “I’ve taught you better than this.”

 _“Why did I have to get dragged into this?”_ you thought, wanting desperately to pinch the bridge of your nose at their childish bickering, but refrained from doing so, you didn’t need them getting even more heated than they already were.

“Hah! If anyone intimidates her that’s you, what with your gloominess and edginess.” Hange practically scoffed in his face and you shrunk in your chair, you could almost feel his glare trying to pierce through her “Maybe if you learned to smile once in a while instead of death-glaring everything that moves (Y/N) wouldn’t be so scared to answer.”

“That has nothing to do with it! She knows her place and respects me as her Captain, she’s not afraid of me and has always stated her opinion. Unlike me, who fears for her safety, you yank her around forcing her to risk her life in your psychotic experiments without giving her a right to decide for herself.”

Was it still too late to run away?

 _“Commander, why aren’t you doing anything?”_ you thought and the moment his eyes landed on you, you welcomed his sight with the most pleading, dire look you had ever mustered.

You didn’t mind him enjoying the scenario, you would have enjoyed it too if you hadn’t been coercively pulled into it. You needed Erwin to do something before their attention was redirected from each other to you.

You couldn’t choose between Hange and Levi, both of them were dear to you and both of them scared the living daylight out of you at times, but you loved them regardless.

“Enough.”

Silence. You exhaled loudly with a hand pressing against your chest to calm your uneven breaths and offered the Commander a grateful ghost of a smile even if his attention wasn’t directed at you.

“Settle down you two, we are not here to argue.” Erwin stated and outstretched a hand towards Hange who had her arms crossed and was grumbling to herself, much like Levi “Squad Leader, your report, please.”

“Ah, yes.” she nodded and took out a few papers from her journal before tapping them against the desk to line them up and handed them to Erwin “Please ask any question, Commander.”

Finally, after feeling safe enough to move again, you placed your coffee on the desk, briefly glancing at the Commander for any signs of disagreement. He didn’t seem to mind, he was too busy flipping through the pages and reading and the more he learned the more his eyes widened. He looked appalled.

“What is it, Erwin?”

“Is this true, Cadet?” Erwin asked, completely ignoring Levi’s question.

“Yes, Sir. Everything in the report is true.” you answered strongly and sat up in your chair, your confidence starting to grow the more Erwin stared at you. You couldn’t read his expression, it was calm and ridden of emotional signs, but you were sure he was surprised, just as he had been when he had learned about Eren’s powers.

“You saved Squad Leader Hange’s life.” Erwin smiled at you kindly “Good work, Cadet.”

“She sure did.” Hange giggled and patted your shoulder proudly.

A rosy tint dusted your cheeks and your pulse quickened.

“Thank you, Sir!”

Being praised by Commander Smith, you hadn’t known what the feeling of it was until now, but you were sure you were already addicted to it. The most powerful man in the Survey Corps, the weight of his gaze, the piercing tone which he spoke with and that smile, you were sure rarely anyone saw it, and here you were, having it all to yourself.

A new spark of determination flared in your head, after so much time destroying your body with training, risking your flesh and blood to face the monsters beyond the walls for the ungrateful people you had sworn to protect, your strife to be a soldier had dulled down. But now, it was like joining the ranks all over again, but this time you had a different goal – you needed to see him smile at you again.

You had started slacking, the realization of it hit you hard, you stopped taking training seriously, stopped eating regularly and had little interest in getting enough sleep to be at your peak the next day. Hange’s missions had brought back some girth in you, especially the last one. Until now you had simply fought to stay alive, but after meeting him in person the Commander had ignited you again.

You were inspired.

“But – “

You jumped in your seat, his voice certainly wasn’t a subtle one.

“ – the way you saved her…” Erwin’s attention was completely focused on you and you felt yourself somehow completely isolated from the rest of the people present in the room “Explain to me exactly what you did.”

“I just…told him to stop, Sir.” you answered openly. It was the truth and you weren’t about to excaudate, not to the Commander, even if you wanted to impress him again “And he did. He let her go.”

“Erwin, what’s going on?”

By now Levi was barely containing himself. He hated confusion and the feeling of it slowly inching to him was irritating him. However, much like his first question, he was ignored, He wasn’t even sure if Erwin acknowledged if he was still in the office with them.

“Him?”

You laughed lightly at the Commander’s inquiring tone.

“Oh, yes. Hange…I mean, Captain Zoe decided to name him Aaron.”

“That is true! I decided – “

A fist was slammed against the desk, disturbing your forgotten coffee and cutting Hange off.

You leaned forward, seeing Levi’s hand unclench, pointing at the report in Erwin’s grasp. Unlike you and Hange, who had shifted in your seats from the sudden outburst, the Commander didn’t even bat an eye.

He handed Levi the papers, which the Captain snatched harshly before proceeding to flip through them. You couldn’t see his eyes, his hair was in the way, but the way his thumbs were pressing in the sheets signaled he wasn’t too happy with what he was reading.

“As I was saying.” Hange cleared her throat “Since the names have a similar ring to them, I decided to name him Aaron. He wasn’t too outspoken about liking it or not, but I’m sure Cadet (Y/N) will figure that out next time.”

“Eh? But I can’t read his mind.” you gasped and gave Hange a surprised look, regretting it as soon as you saw the haziness in her eyes. She was in her psychotic mode again.

“Are you sure about that, titan whisperer?”

“D-don’t call me that!” you scoffed awkwardly at her question.

“Mind reader or not, her ability to command the Aberrants should be the main focus.” Erwin added and leaned back in his chair “If she’s able to control their actions this might be a great step in advantage for us.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling her all night.” Hange agreed “But she was too busy worrying that someone might find out and didn’t listen to me at all!”

“Her worry is understandable. We need to be sure of her abilities before word goes out. It would only cause chaos and pull us back.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I suppose…” Hange trailed and looked away in thought, a finger tapping her chin absentmindedly.

The report was placed back on the desk, causing Erwin to turn away from you and Hange.

“State your opinion on the matter, Captain Levi.”

Levi looked unsurprised, he was leaning in his chair with arms and legs crossed and his significant scowls was present. He frowned at some unspoken thought, but kept his composure.

“I want to see it for myself.”

“Agreed.” Erwin nodded and turned to Hange “Squad Leader, I trust you to schedule another expedition, make sure, however that the Cadets are rested before you do so. Both Eren and (Y/N) need to be in their best condition.”

“Yes, Sir!”

“Inform me when you pick a date and save two open spots for Captain Levi and I. The rest of the participants you can choose.”

“Yes, Sir!” Hange repeated with a curt bow.

Erwin’s eyes were closed as he released an elongated, strenuous breath. All this was a bit too much to take in at such an early hour, it was positive though, so he didn’t mind as much, and he truthfully preferred it over the mountains of paperwork that were waiting for his attention.

His eyelids cracked open and his sky blue orbs were this time focused on you.

“Cadet, do you mind re-telling me what happened?” it was more an order than a question, but you were thankful that the Commander had at least tried to not sound as grave as he had “I trust Hange’s report, but I would like to know how everything had unraveled from your perspective.”

“Well…where to begin…” you mumbled to yourself, feeling the pressure that was building up after all attention had been practically sewn to you, but you decided to not let it get to you; Levi and Hange were close comrades and the only one you had actually struggled with was Erwin, but after a few words had been exchanged you didn’t feel as insignificant compared to him anymore “I suppose I should star from the first time there was a problem with Eren’s extraction procedure.”

Erwin nodded.

“Go on.”

**~O~**

It was warm outside, the sun was scourging the dry earth of the training grounds that was covered by countless little cracks and a thick coat of dust. It was noisy, countless Cadets were practicing their hand-to-hand skills and you watched them, but not really, your mind was somewhere else.

Your body was sticky with sweat and your hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail so you could let your neck breathe. A refreshing gust of wind came from your left, cooling down you heated limbs as they twitched and strained – an aftereffect from your training. Your back was leaned against a chestnut tree and you couldn’t be more grateful as it shielded you from the hot rays of the midday sun.

Your eyelids felt heavy and you had a difficult time keeping yourself awake, the moment and environment were just too nice, too relaxing.

“Hey, Reiner?” you gently poked the individual lying beside you under the tree “Have you ever wondered what it’s like behind the walls?”

The blonde shifted, separating his hands from behind his head and digging his elbows in the grass to perk his head up, his left leg was swinging from side to side lazily while the other was halfway bent and his knee was in the air.

“Yeah…” he answered breathlessly and you couldn’t help but spare him a swift glance.

Reiner was a patriotic fellow, he was always there for his friends and that included you, he protected those he cared for no matter the cost. You remembered meeting him back when you were still trainees and he had sparked an impression on you almost instantly. He was a man that fought with claws and teeth just for a small step towards freedom, he was fierce, strong and had a heart of gold and his goals set. With all that in mind, you weren’t expecting his answer to be so…vague.

“Oh, come on.” you nudged him cheekily “That’s not like the Reiner I know.”

“(Y/N),…do you think I’m a bad person?”

“What? Of course no!” you scoffed at the question and patted his head gently before playfully ruffling his hair, making him groan at you in irritation.

“Quit doing that! I always look like a mess because of you.”

“You love it and you know it, beefy.” you laughed and pulled away once he slapped your hand back “Are you afraid you’ll run into Krista? Eh? Don’t want to embarrass yourself?”

“No! It’s not that…” he denied with a hint of blush on his face and looked away.

“She’s so pretty, though…” you trailed dreamily, remembering the small fair haired girl with a smile on your face “She’s like an angel, I’d understand why you want to look your best for her. God, I wish I was that pretty!”

Reiner sat up and leaned on the tree next to you, towering over your small frame even while you two were seated.

“I think you’re just as beautiful, (Y/N).” he wasn’t looking at you as he said that, instead focusing on a pair of training Cadets to spare himself the awkwardness from his statement.

Your breath hitched in shock, a grin appearing on your face once it subsided.

“Awww, Rainer!” you locked and arm around his neck and pressed your head against the side of his jaw “You’re such a sweetheart.”

“I’m not! Hey! Quit it!” the blonde yelled while trying to pry you off of him, but you had no intention of letting him go soon. Instead you kept nuzzling in his neck and laughing as he grew more and more uncomfortable.

Oh this was too fun.

“I’m serious, (Y/N), someone might be watching!”

“Fine, fine!” you giggled and released him, causing him to almost tip over his own weight from trying to pull away from you so desperately “I don’t want to make Krista jealous.”

“I-it’s not that! I just – “he protested with a stutter, but you patted his shoulder gently to calm him down.

“Cool off, big boy, I’ll quit it.” you smiled sheepishly and placed a hand on your chest “I promise…Now, what’s this about you being a bad person?”

You saw Reiner’s mood drastically shift, his smile and blush suddenly gone. Your eyebrows scrunched in concern and you cocked your head to the side.

“Did someone say something to you?”

“No.” he shook his head and sighed “I’m just…asking.”

“Reiner…” you twisted in your spot to turn your body towards him “Listen…sometimes we do things that we just…have to. We don’t really have a choice sometimes, you know. It’s not always up to us.”

You knew the blonde had done something to end up thinking like this, it couldn’t have been an insult from someone, he just wasn’t the type to pay attention to petty things such as those. Maybe it was from watching so many of his friends die in the hands of titans and not being able to do anything. You didn’t know what had caused his distress, but you knew Reiner well, he was far from a bad person. In your eyes he was the complete opposite of that so you were driven by a flood of determination to prove him wrong.

“Reiner, no matter what happens, remember that you’re a soldier and to be a soldier you willingly gave away your life to fight for the safety of humanity. I don’t know what happened but…” you pressed a palm over his larger, battle-worm hand “You are not a bad person.”

He twisted his hand under yours and cupped it before squeezing gently, afraid that he might break it if he applied more pressure. You were stronger than him, he had realized that by now, you always beat him during combat training, you’d saved his life multiple times mere seconds before he became titan food, but now…At these moments you were your weakest, you were vulnerable, because you trusted him without hesitation. You blindly accepted his hollow words and took them to heart, not even suspecting that there was something more to him.

He was a warrior, responsible for the deaths of countless people, the screams and terrified faces of which haunted him every time he closed his eyes. He was a killer with a heart of stone and a mind so brainwashed he couldn’t even recognize himself anymore.

And there you were, teasing him, laughing with him, hugging him, sharing secrets with him, nuzzling in his neck, flicking his nose, punching him playfully and blowing breadcrumbs in his face whenever you sat down to eat together.

He smiled weakly, pain wallowed in his chest and it made it difficult for him to breathe, or was it the overwhelming guilt that was causing it? He didn’t know, he didn’t want to think about it. Instead he carefully swirled his thumb over the softness of your hand, it was still tightly secured in his.

He remembered how you’d splash him with water when you had dish duty together, get him and the floor soaking wet and then, being the clumsy twat you were, you’d slip on the water and cling to his shirt for dear life while trying to regain your footing.

It was sad, he was sad, and he hoped so direly that when his next assault for Eren approached you would be in the back of the lines and would die somewhere far away from him. He didn’t want to see you dead, he knew that if he did his last shrivel of sanity would die with you.

But as much as he lied to himself, somehow it was already decided. You would be at the front row along with Levi, maybe even try to kill him when you found out who he was.

No matter what you tried to do and Gods curse him for his weakness, he wouldn’t lay a single finger on you.

“Oi, Reiner!”

He squeezed his eyes at the fingers that were repeatedly snapping in front of his face. You were now standing up in front of him with a small scowl.

“Stop daydreaming about Krista and get up!” you ordered and outstretched a hand to help him up “I’m starving. Let’s go have lunch…with Krista.”

“Cheh…” he smirked and stood up on his own, ignoring your subtle teasing “If you tried pulling me up you’d end up falling on your ass.”

“Keep telling yourself that, beefy.” you flicked your tongue cockily and stuffed your hands in your pants “Come on.” you urged him “Let’s go.”

With a swift move of your arm, you jabbed your elbow in his stomach, causing him to huff harshly and step back.

“The hell!”

“And you’re not a bad person, now shut up.”

You hid your hand back in your pocket, trotting forwards with girth while Reiner held his stomach with a contorted face and trailed after you.

**~O~**

 

 The day had been strenuous from the start. First it was the report to Commander Erwin, which had taken taken an unexpected turn when you learned that your Captain had decided to attend as well, inevitably leading to some minor complications. Then there was Reiner’s out-of-the-blue transcendence into self-doubt after your sparring match. For which you had blamed yourself in the end, thinking that beating him in hand-to-hand every time had resulted in him questioning his abilities as a soldier.

Despite these heavy events, the day had progressed delightfully afterwards. Lunch had been a blast with Eren and Jean’s usual quarrels, Sasha trying to consume as much food as she could get her hands on and you sitting quietly with Reiner and Bertolt and just watching everything unfold.

It had been nice, your mind had finally stopped trying to decipher all the problems and uncharacteristic acts of your Captain that had seemed to flourish in the previous few days. You had actually thought it wouldn’t be such a bad day in the end, a pleasant turn of events that you had desperately needed even if you hadn’t known it.

All your hopes came tumbling down a few hours after dinner, now, to be exact, as you sat in your Captain’s office facing him and the scowl you had grown a bit more accustomed to. But right now ignorance wasn’t something you were capable of.

“Next time, Cadet, when I am forced to share my personal quarters with you, I’d ask you to refrain yourself from violating them.”

“I…” you stuttered, completely blown away, your hands clutched the belts around your hips, turning your knuckles ghostly white “You heard?”

Great, as if you needed more problems than you already had with Levi. Now, not only had you disrespected him as your superior, refused to accept his orders and practically ran away with Hange to participate in her insane experiments, but you had undoubtedly made a complete fool out of yourself.

But how had he even heard you? You were in the shower, the water should have masked your moans and it’s not like you were screaming in ecstasy, it had been just a small mewl that you had cut off shortly after.

What kind of hearing did this man have?

“Yes.” Levi simply nodded and rested his hands before his face, blocking your view and any chances you had to read him “Who was it?”

“Excuse me?” you blurted out, straightening in your seat. Did you hear him right?

“Whose name were you moaning, Cadet?” his eyes were practically crushing you with anticipation as he asked “Was it Yaeger again?”

Your pulse began to quicken and you felt the leather belts on your legs that you clutched so desperately become slippery with the sweat that was forming on your palms. You felt like a child that was being scolded, which wasn’t too far from the truth.

“My apologies, Captain, but I’d rather not answer that question.”

He was silent, watching you as you became fidgety in your seat and struggled with yourself and the sudden urge to stand up and leave.

You weren’t a coward, you were a Survey Corps soldier and you weren’t afraid to fly head on into a titan and slice it down, you weren’t afraid to fight. However, when it came to more human problems you were far from brave. Love and interactions were things you struggled with, especially when it came to feeling. You just weren’t good at it, you were dumb and you had it hard reading other people. Feelings just weren’t your strong side.

“So it was him.”

You shook your head at his statement rashly.

“No, Sir, it wasn’t.” you drummed your fingers against your knees thoughtfully and nodded to yourself before standing up “Sir, it’s been a long day. I…Would you like some tea? I’ll make some for myself and I thought – “

“ – Do you remember how I drink it?” Levi asked and scooped up a small amount of the mound of papers to his left and laid them before him for examination.

“Yes, Sir.” you nodded and couldn’t help but smile proudly “How can I forget?”

You were glad he was willing to let the topic go after your attempt at changing it. Why he let you slip out of the situation, though, wasn’t very clear. It could have been that he just didn’t care and only wanted to make his statement for your actions. Whatever the reason you were grateful for it.

“I’ll be back soon, Sir.” you stood up and heard him grunt in acknowledgement.

“Take a candle with you. I don’t want you tripping and waking everyone up.”

“Yes, Sir.” you chose the most recently lit candle from the display on his desk and after securing it in your hand you turned to the door.

**~O~**

It was quiet, the only noise was coming from the crackling fire inside the cooker that you had successfully lit up after a few failed attempts. You had filled up an iron kettle with water soon after and had placed it over the stove before sitting yourself on the counter rebelliously and swaying your feet in wait. Your fingers were absently tapping on your knees as you unintentionally stared at the heating stove. Your mind was flooding with thoughts and you didn’t mind, you had nothing better to do while you waited.

Levi wasn’t one to enjoy sleeping and during the countless nights you had shared the annoyance of paperwork together he had always asked you for strong black tea in order to stay awake and finish up his work for the following day.

You weren’t much of a tea person, it tasted too bland for your buds to favor, but you didn’t miss a chance to share a cup with Levi whenever he had some prepared. He had even taken you to the kitchen and taught you how to make it to fit his taste after attempting it yourself and failing. Of course, his lesson had come with a few blunt statements and some rudeness, but you were grateful nonetheless.

Footsteps were approaching the kitchen from the hallway and you slipped off the counter in case it was someone of a higher rank, preferring not to get in trouble even more than you would already be in for being awake and about this late into the night.

You turned towards the candle you had chosen to accompany you through your adventure, pretending to be unaware of the intruder coming your and crossed your hands in front of your chest protectively.

“Good evening, Cadet (L/N).”

 _“That voice…”_ you thought as shivers crept down your spine and almost made you shudder like the nervous wreck you had suddenly become.

“Commander?” you gasped silently and gave him a surprised look “Good evening. I wasn’t…expecting you.”

He chuckled lightly and you shot a hand up to hide that instant smile that stretched your lips.

“It seems fate has brought us together again.”

“Yes, a-apparently.” you agreed, your voice softening as you grew accustomed to his dominating presence and shifted slightly in your spot “What brought you here, Commander?”

“Apparently, the same thing as you, Cadet.” he said while eyeing the now steaming kettle “Would you mind sharing a cup with me while I prepare my own?”

“O-of course, Sir!” you darted towards the stove, picking up the kettle with a towel in your hand as to not burn yourself “I’m making black tea, Sir, I hope that’s not a problem.”

“Not at all.” Erwin said and replaced your kettle with his own shortly after filling it with water.  The few droplets that slid down the old thing hissed and sizzled away as soon as they reached the heated stove. “I’m making the same. I need it to refresh myself before I return to my work.”

“Oh, well I decided to make some for me and my Captain.” you replied with a polite smile, throwing a handful of herbs inside the hot water and then sealing them up to let them steep “He’ll be working late tonight again…like every other night. I wish I could help him with something more, but is the best I can do for now.”

You hadn’t noticed the disappointed breath that had snuck between your lips, but the large hand on your shoulder you just couldn’t miss. You stiffened and looked back at the Commander questioningly.

“Captain Levi is a hardworking man.” Erwin stated then offered you a reassuring smile “And he is also very lucky to have you prepare his tea for him while he’s working. It is a very polite gesture, Cadet.”

You stared at him wordlessly, the contact was making you feel odd, but you didn’t mind, it was somehow welcoming how warm his hand was making your shoulder and how heavy it was. He truly was born to be a Commander, just his smile could make you run head first into a horde of titans without a second thought.

The man was a role model.

“Thank you, Sir.” you flashed your pearly whites and reached out for two tea cups before carefully filling them up.

Erwin didn’t hesitate to lean in and cradle one of the cups in his hands. He rose the tea and took in a long breath, inhaling the scented steam and humming in satisfaction.

“I suppose you’re tired of hearing about this topic, but I must ask.” he took a brief sip and made sure to savor it “What is your opinion on your abilities, Cadet?”

If you had to be honest you weren’t sure. The events that were swirling around Eren’s titan seemed almost unbelievable and sometimes you wondered if they actually happened, that is until you saw Hange’s face and how lustfully she looked at you whenever you were in her sights ever since she found out.

It was incredible, that’s all you thought for now.

“I’ve wondered a lot about it, Sir.” you answered honestly and set your tea down, leaning back against the counter “And if it actually works the way I think it does I will do everything in my power to push us closer to victory.”

“That is good to hear.” Erwin rubbed his tired eyes and took another sip of his tea, he was genuinely interested in talking with you, but you could see he was beyond exhausted and it made you uncomfortable that he was trying so hard to keep a conversation just so it wasn’t silent while he waited for his tea “We’re always in need of dedicated soldiers such as yourself.”

“Indeed.” you couldn’t agree more, even though you had been one of the people lacking dedication until this morning. He didn’t need to know that, you wouldn’t risk his opinion of you changing drastically, that was the last thing you wanted. Erwin was an abstract figure to you, he seemed unreachable, and you hadn’t seen many be able to earn his favor, but now, from what you could tell, you had, you were under his gaze now. You had grasped his attention and that never happened. You wanted to keep things this way, you wanted to impress him, hoping that being on his good side meant you would be just as untouchable. It was just a thought but you could give it a shot.

The kettle on the stove whistled loudly, startling you and causing you to knock over your cup as you jerked in your spot. You winced as the hot tea soaked in the bottom half of your shirt and roughly pulled it away from your stomach, though it didn’t help much, your skin was already damaged. Your flesh burned and you were sure that there was a large red stop on your stomach where the tea had come in contact with.

God, of all people you decided to be a clumsy idiot and embarrass yourself in front of your Commander. So much for earning his favor.

“Ow…” you moaned meekly and slipped a hand under your shirt to rest it on your stomach, blindly checking how bad the damage was. You pulled your hand away when the sting that came with your touches and gritted your teeth.

You heard Erwin sigh before he took the kettle off the stove and set it aside.

Yup, you were definitely off his attention list.

He laid a rag over his palm before dunking it under the sink to wet it and squeezed the excess water out before turning to you.

“Let me see.” he ordered and you gulped at the forcefulness of his tone.

“There’s no need, Commander.” you mumbled but he didn’t seem to even acknowledge your words.

“Cadet, shirt up.”

You closed your eyes and lifted your shirt up, you didn’t want to remember this moment, this was too much for your pride to take.

Erwin knelt down and leaned in, you could feel his breath on your stomach and your grip on your shirt weakened. If it weren’t for the pain distracting you, there was no doubt in your mind you would have blushed by the closeness.

This was your Commander who was eye level with your crotch, how were you supposed to react? Even with him having nothing intimate in mind you still felt more than uncomfortable with the situation.

You let out a haggard huff and finally opened your eyes, staring at the tuft of golden hair that was just a few inches away from your skin.

“It doesn’t look too bad. You pulled your shirt away just in time.” he noted and locked sight with you, making you avert your gaze awkwardly with a scoff “It might feel uncomfortable. Brace yourself.”

He pressed the wet cloth to your stomach and you felt goose bumps cover your arms and legs from the coldness, but you remained in place, stilled by Erwin’s hand which was firmly gripping your hip.

God, this looked so wrong. You prayed no one else would walk in, it would be the end of you.

“Thank you, Commander.” you murmured and hesitantly pressed your own hand against the cloth as Erwin pulled away and stood up “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day and…”

“Accidents are bound to happen, Cadet, there is no need for apologies.”

You watched as Erwin placed your tea, the candle you had arrived in the kitchen with and two clean cups on a metal tray and gesture to you.

“Better take the tea to Levi, he isn’t known for his patience.”

“Yes, Sir.” you nodded and took the tray in your hands before heading for the door with your shirt now messy and soaked and hoping that your Captain wouldn’t pay you enough attention to notice it. You had laid the wet cloth back on the counter and after tonight you hoped you wouldn’t get kitchen duty; you just wouldn’t look at the dying rags the same way again.

“(Y/N).”

You stopped in your track and looked back to the Commander who had his back turned to you and seemed very focused on the herbs he was placing in his kettle.

“You may call me Erwin when it is just us two.”

“Yes, Com…Erwin.” you answered timidly, thankful that you were able to hide the sudden hype that came with his statement “Good night.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this took a while to do. My bad, uni is just taking up all my time lately. But fear not! I am back...Hope you enjoy the chapter ^_^


	5. Matchmaker

Wednesday was the peak of the bazaars all over the walls, the freshest bread was displayed them, the ripest fruits were sold and the amount of trinkets and clothing skyrocketed. It was common for the Survey Corpse soldiers to buzz around the stands and stores just to relax for a bit and let go of their duties. Being a soldier was crushingly difficult, more so mentally than physically, especially on the new recruits. It wasn’t a surprise how many newbies you saw pass by the small bakery you had taken refuge in. You could almost say that there were more soldiers on the streets than commoners.

It was late spring, the sun was scorching and you, in your not so right mind, had chosen to go out and tuck yourself in a hot steamy bakery in the middle of the day. If it weren’t for the donuts lying before you on the small wooden table, you would have started moaning a while back about returning to base, but Petra knew your weakness, one of them being sweets, and she had taken advantage of you. But you couldn’t complain, you had donuts.

You had unbuttoned your jacket and shirt a while back and now stood in a simple black tank-top, your hand lifting from time to time to wipe the beads of sweat that keeps persistently forming on your forehead.

You loved Petra, she was a sweetheart, but she didn’t always make the best choices like falling in love with a sociopath. For some odd reason the heat didn’t seem to bother her at all, either that or she was too shy to take her shirt off in case your Captain passed by the bakery and saw you two.

You bit into a strawberry donut with a scoff, eyeing Petra and grimacing at the thoughtful expression that rested on her face.

“Stop it.” you murmured over a mouthful “Thinking about him won’t change anything, you need to do something before someone else swoops him away.”

The horror in her eyes lit up like a torch and she jerked in her seat.

“You think that could happen?”

“No.” you snickered “I’m joking, Petra, calm down. No one in their right mind would approach Captain with a love proposal. But he does have a big fan base…” you trailed off teasingly and laughed when the color drained from Petra’s face.

“It’s not funny!” she protested “I don’t…I don’t know what to do…I do my best to impress him, but he doesn’t even notice.

“Have you tried hinting at him about it?”

The petite brunette shook her head and you sighed. Your head rested in your hand as your elbow pressed against the table.

You didn’t know if Levi favored any feelings for Petra, you couldn’t be sure, but there was no other female he could stand except her. You thought that was the most solemn fact and you clung to it, and apparently so did she. He was polite to her, didn’t make her do too much hard work – maybe he did feel something. It was a long shot, but it was better than nothing.

Now that you thought about it, Petra was the only person Levi was actually _somewhat_ nice to and it wasn’t because she was a female. You were a female and the only thing you got from the short man was yelling, cussing and orders. You had never seen him even look at Petra the wrong way.

 _“The privileges of being a Petra…”_ you thought with a mental frown.

Yeah, she was definitely not indifferent to him.

“Do you think he even sees me in that way?”

You blinked back your thoughts, focusing on the brunette instead and feeling a pang of guilt for the spark of jealousy that had prickled you at the thought of her privileges. For the love of God, she was working day and night, doing her best to impress your Captain, of course he would be tolerant with her. The only thing you seemed to do was get in trouble.

“I think so, yeah.” you nodded with a reassuring smile “He’s nice to you, he treats you with respect and he rarely acts like that with anyone.” you laid your hand over hers, doing your best to dismiss her insecurity “Petra, give it a chance. Captain is a difficult man, he’s not fond of emotions, but he does have them. If there’s anyone he has feelings for it’s you.”

She gave you a small smile while nonchalantly looking at your hand.

“I suppose you have a point.”

“From all the handsome men in the Survey Corpse you just had to fall for the one with the most issues.” you snickered when she slapped your hand away and huffed.

“I didn’t really get to pick, you know.” she mumbled in what little anger she could muster “Stop picking on me! You’re supposed to help me!”

“Hey, hey!” you waved a hand at her in protest “You chose to come to me for help. I never said I was good at these things. Tc…” you flicked your tongue as the brunette crossed her arms childishly “Petraaa…trust me. He has some feelings for you. We just need to find out what kind.”

“I’m still not sure.”

“You’ll never be sure.” you stated and straitened in your seat “Might as well try and if nothing happens, guys come and go. However – “you stuffed the last piece of your donut in your mouth and dusted the powdered sugar from your fingers “ – if there is something between you two, this might be the chance to change your life.”

“Yeah, but…how do I deepen things? I have to do something…” her eyes raised to meet yours in question “But what?”

“I think for best results we should isolate you two somehow.” you suggested “But with the rest of the squad always together I’m not sure how that will work out.”

“Can’t you take Eld and the rest out somewhere? For drinks maybe?”

You gave Petra a look of disbelief.

“Are you hearing yourself right now?” you blurted “Hell no, Oluo alone is a handful when he gets drunk, I can’t handle all three of them, especially drunk. They get too touchy feely, Oluo the most.”

You grunted at the memories of the last time your Captain made the mistake of letting Oluo drink. The man had gotten so intoxicated he stopped in the middle of the street and started petting and talking to a snail he found, it had been a sight to see. The interesting part was that it had been your first outing with your team as you had been freshly recruited, only a few days prior.

All in all, it had been an amusing first impression and since you had been the one that had volunteered to tend to the very hung-over Oluo the next day you had easily earned his good side. From then on you couldn’t stop teasing the man about the events that night, but since you had been his caretaker he couldn’t say a single word to you. However, if anyone else spoke about it God preserve them.

“What then?” Petra asked “I understand yeah, the three of them can be a bit much at times, but I don’t see another option.”

You puffed out a breath.

“Well, I can’t think of anything on the spot and God knows this heat is melting my brain away.” you stood up, threw your jacket and shirt over your shoulder and cradled the box of donuts with your free hand “Let’s take a walk. I might come up with something after some fresh air.”

Petra nodded and stood after you, leaving her half empty coffee mug behind.

“I just hope we figure out something…”

“We will.”

**~O~**

About an hour and one box of donuts into your quest to think of a plan Petra had simply given up and now was walking behind you, hunched over and with a grim face. You hadn’t given up though, not yet, and you thought that walking around the bazaar was a great way to find inspiration. Maybe you could get Levi to buy Petra a present, maybe you could find a nice place where the two could “casually” bump into each other. The possibilities were endless, you just needed to find the right one.

“Oh come ooon!” you whined and draped an arm around the grumpy girl “I’ll think of something, I promise. Now stop being a sour apple and cheer up. Ah! Oluo!” you yelled and waved your hand at the familiar man.

Even with the streets being flooded the guy’s fabulous hair was practically unmistakable.

You saw him skim the crowd briefly before spotting you and grinning widely, there you were – the troublemaker of the team.

“(Y/N)! Petra!” he went for a wave, but the crate of potatoes in his hands prevented from any hand gestures whatsoever. Instead he nodded and nudged his head for you two to go closer.

You grabbed Petra’s arm and trotted forward, trying your best to avoid bumping into anyone, but with the amount of people stacked around the stores it was rather difficult.

Petra seemed to cheer up slightly, you could tell by the light smile she wore as soon as her eyes landed on your teammate, because if he was here there was a chance for your Captain to be nearby. A typical love fool she was.

“What are you doing here?” you asked and pointed to the crate in Oluo’s hands “And what’s all this for?”

“Always with the questions…”the man let out a heavy breath and shook his head “The Commander asked Captain Levi for a favor. The kitchens were running low on some supplies and since the bazaar is stocked today we were asked to come pick up a few things.”

“Eh? But Sasha always devours everything! Why isn’t she helping?”

Oluo barked out a laugh at your question before setting the crate down and dusting his hands off.

“We’re the most responsible, silly twat.” he smirked and mentally patted his own shoulder.

You snorted in response.

“Yeah…responsible. About that…”

“Don’t you dare speak a word about that night again.” Oluo warned, already prediction your idea and you couldn’t help but stifle a laugh.

“Fine.” you forced out through a swallowed giggle and made a cross over your chest “Cross my heart.”

“Thank God, I’m too tired to deal with you today, kid.” he ran a hand through his slightly sweaty hair and turned back towards the open doors of the store he had walked out of “Oi! Eld! What’s taking you so long?”

You looked back at Petra and patted her shoulder gently.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m ok.” she nodded and offered you a forced smile, which you returned with one of sympathy.

“Everything’s going to be alright. Just trust me.” your smile evolved into a grin when she nodded and straitened up a bit.

You’d think of something, you had to, Petra deserved a bit of happiness in her life, even if that meant having to watch her and your Captain kiss and make suggestive remarks while you were around. You wouldn’t honestly mind it, aside from the fact that it would be too awkward to converse with them after knowing they screwed with each other. However, if that meant seeing them happier it was a fair price to pay.

“Pipe down, we’re coming.”

“Captain! Hello.” you grinned and saluted at the familiar voice shortly after the man walked out of the store with a sack on his back.

He glanced at you, his dull eyes lingering over your scarcely clothed frame, taking in the way your top clung to your slightly sweaty skin. His gaze passed unnoticed by you, but Petra had taken note and despite her discomfort unbuttoned the top button of her shirt. The action caused Levi to snap out of his daze and scoff.

“What are you two doing here?”

“Ah well, we decided to take a stroll around the market.” you replied, nodding to yourself in the newly appeared opportunity and stepped forth “We’d like to help out. Is there anything we can do?”

“It would be nice of you not to be useless for once.” Levi nodded and handed you the sack on his back “It’s full of flower, I can’t really risk to trust you with anything else. It shouldn’t be too heavy.”

“It’s not.” you agreed after testing it on your back and glanced at Petra, giving her a wink and nudging your head towards the Captain.

“What can I help with, Captain?” she asked suddenly with a voice of determination.

“Come, I have a few more sacks left in the store.” he motioned for her to follow and turned on his heel.

You patted her back encouragingly when she passed by you and saw her genuinely smile for the first time all day. Finally, a real smile, it had taken a while, but seeing her like this made it worth the struggle.

“They match don’t they?” you asked, doing your best to sound as casual as possible as you nudged Oluo “I think they’d make a cute couple.”

“Ahh…I don’t really know.” the man shook his head, looking extremely uncomfortable and his eyes darted away from yours as soon as your face contorted in confusion.

“What?” you tugged on the sleeve of his jacket, but Oluo simply bent to pick up his crate and started walking forward.

“Come on, kid, the carriage isn’t too far away.”

“Hey! What was that supposed to mean? Oluo!” you strode after him stubbornly. The sack was heavy on your back, but you fought against it and pressed on, trying to catch up to the man whose steps were much wider than yours. And no wonder, he was two heads over you. A puff of breath left you as soon as you reached his side and scoffed “So what was that supposed to mean?”

“It means Captain might not be interested in Petra anymore.” Eld spoke up after catching up to you and Oluo, his breaths haggard from the two large sacks in each of his hands.

You readjusted the weight on your back and took in a deep breath of dry hot air. God, this thing was heavy.

“I don’t understand.” you said honestly, your eyebrows locked together “So he had feelings for Petra?”

“Look, (Y/N), it’s not our business to talk about the Captain’s personal life.” Eld answered “We thought he had a liking to Petra a while back, but not anymore.”

“Well, why not anymore? Did something happen?”

Maybe it was because of the heat that was almost suffocating you, or the flower that was trying to break your spine, or the fact that Petra is hopeless, but your nerves were thinning out quickly. And at the same time your teammates decided this would be the perfect time to play guess the secret. Now that you overthought your actions you really shouldn’t have gotten Oluo’s attention in the first place. Maybe a new dress or a trinket would have been a good shot at cheering up Petra, you didn’t need to do all this.

You glanced behind you, detecting a tuff of black hair and sighed. They were alone now at least so your plan had partially worked. However, you were stuck with two riddle telling grumps that just loved to make you feel like the baby of the group.

And to think that the day had begun so well.

“Damn right something happened.” Oluo said, not even turning to you, for some reason his eyes were glued to a suddenly very interesting imaginary cloud in the sky.

“What?! What happened?” you moaned through gritted teeth “Can you two stop playing riddle and just tell me the whole thing? It’s not like I’m a snitch. You know that! I won’t tell anyone.”

You kicked a pebble with the side of your foot, making it tumble and fall off the bridge you were walking over.

“We know that you aren’t a snitch, (Y/N).” Eld spoke in a reassuring tone “But we don’t really know anything. It’s just speculations. So better to keep them to ourselves then spew them out and have them turn out wrong, right? Please try to understand.”

Oluo nodded in silent agreement and you couldn’t help the defeated breath that slipped past your lips.

“Honestly? I don’t understand.” you said, your voice barely audible, as if you were speaking to yourself rather than your teammates “We’re a team. We’ve been for a while now and you guys have never hidden anything from me.” then you lowered your head, accepting defeat “But fine. It’s your choice and I have too much respect for you two to force you.”

“Then you do understand.” Eld answered.

“I just…I really want to help Petra, you know?” you shrugged stiffly, the sack on your back making it a lot harder than it should have been.

“You’re doing a pretty good job there, kid.” Oluo commented with a snicker after taking a glance back at the Captain and Petra, who seemed to be delved into a heated conversation.

“I do my best!” you laughed lightly “But! If things don’t work out, you have to tell me what all these conspiracies of yours are all about. I mean, I’m kinda walking blind right now since you two are such wusses and don’t want to tell me anything.”

“You know what? Deal.” Oluo shook his head, having enough of your persistence “If your matchmaking doesn’t work out I’ll tell you everything. I’m sick of gossiping behind Captain Levi’s back anyway.”

“Fine by me.” Eld sighed, then chuckled at the grin that spread on your face. You were such a child sometimes.

“Deal!” you squeaked, basking shamelessly in your victory.

You weren’t anything special, at all. If it wasn’t for Levi’s intensive training you would probably be the worst Cadet in the history of the Survey Corps and if it wasn’t for Hange’s twisted yet genius ways of teaching you wouldn’t have been the top of your mental and IQ exams. You weren’t special, you stood out with nothing, but you knew how to befriend and with just that little charm of yours you had crawled under the skin of so many people it was almost unbelievable.

Oluo, Eld and Gunther had all pondered endless days about why Levi had chosen you as the new squad recruit, hell even Petra had her doubts. That is until they got to talk to you.

You had never used fancy words or manipulative tactics, you were just plain you, but you knew how people worked and frankly you had earned your team’s trust and care before they had even registered what hit them. That was an amazing trait to have, Oluo himself had told you that during training one day when he had chosen to take a blow for you as you hadn’t noticed Gunther charging your way.

Sure, the guys weren’t very outspoken and loving, but they cared and they protected you and you did your best to protect them. You were the one that tried to smooth out the argument whenever Oluo spoke up about why Eld was second in command or comfort Petra whenever Levi failed to notice something she had done for him. You had become the string that tied the team tightly together whether they liked it or not and you were good at your job even if you had started spending less and less time with them recently.

 _“Maybe that’s why they’re all cranky and depressed.”_ you thought jokingly and surpassed a snort.   

The carriage was visible from where you were, which gave you a boost of stamina to continue walking. You picked up your pace, walking past Oluo and Eld, your boots clicked energetically over the rocky ground and you took in a deep breath.

 _“Just a little more.”_ you thought and with a few more wide steps you flung the sack from your back into the carriage and exhaled loudly.

“Pfff, finally!” Eld gasped once he unloaded his share of supplies and wiped the sweat from his face. He sat himself on the edge of the carriage and unbuttoned his shirt before rolling up his sleeves. Oluo followed closely behind, setting his crate next to Eld before stretching his arms to get rid of the recently acquired stiffness.

“Say…Where is Gunther?” you asked nonchalantly while fanning your hands before your face. God, this heat was going to be the death of you.

“Sick. He’s been throwing up all morning.” Eld said with a disgusted look on his face.

“Poor Gunther.” you giggled “I should pay him a visit when we’re back.”

“Better not, he might be contagious.”

You nodded and sighed.

“Ah, yeah, I suppose you have a point.”

**~O~**

By the late hours of the afternoon the carriage was piled with supplies and your team was dead tired. The last few crates of food were cradled between you and the others, except for Oluo who had suffered a heat stroke and was now lying in the carriage and moaning in his sleep. How his spine didn’t break under all the edges of the crates and satchels was beyond you, but at least he wasn’t complaining about the heat anymore.

Levi had taken it upon himself to carry Oluo’s share as well and he didn’t seem strained at all, unlike you who was panting and taking breaks between carrying your crate every once in a while, whenever you felt your arms were going to rip off.

Your current resting spot was in front of a jewelry stand as you eyed a particular sapphire chain with a shine in your eyes; your crate – forgotten.

“Petra, look!” you beckoned her over, tearing her away from her conversation with your Captain “Isn’t it just stunning?”

“Oh wow…” she gaped and bobbed her head “It’s amazing…Oh look at the ruby one! It’s shinning in the sunlight. It’s like fire!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty, but it doesn’t really suit my character.” you snorted and turned to her “Yours, thought. It would fit you perfectly.”

“I think I’ll get it.” Petra stated absentmindedly “I’ve saved up a lot in the last few months and I haven’t really bought anything for myself.”

“It would suit you well.” you smiled knowingly “But don’t rush to buy it. I have a plan.”

You weren’t one to gawk over new dresses and trinkets, not constantly at least, with your job as a soldier and the low wage you received you were just happy you got your belly full. However, there were rare times when you liked to spoil yourself, and in your opinion it was only fair. Risking your life constantly didn’t mean you had to be a weapon for humanity. You were still human, still a woman, it was in your system to look fondly at a new item you bought for yourself, whether it was a tasty treat a clothing item. But a necklace? You hadn’t bought jewelry in so long, mostly because you never wore any to begin with. You weren’t trying to impress anyone, but this one, this small blue jewel just…drew you in. You had to have it and if Petra purchased her ruby one you two would be like the two faces of a coin.

Your girly side squeaked in excitement and normally you’d cringe at yourself, but in that moment you were too hyped to care. There wasn’t anything wrong in acting like a little girl from time to time, you thought.

“Another plan?” Petra raised a brow at you, but you dismissed her uncertainty easily.

“The easiest way to check if someone – “ you nudged your head towards Levi “ – has any romantic feelings towards you is if they get you a gift.”

“Aaaand?”

“Aaand if Captain purchases the necklace for you as a gift that will give you your answer. You’ll know if he shares your feelings or not.” you mumbled quietly, a proud smile on your face, Petra, however, didn’t seem as sure in your plan as you were.

“I think that’s a bit too farfetched to work.” she mused.

“Oh you and your trust issues.” you sighed “Believe in me. Just this once. And if things don’t go according to plan, fuck it. There will still be a chance. Levi is difficult. He’s cold, he’s bland, but he still has a heart.” you smiled and wrapped an arm around Petra’s shoulders “And who knows? A small image of you might be lurking somewhere inside that heart.”

“Ok, ok.” Petra laughed “Enough of your preaching. Do what you need to do.”

“But that sapphire though.” you slapped her on the back before resting your hands on your hips, as if your little snickering had never happened.

“Don’t waste your coins on such useless trinkets.”

You turned back at the sharpness of the new voice that had joined your and Petra’s blabbering and huffed.

“But, Captain, it will make me look so pretty!” you whined, surpassing a smirk at the irritated expression that crept up his features.

Levi scoffed at your childish statement.

_“You’re already beautiful enough…”_

“Waste of money.”

“Say, Captain.” Petra hummed “Which one do you prefer? The red or the blue one? I like the red one a bit more, but I think both are very beautiful.”

“Neither.” Levi answered simply and crossed his arms.

I patted Petra’s shoulder after noticing her blank look and smiled sympathetically at her.

“Hey now, why don’t you go ask the shop keeper about the prices of the necklaces? I’m sure he’ll give you a discount if you put your lost puppy face.”

“Hah…sure I’ll try.” she nodded and entered the shop, giving way for you to proceed with your plan.

“Captain?” you inquired, sliding closer to Levi like a breeze “Petra really likes that ruby necklace, I think it would be a great gift to make, don’t you?”

“Why are you hinting me to buy Petra a gift?” Levi asked and you immediately stiffened.

“I’m not, I’m just saying.” you managed to choke out “It is a really nice ruby.”

“Hm…I like the sapphire better.” he murmured and stepped away “Once you’re done gawking take Petra and get to the carriage. I’ve had enough of this filthy bazaar all day.”

**~O~**

“God, you are so bad at this.”

You glared at Eren with all the frustration you could gather up and barked back.

“Well if Petra wasn’t acting like a child and I didn’t have to pair her with a sociopath it wouldn’t be this damn difficult.”

“To be honest, (Y/N), I think you’re doing a good job.” Armin said with an encouraging look “It’s just the people that you’re trying to set up are very different and that complicates things.”

“True, but opposites are supposed to attract.” Mikasa stated, shattering what little hope you still had.

The carriage had taken off with your squad a while back, but you had fortunately spotted the famous trio and since you had little interest in returning home, you decided to stick around with them. The four of you settled down on a few benches once you had supplied yourselves with a bottle of cheap, sour wine and were now discussing your amazing day since theirs had lacked the bumps and turns.

You weren’t surprised, though. If you had a single normal day you’d most likely think of a way to screw it up, the drama and action were just glued to your ass like honey and you had no way of shaking them off. You couldn’t complain, however, all these happenings did keep you occupied. You’d much rather have to deal with all your day to day disasters that you seemed to cause yourself over being a Commander and writing paperwork all day.

“Thanks guys, you’re all so supportive.”

Eren couldn’t help the throaty laugh that erupted from his chest and you smirked victoriously.

His laugh always seemed to fuel you up for a millennia ahead, it was so genuine and warming. It made your heart drum in an alien manner. God, you were just as bad as Petra, but at least your man of interest didn’t act like the king of the ice.

You laid a hand over your chest, eyes faded in thought.

Right…now that you thought about it…

You were a selfish prick, was all you were. The more you thought about it the clearer it became. You weren’t helping Petra out of good will, all the nights you’ve talked over tea and mornings over coffee about her and Levi, all the encouraging words you’d offered and all day today trying to spark something between them to happen. All this wasn’t because you were a good friend, it was because you were trying to prove to yourself that there was a chance for Eren to see you the way Levi would see Petra…eventually. You were doing this for you, not her, and now that the realization of the core behind your actions hit you, you felt sick.

“Hello? (Y/N)?”

You jumped, the fingers that were snapping in front of your face now visible after the fog of thoughts cleared. You looked at Eren, surprised, then laughed the awkwardness that had settled away.

“Yeah, sorry. I spaced out there.”

“I said that you’re blind.” he grumbled “I’ve told you multiple times that Shorty has something for you, why can’t you acknowledge that?”

“I will when you have proof Mr Matchmaker.” you snorted cheekily.

“I’m on the case Ms Matchmaker.”

“Why are you trying to match them up so badly anyway?”

“Drink your wine, blonde.” you barked at Armin’s question and refilled his half empty cup “I don’t really know.” you lied, then took a large sip of your drink to wash down the shame “Maybe because Petra is a dear friend that I’m always willing to help.”

“That –“ Eren smirked “ – and Shorty wouldn’t be so cranky after getting laid.”

You choked on your wine and slapped your knee repeatedly.

“Eren!” you coughed out between staggered breaths and laughing. You felt a hand pat your back vigorously, helping you force out what little of the wine was left in your lungs.

“Sorry.” was all the boy said before he locked an arm around your shoulders “But you have to admit it’s true. He is so sour sometimes.”

“He scares me, especially with that glare.” Armin admitted and visibly shivered.

“Tc, you tend to get used to it after a while.” you sighed in disregard. True, Levi was scary, but after some time one tends to start ignoring his snarky attitude and death glares.

“Yeah, I don’t get it. You’re so nice and cheerful, (Y/N).” Eren thought out loud “How come you’re on his team? Isn’t the whole squad full of really serious expert titan killers?”

“Excuse me?” you gasped at him, flinging his arm away from you with a tinge of regret “I’ll have you know I’ve killed more titans than you’ve seen!” your eyes lowered after that and you scanned over the writings of the bottle in your hands “I don’t know.” you admitted sincerely “I actually have no clue. I’m not anything special. Sure I’m a bit faster than Petra, but that’s about it.” you smiled to yourself as a familiar hand proceeded to snake its way around your shoulders again and continued “It’s always been a mystery to me why Captain chose to take me into their team. It makes no sense, ya know?”

“If Captain Levi chose you consciously that means you have something that no one else has.” Mikasa spoke up, making you raise your look to her. She had barely said anything during your drinking, preferring to listen and enjoy her wine even if it wasn’t the most pleasant. It was all you four could afford without going completely empty pocketed “Don’t doubt yourself just because you can’t see something Captain Levi can.”

“I guess you’re right.” you shrugged.

“Don’t worry, (Y/N), we think you’re special.”

You giggled at Armin’s statement.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.”

**~O~**

Here you were again, in the late hours of the night, tipsy, tired, sticky, dirty and very smelly, listening to Petra with a hand on her back as she spoke in a raspy voice, close to tears. You were drained, mentally drained, but when she had confronted you in the dining hall after most had left to retire for the day, when you saw the look on her face you couldn’t say no to her plea to stay and talk. Hours later you were still at the same table you had sat down to enjoy your dinner, taking in every salty word she spilled and doing your best to push back your half-drunk state and focus on her. You hadn’t even set a foot in your sleeping quarters, but you didn’t mind, your roommates had a tendency of being loud and the light headache you had wouldn’t appreciate that much.

“Petra you can’t expect him to become all lovey-dovey out of the blue. That’s not in his nature, he’s not like that.” you murmured not very comforting, but true words as you trailed circles on her back.

She had her face planted in the table, arms circled around her to hide her slightly reddened eyes from the light of the candles. She merely sighed at your statement.

“I really think I love him, (Y/N).” she whispered, unsure in her own words “And if not, it’s something really really close to love.”

“I know that, but you’re being impatient.”

“And what about the necklace? Nothing happened. I even checked around my bed in case he hid it.”

The bitterness in her words stung you and you felt more than guilty for giving her false hopes, but in the end it wasn’t up to you, you were doing what you could.

“You said it would work.”

“I can’t be completely sure, you know. It’s up to Levi, I can’t dictate what he does.” you bit back with equal harshness, then softened “You can’t base his entire emotional state on a piece of jewelry. It didn’t work, ok, we’ll try something else.”

Normally statements like Petra’s wouldn’t even budge you, you knew she was hurting and for how long she had been trying to get your Captain’s attention so it was normal for her to get frustrated once in a while. Usually this wouldn’t bother you one bit, but right now you had had your fair share of wine and you weren’t in your best thinking state. You were pushing yourself enough with staying in the dining hall listening to your teammate complain instead of just going to bed, you couldn’t handle snarky comments and accusations just because you were trying to do something and she wasn’t.

“No, enough with this.” Petra’s head rose up “I’m telling him. I can’t do this anymore. I just want to know.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” you nodded sloppily, too tired to restrain yourself from become a mound of goop on the table “I think Captain would appreciate you being honest and forward with him. And if it doesn’t work out well…the Survey Corps is full of handsome men that I’m sure would love to get an ounce of your attention. You’re a pretty girl, Petra, you should tell yourself that more often.”

“You’re right.” she agreed than offered you an apologetic smile “I’m sorry about all this. You’ve been doing everything you can while I’ve just been sulking and doing nothing. You’re a keeper, (Y/N), thank you for everything.”

You grinned haggardly at her.

“Well I didn’t do much, but I’m just glad you’ve mustered up the courage to talk to him about it. I’m proud of you.”

“We should head to bed, I’ve been complaining for hours now.” the girl giggled in embarrassment and stood up “I’ll escort you, after all, you gave up a good few hours of sleep listening to me rant about my failing love life.”

You were about to protest, but a heavy wave of dizziness washed over you as soon as you stood on your feet so instead you nodded. Petra held a single candle in her hand, lighting up your way to your room and softly humming under her breath.

Ah, yeah, you had forgotten about that, she could sing, very beautifully actually. The first time you had heard her you hadn’t known it was Petra, but when you did you had literally tackled her on the spot and showered her with applause and compliments. It had been an awkward sight, but you had been new to the team back then and trying your best to earn everyone’s trust. She hadn’t minded though, even if she had reddened around the cheeks.

She had told you she didn’t sing that often, but when she did you could spot it from miles, her voice was like a melody, unlike yours sadly. You had always wanted to be able to sing, but didn’t have the talent for it, at least you could bathe in Petra’s melodic talent and imagine it as you, right?

“So? How are Mikasa and the others?”

“Ah, well, same as usual.” you laughed quietly “The casual troublemakers.”

“To be expected from them.” Petra giggled then came to a half in front of your door “Thanks again for being there for me.”

“Always! You just make sure to seek me out when you need me, okay?” you said, hand already on the doorknob “I’ll always be there for you. Good night and make sure to come tell me what happens with Captain.”

“Yeah, I will.” she nodded “Good night.”

You opened your door and tried to be as quest as possible while you made your way to your bed, grateful that your roommates had left a lit candle before going to sleep. You’d have to make it up to them later.

You stripped silently, leaving a small pile of your dirty uniform on the ground and slid into the safety of your bed. You’d have to bathe tomorrow, right now you were too exhausted to do anything besides sleep, that and you didn’t want to disturb the silence in the room any longer.

The bed felt like heaven under your worn body and you couldn’t help but take in a long breath, enjoying the smell of sleep that lingered on your sheets and blanket. You turned on your side, facing the candle, ready to blow it out once you made yourself comfortable, but winced when your hand touched something unfamiliar under your pillow.

 _“What in the world?”_ you thought gingerly and lifted your pillow, expecting to see some sort of bug, and stiffened once you saw what lay beneath. Your heart picked up its pace and now thumped wildly against your chest as your eyes widened. Was the candle light playing tricks on you?

The sapphire necklace glinted in the flame of the candle and it would have been a beautiful sight if it weren’t for the sounds of shattering dreams in your ears.

_“Captain…”_

Now you understood why Oluo and Eld had been hesitant to tell you the reason for Levi losing interest in Petra.

_“So much for making them promise to talk.”_

A hand was clutching the hem of your tank top as you stared at the jewelry intensely.

_“Petra…”_

If she found out she wouldn’t even look at you anymore, but you could always tell you got it yourself, but what if Levi told her? And even if he didn’t tell her he would still reject her and it would be your fault because you were the one who filled the poor brunette’s head with belief and pictures of them together. This was your fault, those stupid necklaces, you should have never even mentioned them. You shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place.

What the hell were you supposed to do now?

You picked up the necklace and ran a trembling finger over it.

Well…at least it was pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, oh on, I'm so sorry I took so long to write this. I'm sorry for any errors as well. I've had today off and that's about it so I've barely had any time to look over the text. I hope you guys still like it even if you find a few errors. :D  
> Now I will go eat. I haven't done that in a while.


	6. The white lie

You winced as the nurse wrapped the end of the bandage around your wrist and patted your shoulder. You were too drugged to feel pain, but the knowledge that your brain would eventually register pain again had made you slightly hypersensitive.

“It should heal in a few weeks.” she stated with a reassuring smile “Make sure not to strain it too much and dont get it wet and you should be just fine.”

You stared at your wrist blankly. By now the painkillers had taken their toll and you barely felt anything. There was just a numb pulse coming from undernreath the bandages, but you didn't mind it, you wouldn't have minded the absence of anestesia either - this was your fault after all.

“Thank you.” you nodded in appreciation, ignoring the searing glare that was trying to burn holes in the side of your head.

And to think that a simple water fight with Reiner while you were on dish duty would end up with you slipping and falling on your wrist. The wonders of what a little soapy water could do...

A disgusting crack had been heard as soon as you had hit the floor and the victorious grin that had been plastered on Reiner's face had vanished as the realization of your pained face had soaked in. He had scooped you up and rushed you to the infermary as fast as he could, chaotically dodging a few Cadets and in the end, much to your displeasure, bumping into Levi.

At that moment you had thought just how lucky you were today.

Your Captain had joined in the jog to the nurse after Reiner had offered a quick summery of the accident and by the look on Levi’s face you had known you were in for a lecture. Once you had been settled in the infermary Levi had dismissed Reiner with a heafty amount of curses and threats before turning to you, although by now you were so drugged that you could barely register his act of intimidation. God, these drugs were good.

The nurse started to gather up her kit, uncaring for the tension that was thickening in the room the longer your Captain stared at you with a less than friendly look. And why would she care? You were her patient and she had done her part, from then on it was up to you to deal with your cranky Captain. You didn't mind though, you were used to having Levi biting your ass every time you got in trouble, however, this was the first time you had gotten injured because of your cheekiness. In your history of being a troublemaker you had always came out unharmed no matter the situation, hell, even while interracting with Eren's titan it had ended up well. But now it was different and you felt exactly like a small child about to be scolded by their parent for getting injured because of foolishness.

“You're an idiot.”

“ _Oh_ _,_ _here we go._ ” you thought, already prepared for the pep talk and generally interested in what new harsh words and insults your Captain would use.

“We're a week away from an important mission and you, with all your stupidity, break your damn wrist and cut off the squad with one less skilled person.” Levi hissed and in a fit of frustration gripped your chin and turned your hazy eyes to meet his sharp ones “How stupid are you exactly? Are you retarded? What the hell is wrong with you?” his expression softened, he slowed down his words, apparently registering how drugged you were and swallowing back his rage for a later time “Is he responsible? ”

“Captain...it was an accident.” you answered drowsily and laid a hand over the grip he had on your chin. His fingers twitched before sliding away from yours and you cursed yourself for even thinking of attempting to reach for them. Yup, you were definitely out of it.

“Reiner didn't do anything. I just fell, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.”

Levi sighed and pintched the bridge of his sharp nose in aggravation.

“Idiots. Both of you.”

It looked like he was expecting you to protest, which in normal circumstances you would, but right now your level fucks given was so low that you didn’t see a point in wasting your breath. Why would you, it just made things even worse, most of the time at least.

“Can’t argue with that.” you agreed instead with a nonchalant shrug of your shoulders and saw Levi visibly swallow back the comeback he had prepared to crush you with.

Apparently you were just full of surprises today.

A moment of silence followed, but somehow it wasn’t awkward, it felt…comforting instead, like the emotions and thoughts neither you nor Levi wanted to speak of somehow spread through the air and made the situation friendly and welcoming.

The Captain’s face was no longer stoic, his posture more relaxed and his eyes held less sharpness than usual. He was still Levi, but with a tinge of humanity in him. You, on the other hand, were just smiling like a goof while enjoying the softness of the bed you had been stationed in.

With a sigh Levi sat next to you on the bed with one had supporting him while the other rested on his hip.

“What am I going to do with you?” he hissed, but the usual malice was missing in his voice, you could have almost mistaken his question for a joke.

“Love me.” you snorted and threw yourself back in your pillow, failing to see the stiffness that suddenly struck your Captain and the glint of panic in his eyes.

Sometimes he wished you knew, that you found out and reciprocated. He would become the nicest, kindest man, spoil you to no end and do anything as long as you loved him back.

He’d had so many dreams where you would lay next to him while he held you flush against him and buried his nose in your hair. However, when he woke up he was alone and the warmth of his bed would suddenly feel unpleasant – it just couldn’t compare to you, nothing could. That night you had slept in his bed…he had needed to restrain himself so much just so he wouldn’t crawl next to you and cradle you until dawn.

The wet dreams he didn’t mind, he could deal with them easily, but the ones where you were a family, had a home and children, those were the dreams that fucked him up badly and during the days after these dreams he would do anything to avoid you. He couldn’t look at you, especially while you were around Eren, it was too much to bear, even for him.

Levi knew he wasn’t Eren, he could never be a loud, obnoxious, cocky brat that thought highly of himself. He wasn’t funny, he didn’t tease or crack jokes or smile that often but damn it he knew his feelings for you were true. He had given up on denying that fact some time ago and now only relished in them whenever he saw you smile or laugh, hoping like a foolish love sick pup that he would be able to bring that joyous glint in your eyes at least once.

That smile, it made his stomach flip and his heartbeat quicken, and fuck it all if your happiness lied with someone else, if you were meant to be with someone else…he would be the one to push you forward just so he could see your smile again.

Drinking helped, if you ever married he would come, he would silently cheer for you and then he would pour himself a whiskey, sit back in his office chair and drink while his heart tore apart and his nose became stuffed with the tears that were forming in the back of his eyes but never slipped past his eyelids. He wouldn’t cry as long as you were happy.

“Captain?”

His eyes shot up to you, he hadn’t even realized his gaze had fallen to the floor.

“I ugh….I know this is probably not the best time, but…I wanted to ask you about the necklace.” you swallowed back visibly and ran you hand through your hair, a nervous habit you’ve had for years now, then looked Levi dead in the eyes “Did you put it under my pillow?”

You had expected him to get a little bit fidgety, maybe become embarrassed, but no, what you got instead was a simple scoff.

“Of course I did.” he stated with a pinch of mockery, like you were dumb for asking that question “Do you think I would go through the trouble of buying such an expensive necklace and then risk one of your shady roommates stealing it before you got to your room? You’re lacking a lot of brain to even question that.”

You ignored the last snippy part and proceeded with your ponderings. Maybe his answer wasn’t exactly what you had been expecting and slightly hoping for, but still, at least he was answering and didn’t seem reluctant to continue.

“Well…Why did you buy it?”

“Because I was sick of you and Petra persistently hinting at me to buy her a gift. I’m not blind, Cadet, I knew what you were trying to do and your attempt at nudging me towards Petra sickens me.” he gave you a look of not just disapproval, but disgust and you subconsciously tried to sink back in your pillow the more that stare bore into you “I expected as much from you, but Petra? Pathetic.” he shook his head with a throaty exhale “I’ll have to have a word with her after we’re done with my interrogation. I bought the sapphire necklace because, as I said before, I liked it more. Petra didn’t so I left it in your hands since you seem to have better taste than her…somehow.”

“Oh well, thanks…I guess.” you mumbled, feeling the chain around your neck suddenly lose all of its sentimental value.

Why were you so disappointed anyway? It wasn’t like you had expected your Captain to just confess his feelings towards you, so why were you upset now? Was it because the thought of Levi caring for you as more than a Cadet made you feel above average since the man was practically a woman magnet…oh no wait, that was Erwin. However, Levi hadn’t faltered once whenever a woman had approached him romantically, he was just unbreakable. And when you found the necklace you had thought that after so many proposals he had decided to settle for you and something in you had just cracked open and a flood of warmth and confidence had engulfed you. And all those positive emotions were just shattered, like your wrist.

God, you were a dumbass.

“This is to teach you and Petra a lesson, Cadet.” he spoke and stood up, straightened his jacket and headed for the door “I don’t want to see any more of these childish stunts ever again.”

“Ah! Captain!” you jerked in your bed and reached out for the short man, despite him being too far to get a hold of “Please. Please, just leave Petra out of this. This was all my idea, she was just desperate. She’s innocent. Please…”

Levi turned his head to the side, giving you a brief glance.

“Fine.” he nodded “You broke your wrist because you’re an idiot, but it was me who gave you dish duty so it is partly my fault. Consider this my apology gift. However, –“ he almost growled out “ – one more fiasco like this and I will make the both of you wish you never joined the Survey Corps. Understood?”

“Yes, Captain.”

**~O~**

You couldn’t help the vigorous laugh that seemed to keep coming the farther Reiner walked with you plopped on his shoulders.

“Reinder, I broke my wrist, I can walk, please put me down.”

“Nonsense!” the blonde scoffed and patted your thigh roughly with that famous grin plastered on his face “I’m the reason you broke your wrist so I gotta make it up to you somehow. Besides, you’re as light as a feather.”

“Ugh, no?” you snickered “You’re just a beefcake.”

Bertolt chuckled lightly, his hands in his pockets are he walked beside you and Reiner as you approached the cafeteria. The guy always seemed cheerier when you were around, mostly because his blonde tormentor would get a taste of his own medicine as you had a habit of teasing Reiner every chance you got and boy were they many.

The amount of odd looks you received were numerous as Cadets passed by you three. It didn’t strike you as strange – it wasn’t every day you saw someone getting a shoulder ride. You waved off the stares with ease, after all, you were the one who was getting carried while Reiner acted as your personal mule, if anything he was going to be the one mocked in the end, which would make it and even sweeter deal for you.

It was lunch time and the dining area was packed, which made you grateful you didn’t have to deal with the crowd that was below you, instead you sat proud and glorious atop your meaty blond throne and skimmed over all the different face like a hawk until you spotted your favorite one.

Eren was sitting with Armin, Mikasa and Sasha on a table already digging into his lunch and you snorted when his eyes nonchalantly drifted towards you before he choked on his soup. You waved an energetic hand at him with him still coughing his lungs out and grinned when Sasha whipped her head back and burst out in a fit of laughter when she saw you.

“(Y/N)!” Sasha waved back and you giggled.

“We’ll be right there!”

A tug on your pants made you look down at Reiner who had his eyes glued to the displayed food, looking at it almost seductively.

 _“Big guy, big stomach.”_ you thought and ruffled his already disheveled hair.

“So what’d ya want, Pipsqueak?” he asked while loading a tray for himself.

“I’d like a medium raw beef steak, lobster and a glass of wine please.” you answered with a cheeky smile and heard the blonde snort before he patted your back.

“Potatoes and bread it is!”

Bertolt was kind enough to pick up your tray while you walked to your table as you were worried you’d spill it accidentally on Reiner’s head and the blond need one hand free to support you while you stayed perched up on his shoulders. The food was set down before you were picked up and sat on the table in front of yours and opposite of Eren, who seemed a bit distraught all of a sudden. You noted the way he was looking down at his bowl, not even rising his eyes for a simple greeting while the others looked more than happy to be joined by your trio for lunch.

“What’s with the sour face?” you ask and used your spoon to poke the hand Eren was steering his soup with.

“What face?” he asked, acting dumbfounded before Reiner cut in with a chuckle.

“He’s just jealous you were riding on my shoulders.” he gave Eren a fake sympathetic look and shrugged “Don’t worry Jaeger, I’m not going to steel your girl, she just broke her wrist because of me and I felt obligated, as a gentleman, to help her around a bit.”

“So you had to display her on your shoulders like a trophy?” Eren snapped, something unlike him, and made the rest of the present Cadets on the table turn to him “(Y/N) isn’t one to just be picked up and walked around like a pet, Braun. I know her well enough, she didn’t agree to this.”

“Wow, there, Beefies!” you gestured between them, protectively waving your hands before they practically jumped on each other “Keep your hormones down, I mean, I know I’m gorgeous, but this is too much.” you faced Eren, who was looking anywhere, but you, more specifically glaring at Reiner who was more than happy to reciprocate “Eren…Reiner was just feeling guilty, hell, I’d feel guilty of someone broke their wrist because of me fooling around.” you patted his hand gently, reassuring him the best you could, and saw him glance at you briefly before looking away again “He was being polite, nothing more. You know I’m your wifey!!” you practically yelled out the last part and the table went silent, the small talk Mikasa and Bertolt were having cut short as all attention was on you.

A burst of laughter followed and you smiled sheepishly to yourself, feeling victorious. Problem solved.

“God, there can never be an argument with you around.” Reiner shook his head and petted you hair caringly, a habit he started practicing a lot more recently.

“Right. True that.” Eren agreed, staggering over a chuckle “I’m sorry, Braun. Guess I was a bit sour once I heard (Y/N) had broken her wrist while on duty with you this morning.”

“Trust me, I’m blaming myself too, Titan boy.” Reiner snorted, his hand still ruffling your hair.

“Oh, you guys know?” you asked while trying to swat him away from your already messed up locks.

“Your Captain was practically fuming when he stormed through the training grounds earlier.” Sasha stated before taking a big bite of her boiled potato “I asked him what was wrong and he said, I quote _“the brainless blond oaf injured a Cadet from my Squad”_ and then he gave me stable duty for speaking up.” she grimaced at the last part, remembering what was waiting for her once lunch was over.

Yeah, no one liked cleaning the stables, lucky for you, at least, you hadn’t been assigned to the task for a long time now. But even if you had to deal with horse shit, you really liked playing with the horses so it wasn’t all bad, until Levi caught you one day and said that you could sleep in the stables since you seemed to like the company a lot. Sadly that had quickly turned into an order after a snarky remark from you and you ended up nestling on a pile of whey with one of the horses sprawled next to you. The morning had been full of surprises, though, as you noticed a blanket had been wrapped around you and a plate with food had been laid next to the whey pile.

You never did find out who did that, but suspected Petra or Armin to have been the culprit.

“How is your wrist, (Y/N)?”

You smiled at Armin and raised your hand in display.

“Pretty good, painkillers are still keeping it nice and numb.” you lowered your head with a mischievous look and whispered “They could make a fortune selling those painkillers, trust me, alcohol can’t even compare.”

“You are so odd.” Mikasa stated casually.

“You’re one to talk!” Eren practically stood up from his seat, a hand laid over yours in a protective way. You giggled and shook your head.

“Yeah, you tell her, Titan boy.”

“S-so how is everyone feeling about the new mission?” Bertolt spoke up for the first time during the whole lunch and looked down when a few glances drifted his way. He was so shy, the poor thing, you really needed to work on his confidence someday. Maybe after the mission.

“I’m a bit worried, to be honest.” Sasha mumbled out while munching forcedly on her bun, her appetite suddenly gone.

“Don’t worry, Sasha, I’m sure everything will go fine.” Armin patter her back reassuringly and she tried her best to smile.

“Let’s face it guys, we’re all screwed except for (Y/N) and Jaeger.” Reiner said with a joking note of jealousy in his tone “After all, Captain Levi will be with them the entire expedition.”

“I’m surprised you know how to pronounce expedition.” Mikasa threw in and the blonde’s grin vanished.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Say, (Y/N), won’t you be dispatched because of your wrist now?” Bertolt asked and realization seemed to sink in for everyone on the table, not just you “You can’t go on a mission injured.”

“Now that you mentioned it, Captain did say something like that this morning, but I was too out of it to care.” your hand raised up to pinch the bridge of your nose as you closed your eyes and groaned “Oh God, I’m so stupid…How am I supposed to use my gear when my damn wrist is broken.”

“It might get better, you have a week before we leave.” Eren piped in, but his words had nothing on them and you remained frustrated, more so when Mikasa added her opinion because you knew she was right.

“It won’t heal in a week.”

“She’s right…” you nodded, more to yourself than her “But I suppose I can talk with the Commander….Maybe there’s a less dangerous position I can take. I don’t want to stay behind while you guys go and risk your lives. It’s not fair, I want to go to.”

“Suicidal as always…” Reiner sighed in disappointment and rested his head in his hand.

You only grinned and perked up in your seat.

“You know it, Beefy.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Is that a new necklace, (Y/N), Oh God it’s so pretty!” Sasha exclaimed and clumsily leaned over the table to see the sapphire partly hidden by your jacket.

Oh, were you screwed now. What the hell were you supposed to say again? Did you even think of a lie? Of course not, you had been too busy being high. You had forgotten the damn chain was still around your neck, not to mention with all your shuffling and fussing it had slipped past your shirt and was now hanging proudly for the eyes of the poor to marvel.

In a fit of panic you tried thinking of the best scenario, greatly overthinking your situation, but considering it was Captain Levi who had gotten you the damned thing it was quite normal for you to be spazzing out.

“Ah, ugh….yeah.” you forced out, a blush of anxiety washing over your face and making you look like a furnace “I was….I was with my team at the bazaars and I got it for myself. Decided a little treat wouldn’t hurt.”

“Looks pretty expensive.” Eren chimed in “How much was it?”

“How should I know? It was a gift from me to me, I didn’t ask how much it was, that would be rude.”

“You know…” Eren started, taking his time to choose his next set of words “I take it back, Mikasa’s right, you are so weird sometimes.”

“But you love me.” you grinned and brushed the dust of low self-esteem off your shoulder.

“Of course I do, odd ball.”

His answer made your heart flourish as your pulse picked up and you couldn’t help the happy glow that plastered itself on your face. Maybe there was hope for you after all, even if he hadn’t meant it romantically, a small part could have meant more than just a friendship bond. At least that’s what you kept telling yourself.

“You sure it wasn’t one of your fan boys that got it for ya? Cuz I’m ready to crack a skull or two.” Reiner grumbled, voice deeper than usual and cracked his knuckles.

“Easy, Beast boy, I got it for myself.” you crossed an ex over your heart and saluted “Soldier’s honor!”

You couldn’t risk anyone finding out Levi bought you the necklace, rumors would spread within a blink of an eye and you would be stuck facing the consequences of being accused of having a relationship with your Captain. You doubted the Survey Corps would dare to kick Levi out, he was humanity’s strongest soldier, you, on the other hand, would be thrown out like a potato sack and you doubted anyone would feel any pity for you.

But, in truth, you had nothing with Levi, you didn’t see him as a potential partner, and the rare times you did either he would unknowingly dismiss that thought with one of his snarky remarks, or you would dismiss it yourself, finding it stupid and inappropriate to even think of your superior with lustful intentions.

Levi was a good looking man, with a nice body and sharp eyes that could make the majority of women’s knees weak. And there was nothing wrong with him having a relationship with anyone, but with a fresh recruit that had just joined his team, it wasn’t right, people would assume you were only on his team because you fucked him and that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

You twiddled with the necklace absentmindedly as your thoughts kept going, the small talk of the others drowned out by your concentrated mind. It was only when Sasha moaned out that your eyes lost their distant look and you glanced at the upset girl with a bit of worry. 

“I wish I had the coin to get such a nice necklace.” Sasha pouted, sulking in her seat as Armin patter her shoulder awkwardly.

“Don’t worry, Sasha, we’ll get you one for your birthday.” he said in an attempt to cam her down.

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” you hummed, taking a mental note about the future birthday present you would be buying next time you went to the bazaar.

**~O~**

The gang had dispersed shortly after lunch – each had their daily task of chores or training to do, unlike you, who was free, again, because of your accident. At first you hadn’t minded having days off, it was so nice to have time to yourself and just relax, but days after days of having free time, you were getting bored of having nothing to do. You wouldn’t even mind having to clean the stables as long as it meant keeping yourself busy, but alas, your wrist needed rest and you preferred it healing fast over straining it because of your lack of entertainment around headquarters.

The thought of helping Erwin with paperwork crossed your mind a couple of times and since you needed to speak with him regardless had you leaning towards that option a lot. You would usually help Levi or Hange, but the mad woman’s moldy, damp basement wouldn’t exactly do wonders for your wrist and right now you didn’t think Levi would be very pleased to have you hanging around him after your little fiasco at the bazaar…and your wrist.

So there was one option left – Erwin. You had never helped him with paperwork before, you’d barely interacted with the Commander, but despite your intimidation by his presence you thought maybe it wouldn’t go so bad. He would be delved in his work, you would be delved in whatever papers he gave you, take an occasional coffee or tea break. It sounded more pleasant the longer you thought about it and after some contemplation you decided to go for it. What could go wrong?

Until then you had Petra to keep yourself busy with so you had a little more time to make up your decision.

Coffee time with Petra was always fun, especially when she was excited about something and wouldn’t stop talking about it while you listened intently and sipped on your drink. You honestly preferred this over confronting Erwin about the mission, you knew you had to, but it wouldn’t hurt to procrastinate for a few hours now would it? In all honestly, the Commander made you anxious to no end, sure he was kind and for last few weeks had taken an interest in you because of Hange’s mad experiments involving Eren, but he was still a bit…unapproachable. And it wasn’t a surprise that you felt your stomach knot whenever he was around, he was the top dog, you didn’t want to embarrass yourself or somehow disrespect the man.

You set your cup down as soon as you registered the odd look on Petra’s face and cocked your head in curiosity.

“What?”

“When did you get that necklace?” she asked, a hint of mistrust and hesitation in her voice and you immediately knew what she was trying to find out.

“I stayed back with Eren and the rest that Wednesday, remember?” you laughed, trying to dismiss the tension that felt like it was rising the temperature in the cafeteria “I was so drunk I went back and bought it. Armin told me I was cussing about there being no real men or something. Apparently it had been quite interesting to watch me while drunk.”

“Oh…” she sighed, almost sounding relieved, and giggled “Well, can’t argue with that. There are certainly no gentlemen left in this petty world of ours.”

“I know, right? That’s why I decided to be my own man and bought myself a gift.” you exclaimed and raised your mug up in a toast “To us independent ladies!”

“To us!” the small brunette laughed lightly and clinked her mug with yours.

You really needed to stop wearing the stupid sapphire, it had no value to you whatsoever, Levi had made it sure of that, and it only brought you trouble, which you had elegantly avoided all day, but it was still stressful to have lie about it every time somebody asked. It was an expensive piece, it easily caught the eye of anyone who looked your way and the chain was too short for you hide it under your uniform, it would just pop out whenever you made any sort of movement.

You’d put it away tonight after your talk with Erwin and be done with it – it just meant too little for the trouble it caused.

“So…anything happened between you and Captain today?” you ask timidly, hoping that Levi had kept his promise and left the poor girl out of the lecture he gave you this morning. She didn’t deserve to have to suffer like you, she was just in love and wanted her man of interest to return her feelings. You, though, you were just a stupid girl playing matchmaker and poking your nose where you shouldn’t, you deserved the pep talk, even if you hadn’t liked it.

“No.” she shook her head with a long, haggard exhale and looked up from her coffee to you “I think I’ll just try to move on. Levi is…He just doesn’t seem to be interested. At all. Maybe he’s not interested in having a relationship with anyone.” her words sounded greatly like self-reassurance and you couldn’t help the sympathetic smile that softened your features “Maybe I’m not his type…It doesn’t matter. After the mission is over I’ll try to find someone else.”

“Maybe he’s gay.” you snorted loudly “You know, him and Erwin are pretty close…”

“(Y/N)!!!” Petra covered her mouth, hiding a large grin from you and a blush formed on her cheeks as she fought hard to suppress a laugh “Don’t talk like that about the Commander.”

“I’m just saying….Looks too fishy to me.”

“Oh no, now I’m imagining it.” the brunette shuddered and rubbed her temples “Why did you have to do this.”

“You know, I kinda ship them. They’d make a great couple.” you stated thoughtfully “Who do you think would be – “

“ – For the love of God, stop!”

You just grinned behind your mug and winked.

“I bet Levi is into being dominated…”

“(Y/N)!!!”

**~O~**

With a light, encouraging puff of breath you timidly knocked on the dark, sturdy door and waited for an answer while anxiously straightening out your uniform.

“Name and business.”

Oh fuck that voice had you feeling like sinking to your knees in submission. Did this man actually know how dominating he was and just acted innocent? Or was he truly clueless? Just the sound of his voice in the distance made Cadets scurry around and try to look busy before he passed by while glancing over his surroundings. The role of Commander fit him so perfectly it baffled you sometimes.

“Cadet (F/N) (L/N) of the Special Operations Squad. I’ve come to discuss the upcoming mission, Commander Erwin Smith, Sir.”

Jeez, when had been the last time you had actually acted this formal? Never, the answer was never. But it wasn’t every day you came to your Commander’s office for a chat.

“Enter.”

You turned the knob, noting how sweaty your palms were with a bit of disgust and let yourself in the neat office, saluting being the first thing you did after closing the door behind you.

“Sit, (Y/N). No need to be so formal.” Erwin chuckled and gestured for you to proceed to a seat facing him before his eyes lowered, skimming over a paper he held in his hand before he wrote something down and set it away “What can I help you with?”

“Sir…I came to, uhm….” you fiddled with belts on your pants, your head lowered to let your hair fall over your face.

Well this was certainly harder than you had imagined, and to think you had actually rehearsed before coming here, what a waste it had been. Your usual wave of confides flew at the cracked open window and you were just an anxious mess of a Cadet trying her best to not embarrass herself in front of the most influential figure in the Survey Corps.

You heard the man breathe out and looked up with uncertainly, expecting him to have no patience for your childishness, but instead he was reaching out for a clean cup on the metal tray that sat next to his pen ink and fill it with steaming hot tea that smelled all to alluring to pass up on.

“If I remember correctly, (Y/N), you and I have had multiple conversations beforehand and you have never showed signs of discomfort by my presence.” he chuckled again it warmed your chest at how delicately he was stitching his words just so he wouldn’t make you even more timid about your situation “Well, maybe except that meeting we had with Hange and Levi. I must say it was quite entertaining.”

“For you maybe, Sir.” you spoke softly and accepted the tea cup he handed you “But I was dragged right in between those two.”

“True.” the Commander lifted his tea to his lips to hide the amused smile that cracked his usually stoic face “I’m very sorry for letting them involve you the way they did.”

“It’s fine.” you sighed “I’m actually used to them butting heads.”

“I have no doubt.” he shuffled a stack of papers in his hands before tucking them away in his desk drawer to free at least a part of his desk for your conversation “Tell me, (Y/N), do I intimidate you? Am I really that scary?”

His voice held a tinge of surprise and cheekiness and you just had to smile at that. You set your cup down after a drawn out sip and laced your fingers together in your lap.

 _“Oh you sure as hell do and you know it.”_ you thought, but refrained from giving him such an answer, it’s what he wanted to hear, he  knew, but you just weren’t the type to give in and let him or anyone else have what they wanted.

“No, Sir. I don’t think you’re scary and I don’t find you intimidating.” you answered, reasoning with yourself that it was just a small white lie that wouldn’t hurt anyone “I don’t know what came over me, honestly I love to talk with you. Our conversations are very pleasant. I suppose it’s because of my day. I’ve had it a bit rough today.”

“I’m sad to hear about your day.” he nodded “Has anything bad happened in particular?”

“Well, for starters, I broke my wrist while on washing duty.” you exhaled loudly, rubbing your temples while resting back in your chair “My captain wasn’t too happy about it.”

“Oh? Levi? Not happy? I’ve never heard of such a preposterous thing.” Erwin almost sounded sincere, earning a knowing giggle from you, then he extended his hand towards you “May I see?”

“I…” you stuttered over your words, your hand already making its way to his “Ugh, sure.”

Therapy. Talking with Erwin was like therapy, now you understood why you liked it so much despite his overwhelming character. You couldn’t even talk to Petra the way you could to him, he just…felt so right to talk to – like an adult you could always count on whenever you needed it and so far he hasn’t disappointed. He was just so welcoming when you got settled down for a talk and seemed to care so much about his Cadets and you didn’t doubt that every casualty struck him hard despite him not showing it. How could he? He was the Commander of this damn organization.

The pain was there, the painkillers had worn off a while ago and you admitted it hurt like a bitch, but the way he held your wrist with such tenderness, it just melted you away. His thumb rubbed over the bandages so delicately, trying his best not to cause you pain while he eyed the injury with pity. Oiiii, this man was to die for. Heavens help whoever was his love interest because that woman was going to go through a hell of a ride with this blue-eyed charmer. Or man…he could be gay.

_“Oh for fuck’s sake, (Y/N), what the hell are these thoughts?!?!”_

“Playfulness can go a long way, I suppose.” he spoke lowly and you shivered when his breath hit the skin of your hand.

“It sure can.” you agreed and retracted your arms once he let go.

“(Y/N), I know why you came to me and I apologize, but I am not risking your safety for the sake of the mission.” his words pushed down what hope you had built up about the situation and the more he spoke the more your chance of going lessened “You’re injured. Your wrist will cause difficulties when you use your maneuver gear. Both your Captain and I decided it would be best for you to stay behind this once. If the mission is bound to fail your presence will not make a difference.”

“But Commander, soldiers with skills a lot lower than mine are going to attend.” you protested, thinking of what best comebacks would counter his statements and maybe even alter his decision “Why can’t I? My wrist won’t get in the way if I’m just on a horse. I won’t use my gear.”

“And what will you do if a titan chases after you?”

“I won’t be alone. The plan has us separated into groups. I’ll have people to support me. Even if I’m not with my Squad I’m sure I’ll handle it.” you were doing your best, but Erwin’s expression was making it clear despite your effort. He wasn’t budging. But you were too stubborn to fall back.

“The decision has been made and it is of best interest for you.” he answered simply, sipping on what remained in his cup “I am not changing my mind.”

“But Erwin…”

That was your last resort, his name. It was only due to common manners that you referred to him by his title, but when you used his first name, it made things more….human. Somehow he would turn into just a man you knew and looked up to instead of your boss and that knowledge alone brought you a bit of desperate belief that it wasn’t completely sure that he wouldn’t change his mind.

“Oh no.” Erwin shook his head with a chuckle “You are not breaking me with that. Using my first name will get you nowhere, (Y/N).”

“Well, damn it.” you sulked in your chair, arms crossed childishly in front of your chest as your eyes concentrated on thinking of some other way to break him.

“I know you worry about your Squad and your friends, but in your condition, you will only pull them back and heighten the chances of casualties and I know you don’t want that.”

“What if I lose them…?” it had merely slipped past your lips, a thought that had been accidentally voiced.

“Levi is a responsible leader, he will look after your Squad. As for the others….they seem to have a habit of surviving no matter what. I wouldn’t be too worried.”

Contemplation was the only thing you could do now, that and worry about everyone. You were selfish for wanting everyone to come back, it was unrealistic, there would be victims, many, you’d be lucky if you saw at least some of your friends come back alive.

“I really hope you’re right, Erwin.”

**~O~**

Paperwork wasn’t so bad, luckily you were a right hand writer and you had broken your left wrist so it was easy helping the Commander around and it was better than doing nothing. Erwin was more than pleased to have you assist him and you did your best impress the man, scrolling through the papers, writing here and there, handing him the ones he needed to sign with a brief summary of the document’s contents, it was all good. It was peaceful, serene, there was a comfortable silence lingering in the now dark office, it was actually making you feel drowsy, but you pushed the thought of sleep aside. You would sleep, you just needed to be done with this last stack of paperwork and you were almost at the end anyway.

A satisfying symphony of cracks emitted from your fingers when you flexed them to ease their stiffness before a yawn crawled its way up your throat. You stretched your arms and back and ran a hand through your hair, racking your nails over your scalp to ease the small headache you had acquired a while back.

Erwin gave you a look, meaning it to be just a glance, but the more he watched you the less he wanted to look away. Instead he set his papers down and leaned back in his chair.

“You can retire if you’re tired. I can finish on my own.” he suggested, but you shook your head and instead stood up to pick the tray with the tea pot and cups and settled a candle to the side to guide you through the dark hallways.

“It’s okay. I just need to move a little bit. I’ll go make some more tea.” you turned to the door, walking rather stiffly, but you managed. Your legs had fallen asleep at one point, but you had been too indulged in your work to notice, it was only when you stood up that the unpleasant prickling sensation notified you just how long you had been sitting in Erwin’s office.

“I’ll be back soon.” you said and smirked sheepishly “Don’t run away now, ok?”

“I’m more concerned you’ll be the one running away, Cadet.” Erwin laughed lightly, his smile hidden behind his documents.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Commander Erwin Smith, Sir.” you saluted and exited the room.

How much time had you spent helping the Commander? It was pitch black outside and there wasn’t a peep in the halls – everyone was asleep. Why Erwin hadn’t sent you off to bed when curfew came was a mystery, but you weren’t complaining, you hadn’t been tired when supper passed, hadn’t been hungry either, but the blond man had insisted you eat something so you did. You got your food, ate quickly while on foot as you needed to deliver papers to various Squad Captains and then returned to his office to continue diving through a sea of documents.

Maybe he just enjoyed having some company for a change instead of working alone all day in a silent lonely office while his soldiers goofed around instead of doing their chores. You should know, you were one of those soldiers.

The night had been good, you had felt good, you’d done all this work, helping ease your Commander as he had too much on his hands for a single man to take. You had felt complete in a way, you hadn’t been a bump in the road for once.

That was until you saw someone shivering on the kitchen floor, the light of your candle illuminating them as soon as you had pushed the door open.

“Oh my God!” you gasped and thrusted the tray on the counter, almost causing the candle to tip over and rushed to help whoever had fallen flat on their face. They smelled of alcohol, which explained the almost empty wine bottle chucked in the corner of the kitchen. Why were they here, in the kitchen, with no light, in the middle of the night, drinking?

“Hey? Hey! Are you alight?” you shook them gently before turning them around and your breath hitched in utter confusion “Petra?” you lifted her lifeless head up, slapping her cheek softly to try and wake her up “Petra! What the hell is all this?!”

She was unconscious, no wonder, she was practically a midget that drank a whole wine bottle.

You laid her head on a flower sack before standing to soak a kitchen cloth and poured a glass of water before you set it next to her and started to rub the cloth over her face. She was burning up.

“Petra, come on, wake up! You stupid thing, how could you drink a whole bottle of wine!” it was more of a statement than a question but the brunette didn’t seem to mind since she was lacking a mind right now.

You dipped your fingers in the glass and sprinkled water over her face and after a while worrying your ass off and wondering whether to get Erwin or not, she started steering.

“Oh thank Lord.” you sighed, relieved, and changed from kneeling to sitting down next to her as you cooed down at her “Hey stupid, are you okay?”

Petra wasn’t naïve, nor stupid, she was always so…perfect. She did everything she was asked of, did all her chores, her paperwork, her training, never slept in, never went out after curfew, basically never went out. She was a soldier to look at for a role model so what was all this then? She wasn’t one to drink, she never drank alcohol even when your Squad went out to a tavern to relax a bit after a hard mission. This wasn’t like her, the only thing you could think of that could cause her so much damage was Levi.

“Petra? Can you hear me, sweet thing? Did Levi do this?” you kept rubbing her face, hoping she would come to her senses faster with the coolness of the cloth “Love, what happened?”

You smiled pitifully when her eyes finally opened. Confusion was written all over her red face and you pulled away to give her some space.

Then the tears came.

“Hey, there.” you whispered and reached out to wipe the tears away when she sat up with visible difficulty, but she slapped your hand away sloppily and gave you most hateful glare you had ever seen her muster.

“Don’t touch me.” she hissed and tried standing up, but failed.

“Wow there. Take it easy.” you tried to help her up but she shrugged your hands away.

“I said don’t touch me!”

“Petra, you’re drunk. Can you fucking let me help you up so I can take you to your room?” you scoffed, a tad bit irritated at her behavior.

“You want to know why I’m drunk?” she hiccupped through her tears, reaching out for the wine bottle to finish up what little alcohol was left inside, pulling it to her chest when you tried to pry it out of her grasp “Because you’re a lying back stabber, that’s why!”

“What the hell are you talking about, stupid?” you hissed and finally succeeded in taking the bottle away from her, replacing it with a fresh glass of water to which she whimpered.

“Give it back!”

“Sure I will.” you smirked and set the wine on the counter before sitting down next to her “Now what are you on about?”

“How could you…lie to me?” she stammered, streams of tears running down her soft features and making her look grotesque in the dim candle light “Why did you lie to me?”

“Petra you’re not making any sense here, girl.”

“The necklace, (Y/N), don’t play dumb.” she mumbled, too weak to really express how furious and broken she was.

You swallowed hard at her words. Your hands suddenly started shaking and your calm composure vanished and was replaced by panic, panic which you couldn’t cope with well enough to think of a good enough answer to calm her down.

“He bought you that necklace….He bought you a necklace.” she wasn’t talking to you, more like stating her jumbled thoughts. The images in her head of the man she loved and her closest friend….How was she supposed to cope with it? How when ever since joining the Survey Corps she had always kept an eye on Levi and you had been her only support, the only person that had tried to help her and had been there for her in her most vulnerable moments. And here you were…the necklace of betrayal dangling proudly on your neck like some expression of love.

“How could you do this to me….?” she cried out, her hands dropping the glass in her lap, letting it spill as her hands went up to hide her face from the world “I thought you cared. How could you do this to me! You know I love him!”

“Petra….I’m so sorry….” you chocked out, at a loss for words at the sight before you, of Petra, your fucking friend, dying inside while trying to drink the pain away because you were an idiotic know-it-all who tried to fix everyone’s problems “Petra, look at me, please….”

“No….” she whimpered “Do you love him? Does he love you? Do I kill myself? What do I do, (Y/N)!!! What did you do to me!?!?”

“Petra, no!” you grabbed her shoulders in desperation, trying to see her face through her hands “I don’t fucking love him! He doesn’t love me! He got the necklace to teach us a lesson, Petra, please. I didn’t do anything….I would never hurt you…”

“But you did. You destroyed me, (Y/N).” she whispered, shaking her head as if she couldn’t believe it either “You ripped me apart. You did this. Look at me!”

“I…” you couldn’t say anything, there was nothing to say, she wouldn’t listen either way.

“Why am I alive, (Y/N)?” Petra asked before a hiccup shook her body unnaturally and you only gripped her harder “On the mission I will die…I will die and not care anymore.”

“Don’t fucking talk like that! Please….” you grasped her hands, cupping yours around hers and bringing them to your face where your own tears started piling up “You won’t die….Please don’t do this to me…”

“Levi will look after you.” she choked out a bitter laugh “At least, I won’t be a problem between you anymore.”

“Bullshit!”

“I should have known…” she choked through her tears “I mean…You’re so much better than me, you know? You’re not some shy antisocial girl.” her words were filled with hate, specifically towards herself.

You were….so perfect. You were always the center of attention, you had more friends than you could count, you got along with everyone, you were so skilled with your maneuver gear now, you were smart, you always made the people around you laugh. You were understanding, always cared for those close to you, you had the damn Commander and Levi wrapped around your finger like it was nothing. You were so pretty too…so pretty…And what was she? Nothing…

She was nothing. She was no one, just some part of Levi’s Squad that no one cared about, with no friends except her team, she didn’t catch anyone’s attention. Not like you.

She pulled herself away from you, rolled the glass off her lap and stood up slowly.

“Please, (Y/N), from now on….please stay away from me.”

“Petra, please…” you begged silently and stood up after her “You can’t walk s – “

“ – Don’t….just don’t…please.” she croaked, holding onto the side of the door for balance before leaving.

You listened to her stumbling footsteps and occasional sobs until they faded, frozen in your place, the tea you had been planning on making slipping from your mind. You slowly sunk to the floor, knees up to your chest as a hand was cupped over your mouth in an attempt to stop your lips from trembling. Your eyes were wide, staring into nothingness as Petra’s words repeated in your head like a broken record, a new set of tears formed in your eyes and started gliding down your cheeks.

What now…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, this one is long. Have fun reading because I had a blast writing it. If you have any questions leave them below and I will answer all of them as soon as I can. Also excuse any mistakes made, I edited the chapter the best I could, but some small errors could have slipped past my eyes.  
> Also I'm wondering....should I add some official romance between Levi and Reader when the time comes since right now no one has admitted anything yet. I love Levi, but I'm not sure if it won't be too much.


	7. Tea, gin and coffee

Making tea was an activity that was supposed to relax an individual – the steaming water, the lingering aroma of herbs, the soft bubbling tune coming from the boiling tincture inside the kettle. Truly it brought peace upon a person, but no matter how hard you had tried to concentrate on the calmness of the moment your heart was still racing, it was still hard to swallow and your breaths were nothing but shaky, shallow intakes. Your hands had been a trembling mess when you had ventured back into Erwin’s office, which only sharpened the concerned expression on his haggard face when he saw you walk in.

With finding Petra drinking away her misery in the kitchen and preparing the tea in the broken down state you were in, it had taken you more than an hour to return with the refreshing drink. Erwin would have brushed it off, you were sure, but the hollow look that had set a grave shadow on your features announced that there was a problem even before you had spoken a word.

Crystal blues followed you with a hawk gaze while you set the tray on the desk and sat yourself, facing Erwin, but avoided eye contact at all costs, you had already shared a look when you had first walked in and the man had probably deciphered at least half of the reason why your mood had twisted so drastically.

And to think tonight was going so well…

“I assume the tea leaves were not very cooperative tonight.”

You chuckled at that and with a small spec of courage poured the both of you a cup of the steaming liquid before setting one in front of the Commander and then cradling the other in your hands while you leaned back into your chair.

“They sure weren’t.” you spurred, lips ghosting over the tea cup to test vaguely if it had cooled off enough for consumption.

“Did you bump into Levi?” Erwin asked before raising his cup, his eyes never leaving your face in search of something you couldn’t put your finger on. Or maybe you just had no intention to figure out what he was trying to find, it wasn’t like the events were written on your features, but you were in a state of mourning and you were sure that much he had already figured out.

“No.” you answered simply, then a question struck you and you asked before realizing it “Am I a bad person?”

Erwin heaved a sigh and you could tell he barely suppressed to roll his eyes. Instead of answering he stood up and motioned for you to follow him with a flick of his hand before making his way to the black sofa stationed just a few feet away from his desk.

You set your cup down, apparently tea wouldn’t do since the Commander pulled out a half empty bottle of alcohol from the oak drawer next to the sofa and sat himself down heavily while eyeing the label on the bottle.

“It’s been a while since I took out this old friend.” He spoke softly, the smallest of smiles on his face, then looked up at you “It always helped me ease a nagging worry in the back of my head until I was ready to address it. Maybe it will help you calm down and tell me what happened.”

“Gin?” you snorted after getting a glimpse of the label on the bottle and sat down next to the Commander, fingers intertwined as your elbows rested on your knees “I’m not a drinker, Sir, and I don’t think it will help me much.”

“I’m not either, but a cup of tea won’t cut it every time you need to solve a personal problem.” Erwin mumbled, concentrated on pouring the gin in two small crystal glasses “And that is exactly what you’re dealing with right now, is it not?”

“It wasn’t even my problem in the beginning.” you exhaled, accepting your failure as Petra’s distorted face swam to the surface of your mind “I just got tangled up in it somehow and now…Now I don’t know if it is a personal problem or not.”

You cringed, nose wrinkling up as you forced yourself to swallow the unpleasant liquid and then cleared your throat, suppressing a cough that lingered in your lungs when the burning sensation started travelling down your chest.

You weren’t a fan of alcohol, but right now it was just…not right to pass it. The dim lighting coming from the candles that illuminated the room in just the right shades, the comfortable couch, the soft ticking of the clock hanging above the door, the words slipping past your Commander’s lips that just seemed to be drowned in honey. And the fact that the moment made Erwin so much more human, you just couldn’t pass not having a drink with him, even more so with knowing that he was doing it in an attempt to comfort you while you battled with your newly born demons.

“I…Petra, you know her, right?” you asked before continuing your sentence and received a curt nod “I think it’s clear to everyone how much she adores my Captain. I think even he knows it.”

“True, she’s rather unskilled in hiding it.” Erwin chuckled while swirling the gin in his glass and leaning back in the softness of the couch and stretching his legs with an almost undetectable groan “I find it quite amusing.”

“Yeah, I did too.” you smiled bitterly, eyes distant as you stared into the numerous shapes embroidered in the carpet “But then I decided to try and help her, bring them closer, you know, give her a chance to win him so she can be happy.” you lifted your glass, taking a sip and then inhaling the sharp aroma with lidded eyes “And it backfired, big time.”

It was funny how quickly your mood changed, funny how you denied drinking, but as soon as the glass was laid in your hand you delved into it like an addict. You couldn’t help it, you weren’t a fan of drinking, but weakness had struck you, weakness and pain, and you just couldn’t find the strength within you to deal with them, not at the moment, at least. And Erwin’s smile was so welcoming, his voice so alluring and his eyes just pierced through you, saw everything, unfolded you like a book and read everything with interest. He listened to you. When had been the last time you actually took the time to deal with your own problems? You had stopped perusing Eren completely, all your problems, desires, everything had been pushed aside because of your duties or the pleading for help coming from a friend in need.

Would it hurt to be selfish for one night? You doubted it and even if it was you honestly didn’t give a fuck at the moment.

“My Captain…he bought me a necklace.” you hissed after another sip and licked your lips to sooth the burning that was coursing through them “But it was to teach us a damn lesson, it wasn’t a romantic gift, it wasn’t love or anything. He wanted to make a point about me and Petra being idiots. He was sick of us trying to force him into courting Petra.” you tugged the chain from underneath your shirt and looped it over your head before displaying it to Erwin, who took it between his fingers, inspecting it with an unreadable expression “We hinted at him to buy her a necklace if he was interested in her.”

“And he bought one for you instead.” the Commander finished your story while twirling the necklace between his thumb and forefinger “I’ve known Levi for a long time, (Y/N), and he’s never done such a thing before. He’s had women trying to get his attention before, but he’s never even glanced their way – “

“ – Please stop.” you cut him off, glancing up at him with pleading, watery from alcohol eyes “He doesn’t feel anything for me. He’s my Captain, it’s not right.”

“And why is it right for Petra, but not you?”

Your face sharpened in a glare, but instead of making eye contact you kept peering inside your glass and flicked your tongue, displeased.

“Petra has been in the Squad for God knows how long, I was recruited recently. I’m the fucking freshman in the Special Operations Squad! If people learned that Levi has any sort of romantic interest in me they would think he chose me to be in his team because of that and not my skills.” you hiccupped, watching as your glass was refilled by a calloused hand “I can’t have that.” you glanced at your Commander with a shattered look “It would ruin both of us. He’s my Captain, that’s it.”

“And I am your Commander.” Erwin stated, the corners of his lips twitching upright “But you still never pass the chance to flirt with me. Your act of innocence can’t fool me, Cadet, I’ve already figured out your character. You flirt with me, but with such softness that it’s barely detectable.” the man took a swig of his drink, his satisfied look almost making the blush on your face disperse in annoyance “Now prove to me that you are not a hypocrite. As your Commander I can place you in any squad I wish and the fact that you’re openly flirting with me could imply that you were not rightfully placed on Levi’s Squad, but instead persuaded me into stationing you there with your charming and seductive character.”

“I…wow…” you bit your lip, completely dumbfounded, speechless. Now you were certain he could read you like an open book and he wasn’t afraid of stating the truth most people would keep to themselves for the sake of politeness and appropriateness. You knew that you had a tinge of spice to your character and liked acting upon it if the person in front of you reciprocated, but for someone to be so blunt about it surprised you and by Erwin’s smirk you were sure it was evident on your face. You giggled and shook your head, light dizziness overwhelming you from the sharp movement combined with the few glasses of gin you had gobbled down “Weren’t you supposed to be comforting me?”

“I’m trying to make you see that there is nothing wrong with having a relationship with your Captain as long as it doesn’t interfere with your duties.” Erwin chuckled and you felt yourself soften at the gentle sound. Way to accuse someone of flirting, this man was a seduction machine, but he was right, you were being a hypocrite, but you hadn’t really realized it until he flat out spat it in your face.

“Thank you for the effort, but I’m afraid I don’t have feelings for Levi.” you spoke after finishing your drink and reaching out towards the blond man so he could refill it once again “I mean, he’s a good looking man, but…”

“But he’s a bit of a stone wall.” Erwin smiled and patted your shoulder mockingly “You’re not the first to complain to me about him, (Y/N). There have been many cases where Cadets have been sent to my office because they’ve tried advancing over him and it’s the same story every time – someone tried to reach out to him, he denies and sends them to my office for a pep talk.”

“Really?” you ask, eyebrows raised in disbelief, before a dry laugh made its way up your throat “God, that must be so embarrassing.”

“For the Cadets maybe.” Erwin quirked “But for me it’s rather entertaining.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” you snicker before mockingly poking his side, the alcohol making you a bit too daring for your own good “What about you? I’m sure the handsome stoic Commander of the Survey Corpse gets a lot of attention from the ladies.”

“Uff, you have no idea.” Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose “The worst are the love letters since no one ever writes their name and I’m stuck reading pornography by unknown authors.”

You laughed full heartedly at that, almost spilling your drink until a hand wrapped around yours, steading your giggling form. A blush crept upon your cheeks, but whether it was from the alcohol or the thinning gap between you and your Commander you weren’t sure.

“Well I wouldn’t know, I’m just a twat. I’ve yet to have a fan club established.”

“I’m sure you have some fans lurking about.” Erwin snorted, then pinched your chin between his fingers and turned your eyes to face his “And you are not a twat.” the serious expression he had been able to muster for a second quickly dispersed as a genuine smile crossed his usually solemn features “I see a strong young woman with great potential, nothing more, nothing less.”

You blinked, staying silent as you memorized his face without realizing. You had never noticed how long his lashes were or how his eyes deepened into the darkest shades of blue the closer they were to his pupils. His lips looked so soft you almost felt embarrassed of your own. Why did this man have better facial features than you? How was that fair?

“So…you forgot to say I’m beautiful or did I miss that word during your praising?”

“I thought you didn’t want to be a hypocrite.” Erwin raised a brow at you and smirked mockingly and you snorted in response before rolling your eyes.

“Didn’t you say the alcohol was supposed to help me calm down and relax?”

“Yes, Cadet, you are beautiful.” the blond took a sip of his drink “Way to beg for compliments, young lady.”

“You don’t like me begging, Mr Commander? What a surprise, you always looked the type to be dominating.” you smiled cheekily, feeling the hand that held your chin slip to cup your cheek before a large thumb began drawing circles on your skin.

“(Y/N)…You’re not sober.” he stated, watching you through heavy eyelids as you nuzzled in his hand, your head was too heavy to keep up straight anymore “ I will not advance on you while you’re drunk, but you’re trying to step over a dangerous line without any real intention.”

“Aw, darn it!” you snap your fingers, pulling away from him with a fake frown on your face “Denial again.”

You hiccupped when two arms wrapped around you and dragged you until your head was resting on a broad shoulder. You shuffled sloppily, hands kneading Erwin’s uniform as you got comfortable in his lap, grinning sickeningly when he stiffened from your movement above his crotch. You hummed softly, heavy eyelids falling over your eyes as you held a hand over the man’s chest, the other wrapping itself around his torso.

His hands were locked around you, fingers knotted together. If it weren’t for the snarky comeback that was swirling in your head you would have fallen asleep then and there.

“I think you’re making the advances now, Erwin.”

You felt him shiver when his name rolled off your tongue and with a knowing smirk you shifted again so you could face him.

“Hush now.” he whispered simply then closed his eyes and laid his forehead on yours, his arms wrapping tighter around you in a desperate way of telling you that you could go, but he needed you to stay “It’s been so long since I held someone like this.”

“I like it.” you murmured and gently started rubbing your nose against his, smiling when he reciprocated “You make me feel safe. You make me forget.”

“As do you.” he replied with a comfortable sigh.

Your skin covered in goose bumps when his hands ran up your hips and nestled on your waist. Your nails dug gently in the back of his neck and you felt him quiver beneath you as a silent whimper slipped past his teeth.

“Erwin…” you beckoned, voice pleading and he knew he would need all his self-restrain to refuse your desire “Kiss me…”

“I – “

“ – Kiss me.” you pleaded softly and glazed your lips over his, feeling his neck bend forward as he tried to follow your teasing movement.

“No, (Y/N).” he swallowed hard and pulled away from your intoxicating seduction, flexing his shoulders lightly before running a hand over his face to clear the haziness that had bestowed itself upon his thoughts “We’re drunk. I can’t do this to you and risk you regretting it when you sober up.”

“But Erwin!” you protested with a whine, but he shushed you and readjusted you so your head was lying on his chest.

“One day, when you aren’t drunk and still want me, I’ll kiss you as many times as you wish.” he cooed at you, a drop of cheekiness in his voice.

“Do you make promises like that to your fan girls?” you giggled, nuzzling into him and soaking in his scent of cologne, ink and gin.

“No.” he answered while running lazy circles on your back “I believe you are the first.”

“Oh I feel so special now.” you slurred over alcohol and exhaustion, unnoticeably slipping into unconsciousness before you could feel the tender kiss that was laid on the top of your head.

**~O~**

Waking up with a hangover is no joke. The first thing your hazy mind was able to process was the numb pounding in your head and the fact that your body felt like it had been stepped on by a titan. You sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from your eyes and with one hand massaging your scalp in an attempt to ease the hangover you clearly had from your alcoholic adventures last night.

It was early in the morning, the sun was still just peeking from the horizon, but its rays were strong enough to make you squint your eyes and look away from the light. This was not helping your headache.

The gin from the previous night sat proudly on the small cupboard next to you and you couldn’t help but cringe at the memory of the repulsive taste and the fact that you drank so much of it. You leaned back into the sofa, your head resting against the backrest as you retained bits and pieces of hazy memories of yours and Erwin’s drunken activities with a tint of pink on your cheeks.

Did last night actually happen? For real? Or had you just fallen asleep and dreamt it all? But you could remember his touch so vividly, it couldn’t have been your imagination. How were you supposed to look him in the eyes now? Dear God the man probably thought you were out of your mind to sit in his lap and try to kiss him. He was your fucking Commander!

“Good morning, (Y/N).”

That familiar voice had you jolting your head up a bit too fast as you had to clutch it with a hand from the sharp pain that zapped through it. You scrunched your nose and squinted your eyes again, but nodded at the Commander curtly. Somehow you couldn’t speak, not with the lump of embarrassment that wallowed in your throat, hell, you couldn’t even look his way.

“I thought you might need this. A hot coffee always helps me after a rough night, hopefully it does the same for you.” Erwin chuckled knowingly, after skimming over your pitiful state and handed you a mug with steaming coffee before settling on his desk.

“Thanks.” you nodded from behind the mug and took a long sip before closing your eyes and inhaling the pleasant aroma.

“How is your wrist?” Erwin asked while reading over a piece of paper, pen in hand and ready to sign it. He didn’t even look at you and thank the heavens for that, eye contact was something you did not need at the moment.

“Oh…” you glanced at your bandaged wrist dumbly “Honestly my whole body is aching.” you laughed “I kinda forgot about it.”

Right…you broke your wrist yesterday. That’s why you had ended up here in the first place, but in all fairness your head was hurting a lot more so you had completely ignored the irritating pulsing coming from your hand and you hadn’t noticed the bandages since your jacket was doing an amazing job at covering them.

Erwin gave you a sympathetic smile and as soon as you saw him turn to you your eyes darted to a very interesting bubble in your coffee.

“Was this your first time getting drunk, Cadet?”

“Hell no.” you snorted and rolled your eyes “But it was my first time trying to sleep with someone while drunk. I usually…I’m not this brave, even while drunk. I just laugh a lot and pass out in the end.” you took in a deep breath and with all the courage you were able to muster you continued “Commander Smith…about last night…”

You had to apologize, it was wrong what you tried to do and your drunken state was no excuse for your actions. You didn’t want to seem like just another Cadet desperately in love with your superior, you wanted to retain his respect somehow because you were sure he had lost all of it after you tried to bed him. It was awful, embarrassing, the memories made you want to scoff at yourself and you were hoping that with an apology and some hard work you could regain your status in his eyes...maybe.

“I’m truly sorry.”

“Save your apology, Cadet.” Erwin simply chuckled, directing a sincere smile your way “It was I who proposed we drink, I was prepared for the outcome and in your defense I engaged as much as you did even though I was a lot sober than you were. I am just as guilty as you.”

“Yes, but…I hadn’t planned it I promise.” you stumbled over your words while tracing a finger over the rim of your mug “I don’t try to advance over my superiors, I would never, I mean…Not that you aren’t attractive, but it’s not – “

“ – (Y/N), calm down. I know it wasn’t your intention.” the blonde reassured you “We will keep this between us.”  

“I…thank you.” you nodded, finally allowing yourself to look at him “Ugh, all this aside I really did enjoy last night. It was…nice being so close to you. Thanks for trusting me, I guess.”

You saw his pen still before he looked at you with an expression you couldn’t read, but you did pick up on the hint of mistrust in his voice.

“Did you really?”

“Yes, of course.” you nodded, honesty written all over you, before stiffening a giggle “Why wouldn’t I? You’re a very attractive man, Commander.” you blinked in surprise at your own words before waving a hand protective in front of you and laughing nervously “I’m not trying to flirt, I’m sorry for that.”

A moment of silence passed by, it was brief, but long enough to make you start sweating in anticipation. You slumped in your spot on the couch and set you mug next to the gin on the nightstand before cupping your hands together and lowering your gaze. Why the hell couldn’t you keep your damn mouth shut?

 _“For fuck’s sake, you twat, why can’t you keep your tongue behind your teeth at least once?”_ you scolded yourself mentally and swallowed back a shaky sigh.

“(Y/N), come here.”

You looked up, focusing on the hand that was extended your way and after a second or two of contemplation, you stood up, hearing a few deaf pops from your knees. Oh, you really needed to stretch later.

Your steps were slow and unsure, but you kept going until you could lay your small hand in Erwin’s large one. He pulled you closer, quickening your footing before tugging on the sleeve of your jacket so gently that you wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for the amount of concentration you were pouring into the whole situation.

“Commander…” you whispered, a questioning note in your tone. You wanted to be sure that he was sure, although you weren’t certain if it was the right thing to do. For some reason you regretted asking, you didn’t want him to change his mind, especially after last night. You just didn’t want to deal with rejection right now, but it would be worse if he decided to regret this later and shew you away.

“Please.” he mumbled while looking up at you with welcoming eyes and you nodded, settling down on his lap with visible hesitation.

You leaned into him with a trembling breath, nestling your head in the crook of his neck and closing your eyes as you tried soothing your pounding heart. A soft smile tugged on the corners of your mouth when you recognized the familiar lazy circles that were being drawn on your back.

This was heaven…

“Do you still wish me to kiss you, (Y/N)?”

“Eh?” your head shot up and you gave him a wide eyed look, your lips parted in disbelief. Your hands gripped onto the hem of his jacket just so he couldn’t see them trembling and you were sure he heard how hard you swallowed. You bit your bottom lip, face hot and flushed, and shuffled a bit in your spot before answering.

“Yes…”

The hand he had on one of your knees reached up to cup your cheek before he leaned closer with half lidded eyes.

“I’m so glad.”

You could feel your heart in your throat, drumming in an irregular rhythm. Your head was tugged forward until your lips were ghosting against each other’s, his breath was hot and carried a hint of coffee.

And just your luck there had to be someone who needed to see Erwin at that exact moment.

An ambitious knock sounded from the door and you crouched under the Commander’s desk before your brain could even process the situation. You saw Erwin hastily straighten his hair and jacket before he spoke and you couldn’t help but grumble out a fit of annoyed curses, which were cut off quickly when a hand was laid on top of your head before proceeding to pet away your sour mood.

You giggled at that, barely audible, but by the smirk on the blonde’s face you could tell he heard you.

He gave you a small wink before leaning over his desk and coughing loudly.

“Name and business!”

**~O~**

You weren’t hungry, your stomach was in knots after this morning and it hurt from how much you had had to stifle laughs while listening to Hange and Erwin converse. Zoe was a wacky woman so it didn’t surprise you how casually she spoke with your Commander when she thought it was just the two of them. Thankfully you had heard all the teasing nicknames she had used while their conversation was going and you sure as hell were going to use them the next time you went to help Erwin with paperwork.

At some point the Commander had pressed your face in his thigh to try and silence the meek giggles that were coming from under his desk and it had worked fairly well considering you stiffened every time your face came close to his crotch.

Just thinking about the whole ordeal made you snort while you were picking out what you’d have for lunch. Thank God, Hange had work and needed to leave as quickly as she barged in the Commander’s office because you were a joke away from bursting into laughter and exposing yourself and Erwin. You doubted she would mind, but you still didn’t know what exactly was going between you two and having people learn about it would only complicate the situation even more. Plus, Hange wasn’t good with keeping secrets so if she found out everyone would hear about it.

“What’s so funny, brat?”

You chocked on your spit at the sudden question and twisted your neck to meet a pair of annoyed eyes digging holes in the back of your head.

“Ah! Good day, Captain.” you smiled kindly, completely ignoring his typical sour demeanor.

You’d usually squirm under that glare, but today had started off so well. You were actually happy for once, problem Petra aside, and no sour worm would ruin it for you. You wanted to keep this feeling for as long as possible before it subsided and no one was going to take it away, not even Levi.

He replied to you with a sharp flick of his tongue before bumping into your shoulder and filling his tray with food.

“Would you like to have lunch with your team for once, Cadet? Or will you go lick Yaeger’s ass again?”

You dismissed the venom in his voice and nodded cheerfully.

“I’d love to have lunch with my team, Captain.” you stepped away from the short man and gestured for the dining tables “Please lead the way.”

“Very well.” he scoffed and trotted forward with you trailing close behind him. It was a good thing everyone feared him or you would have probably spilled your lunch over a few Cadets by now. It was the peak hour for lunch and the cafeteria was packed, but somehow people still found enough space around them to scoot away whenever Levi was passing by.

“Oi, (Y/N)! You’re actually gonna have lunch with us?” Oluo gasped, a hand placed over his chest in mockery before he chuckled to himself.

“Yeah, today is your lucky day guys.” you giggled and set your tray down next to Levi’s before settling on the bench, suppressing a snort when you heard another dramatic gasp come from Oluo.

“How is your wrist, Shorty?” Eld asked, spotting the bandages as soon as you pulled your sleeves back to dig in your food.

“Ah, well, could be better.” you sighed while meekly flexing it to check up on how much you could actually move it “But it could be worse so I suppose I’m not complaining. Say…where is Petra?” you asked, trying your best to hide the hesitation in your voice.

“She said she’s not feeling too well and decided to skip lunch.” Oluo shrugged nonchalantly and thank the heavens because that meant Petra hadn’t told anyone about the previous night. You didn’t want your whole team turning against you after she told them what had happened, you just couldn’t deal with it. Petra’s destroyed look last night had been enough to punch the breath out of you, if the whole Squad turned to you with the same expressions you would probably kill yourself.

A lump formed in your throat at even the mention of her name. She was probably devastated and hungover. You needed to speak to her again, not now, you couldn’t face her knowing how much your stupidity had wounded her, but maybe after the mission you could take her with you somewhere and throw away the necklace to prove to her that you hadn’t betrayed her. Hopefully with some convincing she would believe you and get over her mourning and trust you again. Maybe you could restore your friendship, slowly, but there was a small light in the tunnel and you’d be damned if you didn’t try to at least make things better – for her sake and yours.

“I hope she gets better soon.” you mumbled and the guys nodded in agreement.

“She’s a strong girl, she’ll make it.” Eld added reassuringly and you smiled weakly.

“Yeah…”

An elbow was planted in your side and you slightly turned to your Captain who was twirling a spoon in his soup. He gave you a sharp look and you leaned closer when you felt him tug on your jacket.

“Shut up and eat your lunch.” he hissed over a spoonful and directed his attention back to his food.

You nodded strongly and took a bite from your bun, letting the conversation on the table float away from you. It was difficult to eat when your stomach felt full, but you tried your best considering Levi was looking over you like a momma bear. You washed down the bread with your soup and then proceeded to much away at your boiled potato lazily.

You saw Levi tilt his head your way subtly, a miniature sign that you needed to get closer to him without looking suspicious. This was something he had started doing shortly after you had joined his squad so he could scold you for being an idiot without the others hearing and teasing you about it later. That and he didn’t want his team thinking that he had chosen an unskilled retarded kid for the next Special Operations Squad protégé. You were grateful, even though he wasn’t doing it for your sake, but considering how many headaches you cause him you couldn’t really complain. The man was being patient with you…for some reason.

You leaned forward, pretending to be picking at the breadcrumbs on your tray and nodded ever so gently, signaling Levi to talk and once he was sure the rest of his squad was preoccupied with their conversation he did.

“Where did you spend the night?”

 _“Oh shit…”_ your brain spurred out as you felt yourself being engulfed in panic, like someone just splashed a bucket of water all over you, you felt freezing cold nips start crawling up your spine, and you barely suppressed a shiver.

“I…”

“I went to check on your wrist last night after dinner and you were not in your room.” the short man spat out lowly, giving you a venomous side glare “And your roommates made it clear that they hadn’t seen you at all that evening. Explain, Cadet.”

“Captain, I was helping Commander Erwin with his paperwork.” you whispered with a meek stutter, preferring to keep your eyes on your tray because if you faced him you would probably start chocking “You can ask Captain Mike and a few Cadets about it, I was running around delivering documents.” you swallowed hard, but kept talking, a spark of courage igniting within your chest as an idea spurred in your head “I fell asleep on his desk. Commander Erwin was king enough to let me rest and not wake me. I’m sorry Captain, I would have never let myself slip up and fall asleep in his office if I knew it would cause you worry.”

“Tch…I wasn’t worried.” Levi almost snorted and shook his head in disappointment “Just pissed that my Cadet was stupid enough to be active the only day she was supposed to rest because she was clumsy enough to break her fucking wrist.”

“I’m sorry, Captain.” you mewled with the best pout you could pull off while trying to hide your grin. Of course, he wouldn’t admit he had worried and just your luck you figured it out fast enough to be able to cut him off before the interrogation could continue.

“You better be or I’ll be sure to make you truly sorry.” he shot back, raising his head unintentionally before lowering it again and taking a bite out of his bread.

**~O~**

Stars were littering the night sky and it looked so perfect that you couldn’t believe it was reality and not one of your many fantasies. It was breathtaking, a gentle night breeze was rustling through the branches of the tree you had nestled yourself under, it caused you to shudder despite you being dressed in your full uniform. You could hear crickets, it felt like they were chirping right next to you, all around you, everywhere. It was possible they were, you were sitting on a plain of grass after all, but the darkness hid them away.

You ran your palm over the grass, smiling sadly at the familiar ticklish feeling, then sighed and leaned your head back against the tree you and Reiner sat under every once in a while.

It was so strange to see the training grounds empty, it was somehow peaceful…and you loved it. Moments like these just gave you the illusion that everything was alright, that the world wasn’t a scary place, that…there was hope.

You had snuck out of your room after hours of twisting in bed. No matter how tired you were countless thoughts plagued your mind and you just couldn’t find peace so here you were now, outside, past curfew, in the midst of night, thinking.

A persisted needle of guilt kept prickling your heart ever since you found Petra in the kitchen yesterday, but when you surrounded yourself with people, when you had someone to talk to it wasn’t as bad. And that’s exactly what you had done after lunch. You had watched Reiner train, helped out Mikasa with chores even conversed with Armin about the latest book he was reading. However now when everyone was sleeping that needle turned into a knife and you had no way of distracting yourself anymore so you decided to go for a stroll, try to clear your mind.

It wasn’t working.

The day had gone by in a blur, giving you no time to realize that you were basically screwed when bedtime came around the corner.

You lifted the sapphire necklace, left it to dangle from your fingers as the moon’s milky light reflected in its glossy surface. It was beautiful, mesmerizing, but it brought you so much trouble that…you wanted to throw it away.

You were contemplating on it, it was a beautiful treasure, but it just wasn’t worth the hassle, you didn’t even know why you had worn it or kept it for as long as you had. Maybe it was the thought that your Captain had given it to you as a gift even if it had been to teach you a lesson. Or maybe you just really liked it. You weren’t sure, you just knew you still had it in your possession.

But it had brought such pain upon Petra…just looking at it made you squint back.

You combed a hand through your hair as you inspected the jewel. How could something so simple demolish a bond between two people? How could it have so much power?

And what of the Commander? What was going on between you? You hadn’t visited him since this morning, you couldn’t, you needed to fix things with Petra first. Erwin was a patient man and even if you didn’t know what exactly your relations were at the moment you were sure both of you could wait a little until you stitched together your broken friendship.

“Pssst!”

You jumped at the sudden sound and harshly twisted your neck, spotting a figure approaching you, but you couldn’t tell who it was, they were too far away. You tightened your hips, ready to run in case it was one of the Captains coming to see who was out past curfew, you were not about to get scolded, not again at least.

“Relax, (Y/N), it’s me.”

You blinked, a smile sweetening your sharpened in mistrust features, then nodded.

“Evening, kind Sir.” you snorted in a hushed tone “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Nope.” Eren heaved a sigh and plopped next to you with a hand ruffling his chocolate brown hair, beads of sweat were clinging to his forehead and the disheveled look in his eyes told you all you needed to know. He’d had a nightmare “You too?”

“Yeah…” you mumbled while twirling the necklace between your fingers, nostalgia overtaking you the more you sat next to Eren while the chilly night breeze gushed past you two “I’m overthinking things again.”

You used to meet Eren around base at night rather often before and with time it had become so frequent that you had started scheduling the time and place of meeting. Neither of you were sleepers, you didn’t blame him, he was going through absolute hell and still is, and thankfully he never asked why exactly you couldn’t sleep. Instead he would wait for you to show up and you would talk until both of you felt sleepy enough to retire. This was one of the many reasons why you had developed feelings for him.

He didn’t question you like a parent unless you wanted to be questioned, he never pushed a subject you weren’t comfortable talking about. He just…listened when you decided you trusted him enough to share and you loved him for it.

Lately, however, both of you had stopped showing up…either being too tired or finding another way to keep yourselves entertained until you were ready to sleep. It pained you a little, you felt like the bond between you two was thinning, but at the same time you weren’t doing anything about it. You were too busy, so was he. But maybe in time you would re-establish everything and go back to being close. Maybe…hopefully…

“What happened now?”

“Ugh…long story.” you puffed out a breath and uncurled your fingers from the necklace “And everything happened because of this.”

“Isn’t that the necklace you bought?” Eren asked while eyeing the sapphire with a raised eyebrow.

You gave him a look, your brain trying to process what the hell he was talking about until you finally remembered. Riiiight, you had lied that you had gotten the necklace yourself. Right…right…

In all honesty you weren’t a bad liar, but you were horrible at keeping track about your lies, mainly because you didn’t need to lie as much before. Now though every second word that came out of your mouth was a lie and you were hating it, but it was to protect the people you cared about from getting hurt. Even if it did backfire on you a lot.

“Yeah…apparently it’s cursed because it has been bringing me nothing but bad luck ever since I got it. I’m cursed too now.”

A chuckle escaped the boy next to you and you giggled in unison at your own words. It kinda did sound ridiculous when you thought about it.

“So what will you do with it?”

“Throw it away, I guess.” you shrugged, glancing up at the sky in thought, the tree was covering most of your view, but through the leaves you could see the stars twinkling down at you and you stared at them so intensely, like they would give you all the answers to your problems. Maybe they would, you never knew.

“(Y/N)…”

You flinched when you felt your hand get engulfed in warmth and you looked to Eren, seeing him tangling his fingers with yours as his other hand patted over you intertwined ones.

“The necklace has nothing to do with anything.” he spoke softly, unsure in his own words, and you didn’t blame him considering he didn’t know the situation “I don’t know what’s going on, but…throwing away a piece of jewelry won’t fix things. There is no easy way to solve your problems, getting rid of an inanimate object sure won’t. You need to face whatever it is you’re going through and fix it yourself.” he gave your hand a squeeze and directed the softest, most gentle smile you had ever seen grace his face towards you “I know you can do it. I believe in you.”

You melted into that moment.

You tilted your head to the side, a loving look lightening your face and squeezed his hand back. Silence befell you, neither spoke nor moved and the atmosphere and the intimacy almost swept you off your feet.

“Wow…Eren…are you drunk?” you laughed loudly despite covering your mouth with your hand, the laugh turning into hysteric snorts at the expression you got out of him.

“Sometimes I wonder why I even bother…” the boy shook his head disapprovingly, trying to hide his grin the best he could, but you saw it when pinched his cheer with a wild grin.

“Because you care for meeee, aww.” you teased, untangling your hand from his and wrapping it around his shoulders to roughly pull him closer “Thank you. Jokes aside, you’re right. I’ll fix things…somehow.”

“I know you will.” Eren smiled and rested his head against yours, lest out a content breath and hummed “We haven’t done this in so long.”

“Yeah…” you sighed, closing your eyes while breathing in his musky scent “I missed this.”

“Me too…I missed having a friend like you with who to talk like this. You have no idea how many nights I wondered if you were walking around outside and I missed my chance to see you. I miss you…we all do. Me, Armin, Mikasa. We used to be inseparable before, remember?”

 _“Ouch…”_ was the first and only thing you thought before pulling away with a confused Eren following your movements. At the word friend your thoughts had just been abruptly cut off and you failed to hear the rest of the boy’s rant and you really didn’t care enough to ask him to repeat.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, genuinely concerned, but you waved at him with a smile.

_“You’re what’s wrong you stupid bastard.”_

“Nothing.” you laughed, and you were so glad it was dark enough for him to fail to see just how fake your smile was “I just got really sleepy. I’ll take your advice, though, thanks for that.”

“Ughm…you’re welcome. Any time, love.” he grinned and pointed at the necklace “So what will you do with it?”

“You know…I think I’ll keep it.”

  

 

 

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me this long to post another chapter, everyone. I haven't really been that busy, but my mind has been everywhere BUT in finishing this chapter. I did finish it though and I'm so proud of myself! As always excuse any mistakes made, I kinda rushed through the editing part, haha. I hope you enjoy reading everyone! Let me know how you feel about the chapter because holy JESUS the Erwin scene was so fun to write!


	8. Promise me

Why your wrist had decided to act up today out of all days was beyond you – it was stinging, pulsing and jolts of pain would make you twitch all the time. The fact that you were in Hange’s horror show lab aiding her with packing for the mission wasn’t helping much either, but she had given you medication for the pain so it wasn’t all bad.

Literally everyone was scurrying around since sunrise, preparing for the big finale, the grand task…and you weren’t going to be a part of it. Damn your luck and your clumsy nature. The Survey Corps was buzzing like a bee hive and for some reason it made you happy. Seeing everyone, new recruits and Captains working together, it was just heartwarming. Of course there were a few incidents and a little bit of shouting from Levi, but that aside everything was just…breathtaking.

Since you were training today as well, you had decided to save yourself the stress this morning and leave your jacket and belts in your closet, deciding it was best if you just ran around in a plain white shirt and pants. Thank God for that because it was humid in the basement.

You watched Hange’s sweat drip from her chin and nose as she sealed a crate of medical gear and smiled to yourself in glory. Yup, light clothing had definitely been the answer.

“Ugh!” the scientist groaned and plopped herself on the crate, wiping off her forehead “I’m melting…”

“You stink.” you snickered while sharpening up her spare blades, which were displayed on her desk, and laughed sincerely at the unimpressed look you got as an answer.

“Yes well, I wasn’t the one who got injured a week before a mission now was I? Oh no, wait, that was you.”

“With all the respect within the Walls, dear Captain Hange.” you bowed lightly at her “Fuck off.”

The woman slapped her knee and burst into a fit of snorts and cackles before leaning back, elbows rested on a dusty bookshelf.

“No need to be salty, my cute little apprentice. Mistakes are bound to happen. And this way you can look after my lab while I’m away!”

“Oh no no no.” you waved your hands before your chest with a nervous smile “I am not coming down here without you. Who knows what monstrosities you keep in this place without Erwin’s knowledge. I’m not risking getting eaten by a mutated sewer rat.”

“Well I would n – Hold it!” Hange paused, blinked, then a spark shone in her eyes and she pulled off the biggest smirk you had seen from her thus far “What did you just call the Commander?”

You gave her a look, not quite getting her question, and as her smirk grew your heartbeat quickened and you internally cursed. Heat rose up to your face and lingered under your skin, bringing a faint glow to your cheeks. You thanked the heavens for the dim lighting inside the basement or the mad woman would have picked up on your embarrassment by now.

“Uhm…Erwin? You call him that all the time!” you scoffed irritably and then turned your back to her all-seeing eyes, continuing your task with wiping her blades “It’s your fault, to be honest, Hange. I’ve picked it up from you. What if I call him by his name while I’m talking with him? I’ll embarrass myself so much, it’s so disrespectful.”

You sucked in a shaky breath, praying that she bought your explanation. Your eyes darted to her, watching her under your lashes as she slumped a hand over your shoulders, causing you to grip onto the blade in your hands firmer as not to drop it.

You suppressed the relieved sigh when she laughed and pressed her nose into your cheek.

“Don’t worry my beautiful apprentice, you’re smarter than that. And! And, and, and, I will, of course, cover for you if that ever happens. I mean, yeah, it is kinda my fault so…I can’t have you take the blame for my mistake, now can I?” Hange puffed a haggard breath before lying her head on your shoulder, watching you polishing her blade absentmindedly, then began to mumble “But, you know, he’s been acting strange lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but he seems…out of it. Like there’s something constantly on his mind. He looks…honestly? Happier.” she sniffed your shirt, to which you elbowed her playfully with a small giggle and she couldn’t help but grin at you “I’m happy for him. But this all seems so fishy…and we….we should get to the bottom of this.”

During Hange’s whole monologue you had had this flutter of butterflies twirling and bubbling in your chest, something you hadn’t felt in a long time. Her plan, however, caused the comfortable hum that had befallen you to drastically change. Now you were just fighting off a panic attack.

“Hange, I don’t think we should be poking our noses in the Commander’s personal business.” you murmured unsurely, Erwin’s title feeling strange on your tongue, but it was required if you wanted to keep yourself off the mad woman’s suspect list.

You couldn’t help her! How were you supposed to when you were the cause for Erwin’s sudden good moods? This was something between you and the Commander and you didn’t need a loudmouthed crazy lady knowing about it and then blabbering on about it to others. Knowing Hange, though, she wouldn’t give up on her newly found pursuit.

“Yes we should! He’s our Commander!” she exclaimed and shook you lightly “We want to know what’s wrong with him because we care, right? You care about Erwin, don’t you, (Y/N)?”

 _“Pff…if only you knew.”_ you snorted and after a small roll of your eyes and cocking your head from side to side you nodded.

“I suppose.”

“Perfect!” Hange pinched your cheeks, pulling away just as you were about to slap her hands off “When I’m back from the mission our mystery solving begins. Just imagine – you and me, two gals against the world, staying up late with tons of paperwork full of details about Erwin’s days after spying on him.” she motion with her hand extended over your shoulder, gripping onto you while practically screaming in your ear. The glint in her eyes honestly scared you. “It’s going to be beautiful…”

“Ugh, fine, fine!” you pulled away from her roughly, harshly glided over your now wrinkled shirt and flexed your shoulders, feeling them stiff after your Captain’s constant grips and touches “What’s with you today? Knock off the touchy touchy, geez! It’s like you’re addicted or something.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” she waved you off before lunging at you and locking your head in her arms “I’ll just miss my little apprentice is all.”

“Oh for the love of! Hange!” you cursed while trying to get her off you “Let me go!”

“Oh, right.” she snickered and released you.

How neither of you had stabbed yourselves on the blades on the Captain’s desk is a mystery. You wouldn’t have minded jabbing it in her foot, though. By accident, of course.

“Crazy woman…” you mumbled and dusted yourself off.

“Oh! I almost forgot.” she gasped, then knocked on the side of her head with her knuckles and bent over her desk, tipping over bottles and papers until she found the item of her questing “Here you go.”

You blinked at her and scrunched your brows together, not really accepting her offer, or better yet, not believing she was making you such an offer.

“Hange…I can’t take this…” you whispered while searching her face for the reason why she was giving you her precious journal “This means everything to you.”

It was true, that little notebook contained all the information the crazy Captain had gathered on the titans, it was like her child that grew each time she wrote down something new. She always kept it nearby, minus that time she gave it to you for a bit. It made you internally smile that she would trust you enough to leave it with you and that was exactly why you didn’t want it. You wouldn’t bear the consequences of disappointing her if something was to happen to it.

“Of course it does! That’s why I’m leaving it to you. I can’t trust anyone else to guard it and if the mission goes wrong – “

“ – Don’t you dare say that!”

“IF…the mission, by some small chance, goes wrong I want you to have it. I want you to keep it safe and cherish it, memorize it even. If it falls into the wrong hands it could cost us…a lot.” she finished, not so certain in her last words, but seeing the distress in your eyes, well, she needed to smooth out the situation a little.

“Everything! It could cost us everything and I don’t want that burden on me.” you whined and stomped your foot like a child, flailing your arms around like it would magically change Hange’s mind.

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about any of that. Just keep it safe until I’m back, alright?” she grinned, patted you on the head and shoved the notebook in your chest.

“Fine.” you grumbled and pointed a bony finger at her “But if humanity goes extinct I will hold you personally accountable.”

“Yes, yes, justice and honor and just keep it safe, thanks.” she merely blew you off before returning to packing up supplies for the mission.

You scoffed, bitter about the whole journal ordeal, but at least you had taken her mind off of Erwin. Hopefully the mission would keep her busy enough for her to not go snooping around and question the Commander about his sudden change of mood. Until they came back from the mission, you were most likely safe.

“(Y/N), help me out with these will ya?” Hange squeaked while trying to lift one of the crates up by herself, and failed to do so miserably.

You snorted at her red face before giving her a hand and with both your effort you lifted the crate successfully.

“By the way, Captain, if you don’t return…I’ll burn your journal.” you smiled at her sweetly, to which she paled and it was then that you realized your teasing had been a fucking huge mistake.

“What?!?”

“Hange, no! The crate!”

**~O~**

You weren’t even halfway done with laughing your ass off and you were already in tears and half bent over, holding onto your shaking knees for support. Your hair was in a messy bun, streaks poking out from all sides, it was damp with sweat and so was the rest of your body. Your whole form was trembling and you were breathless, but it felt good to train again.

By now the whole training group had gathered around you and Eren, who was still lying on the dusty training ground, sulking in sweat and defeat, growling slightly whenever someone dared to snicker under their breath. However, not at you, you were too far in to even think about trying to stop laughing.

“Are you kidding me?!” you gasped through fits “I beat you with one hand, Yaeger!”

You sucked in a few deep breaths, one hand on your chest to calm your last clutch of giggles, and watched Mikasa try to pull him up to no avail. He didn’t want to get up, he was sulking.

“That’s my little warrior woman!” Reiner slapped you on the back, knocking the breath out of your lungs, but you still smiled at him and gave him a pat in return.

“It’s only normal, (Y/N), you’re from the Special Operations Squad, your technique is a lot more advanced than ours.” Armin stated, trying to sooth Eren with the most logical reason he could think of and it seemed to work.

“Yeah, what the hell!” Eren howled, pointing a finger at your chest. You shrugged, smirking while watching him slap Mikasa away and dust himself off angrily.

“You chose me as your sparring partner.”

“Because you’re supposed to teach me! Not pummel me to the ground!” he practically shouted back at you and you leaned into Reiner, stuffing your face in the side of his chest and snickering, practically gagging while trying to swallow the second fit of laughter that was trying to crawl out of your throat.

You pulled away from the blonde, took in a breath through your nose and closed your eyes before exhaling slowly.

“I’m sorry, Eren.”

The said boy rolled his eyes at you, leaving the argument there, but preferring to have the last word for once.

“Just…try to teach me something next time.” he mumbled and walked past you, settling down under the tree you had bumped into the night you decided to keep the necklace. You followed after him, nestling next to him with a clumsy thud.

Maybe it was the nervousness before the mission, maybe the Cadets needed some sort of comfort in numbers, in their friends, but little by little everyone sat under the shade of that tree, closer to each other than ever before. Uncertain glances were met by reassuring smiles until light conversations began between every few people. The sight pinched at the corners of your mouth and soon you found yourself grinning.

“Well isn’t this a happy camper sight to see.” you snorted, receiving a playful punch from Connie, who was sprawled next to you.

“I don’t know what we’ll do on this mission…Will we come back?” Sasha moaned and tucked her knees under her chin, wrapping her arms around them.

Reiner waved her off with a cocky wink and bared his chest in prideful boasting.

“Of course we will! I’ll protect you no matter what!”

Krista giggled with a light blush on her face while Eren gagged and got a firm hit to the head.

“Stop being a kid! At least he’s being positive!” Jean snarled.

“Oh here we go.” Mikasa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and heaving a breath.

Eren coughed when you sharply pulled his collar, tugging him away from landing a hit on Jean.

“Hey!” you shouted “Horse face and Titan boy, knock it off! This could be the last time we see each other. Have some damn respect.”

“Oh for God’s sake, (Y/N), stop trying to be everybody’s mom!” Jean moaned, receiving a raised eyebrow from you.

“Someone has to.” you answered teasingly, knowing exactly how he would react to your uncomfortable statement.

“Oh my…You are so cringey! Stop! My stomach, bleh.” Jean faked trying to throw up and you reached to flick his nose with a light cackle.

“Ok, ok. I’ll stop. Just don’t barf on everyone.”

“Uuu, I like a good mommy role-play.” Reiner stuck out his tongue and licked his lips. Your nose scrunched at the unneeded action, you had to resist the urge to cover your face and grin at his idiocy. Instead you simply answered.

“Ew.”

“This is why you’re single, Reiner.” Annie looked up from the patch of grass she was occupying herself with, staring the blond man down when he shot her a glare.

Reiner scoffed, a blush creeping over his face and making him look like a boiling tomato. He brushed Annie off with a sneer.

“Well, if you smiled for a change maybe you wouldn’t be in the same situation as me.”

“Fight! Fight! Fight!”

“Sasha!” you gasped and kicked her lightly to which she waved her hands apologetically and grinned.

“Sorry, sorry!”

“And anyway, Annie would beat the shit out of Reiner.” Connie piped in with his hands crossed before his chest, sending a playful wink at Reiner when the blonde raised a fist at him, hissing out curses.

“You guys are ridiculous.” Annie, who had been standing up and a bit away from the others until that moment, sighed to herself in disappointment and finally sat down with the rest.

You laughed to yourself, listening to the bickering going on, the little sentences exchanged between Cadets, the laughs and the expressions sticking out of the crowd from time to time. You’d miss this if it was taken away from you, you’d miss your friends and that’s why you prayed that they would return safe, all of them. Each and every one of these people…a part of you would die if even one of them didn’t return. It would tear at you, tug at your heart if you were to lose one of them and imagine how horrible their death had been.

But at the same time you were a realist, you knew many of them wouldn’t return. The mission was supposed to have casualties, every mission did. You had been prepared when you had signed up for the Survey Corps, but back then you would have never guessed that you’d make so many friends. You had never planned on making any friends, but these goofs and idiots had somehow made their way into your heart and now there was no letting go.

“I’ll probably become an alcoholic if any of you twats die…So please return.” you mumbled unintentionally, too delved in thought to even realize you had said anything.

The crowd quieted down, taking in your sudden statement, which had somehow reached each and every one of them for all to turn to you. Armin mumbled something under his breath and arched up and spoke.

“We’ll return, (Y/N), don’t you worry.”

“Wow…(Y/N) went in deep.” Connie whispered before getting hit by Annie.

“Oh! Uhm…sorry.” you shook your head and giggled, blinking away your thoughts “I was just thinking about how much it would hurt if even one of you didn’t return. How you all have family out there somewhere and how some of you will even want to have families of your own. Please be safe out there and return here so I can beat your faces in for making me worry.”

“We will return.” Reiner laughed and poked your messy bun cheekily “All of us.”

“Miss Broken-wrist is right. We all have what to live for so it’s better to come back, injured maybe, but alive.” Eren nodded, skimming over the crowd of young enthusiastic soldiers sitting around him.

The majority of the Cadets nodded before turning to their sides and continuing their halfhearted conversations. You picked up something about an unreciprocated love, some drama about two girls liking the same guy, a little bit of techniques to strike down a titan as fast as possible being shared and some strange rumor about the food being served having some sort of stimulant injected to make the soldiers stronger. You snorted a bit at that part and covered your mouth absentmindedly. Who would even come up with such a thing? People were going crazy within these Walls.

“Say, (Y/N), what happened with your plan to help Petra and your Captain confess their feelings for each other?” Armin asked in a soft voice while crawling closer to you and Eren, followed by Mikasa and making sure nobody was eavesdropping.

You shared looks with all three of them and rested your head against the tree stump with a smile while prompting your hands in front of your chest in unspoken denial to answer.

“I’d rather not talk about it.” you murmured “But if you’re that interested – “ you continued, looking at their thirsty for knowledge faces with a tinge of disappointment by your answer “ – It didn’t work out.” you shrugged, playing dumb “I have no idea, though. I mean, it really seemed like Captain had some sort of feelings for Petra. Maybe he just doesn’t want to mesh work and emotions? Can’t say for sure, but Petra gave up.”

“Oh…” Armin squinted a bit in his spot and his eyes dropped to the grass beneath him “That’s…disappointing. I was really hoping to see Petra happy.”

“Yeah, and Shorty less grumpy.” Eren added casually, causing you to laugh and slap his shoulder playfully.

“You know that will never happen.” you added, grinning “He was probably born with that grumpy face.”

“True.” Eren chuckled, his eyes travelling to your hand before he gently took your wrist, giving it a rub with his thumb “How is your wrist, anyway? Is it healing well?”

Mikasa, sensing the intimacy thickening the air between you and Eren, tugged a bit on Armin’s jacket to focus his attention on her and chatted him up about a book he had lend her a while back. Thankfully, he complied, tore his eyes from you two and turned to Mikasa with a spark in his eyes, a spark only seen when he was delving into conversations about books.

“Ugh…It’s been a pain today, but yes, it’s healing quite well.” you ghosted your fingers over the still sensitive wrist, running them over Eren’s thumb and hand, stopping just before his wrist “Sadly not fast enough so that I can still attend the mission.”

Eren laid his free hand over yours and smiled sweetly at you, melting you in your spot and causing you to shine your pearly whites lovingly.

“Don’t worry, Big shot, I think we’ll manage without you.”

You laughed at that and scooted closer to the boy before pulling your knees to your chest, making sure you were pressed flush against him. Eren wasn’t the best soldier, he was average, maybe even below that, he couldn’t even do half of what Mikasa could, but you were certain that he would make sure all of his friends came back alive. You believed in him, he was one stubborn bastard, he’d never let the titans take any of his close ones. It didn’t matter the cost and now that he had discovered his powers he wouldn’t hesitate to use them to protect those he cared about.

“I’m counting on you to bring everyone back safe and sound, Titan boy.” you snickered and gave him a glance, confident in the knowing look carving itself into his features.

“I know, dork, I know.” he nodded and his grip on your hands tightened “I promise.”

**~O~**

Levi wasn’t too happy with you practically barging into his office. He wasn’t happy that you had come shortly after training and reeked of sweat and overall look like a horrible mess, but he didn’t say anything, only offered you a seat with a motion of his hand.

“Good evening, Captain.” you chocked out, so nervous that he could practically sniff it out, and he did, his pen stopped trailing over the papers he was tending to and his eyes rose to meet yours.

“What did you do?” he asked in an accusative tone.

“N-no. Nothing, Sir.” you denied, shaking your head to further harden your statement “I came here to give you something.”

Levi clasped his hands under his chin, still staring you down with unnerving calmness. Then he extended his open palm in expectation for you to give whatever it was you wanted to give and be done with it.

You clung to the sapphire dangling under your shirt, hand wrapped tightly around it and the fabric in search of some sort of comfort to counteract your Captain’s cold and silent ways. Maybe you had done a mistake? Would he really keep if it you asked him to or would he just toss it aside like the useless little trinket it was? Maybe he wouldn’t accept it at all and just shew you away like the annoying brat you were, but there was the small spark of hope that he’d actually do what you were hoping he would.

So you tucked your hair in front of your shoulder and reached back to unclasp the jewelry, holding tightly onto the chain so that it wouldn’t fall in your shirt and pulled it out from under your uniform. You curled the chain around the sapphire and after claiming Levi’s hand, placed it in his palm, then retreated back in your seat without a word.

“I’m not returning this, Cadet. This was your punishment for your foolishness in poking your nose in other people’s business. Keep it or throw it away, but don’t expect me to return it.” Levi simply stated and let the necklace slide off his palm.

“You misunderstood me, Captain.” you spoke in a hushed tone, unsure in your words, but kept going regardless, your will to complete the task you had put upon yourself was greater than your Captain’s sternness “I already decided to keep it and I will…After you return from your mission with it. Please, please keep it safe and give it back to me when you return. It means a lot to me and I’d like it back.”

You fumbled with your fingers, hands in your lap, and once in a while spared Levi glances to see if his facial expression would alter even a tad bit. It never did, however he picked up the sapphire and to your surprise, locked it around his neck and tucked it under his shirt, without a word or any sign of emotion on his dull face.

“Oh, uhm, you don’t…have to put it on, Captain, I was just hoping you’d keep it until you return.”

“Considering how idiotic your request is, I’d rather wear it. I’ll most likely forget about it completely if I leave it on my desk.” Levi answered while straightening his shirt with his hands “If that is all, Cadet, you may leave.”

“Uhm, I was actually wondering if I could be of assistance with some of your paperwork?” you asked while fiddling with the belts on your hips.

“Alright, cut the crap. What the hell has gotten into you?” Levi spat out in a venomous hiss and you suddenly found it very difficult to swallow or…breathe.

“I ah….” you chocked out, barely audible mumbled seeping past your lips “I’m sorry…I haven’t been able to sleep well lately. I’m scared, Captain.” small beads of tears were forming in the corners of your now glossy eyes “I don’t want to lose anyone and…I feel so helpless. Because of this stupid accident I won’t be there with everyone. I won’t know what’s happening until you return and…I’m afraid to look at the deteriorated numbers of the soldiers after the mission is over. I want to spend some time with those I’ve grown fond of before the mission so that I can take in their features for the last time before you they leave. And that includes you.”

“(Y/N), that’s the risk of being a soldier of the Survey Corps. It’s a risk each Cadet agreed to when they first joined the organization. You have no right to put the burden of your selfishness onto them considering they’re already trying to prepare themselves for the fact that they might not return.” Levi stood from his seat and instead settled in the empty chair next to you “Stop trembling.” he ordered while laying a hand over your shaky ones and squeezing them in an attempt to cease the involuntary movement.

“I’m sorry for spewing all of this on you, Captain.” you sighed, eyes locked on the slightly larger, paler hand that was holding its grip on your own “You aren’t my guardian or anything, you shouldn’t have to take in all of my worries.”

“I agree.” Levi nodded, reached out and refilled his tea cup, before filling one for you as well “But I can understand where you’re coming from and I’d rather try to reason with you than listen to you whine endlessly. You may stay, there is plenty of paperwork to be done.”

“I suppose you’re right…Thank you.”

**~O~**

The smell of coffee was relaxing you so much, it was lingering in the room, slipping into your nose and making you smile ever so gently as you snuggled closer into the perfectly ironed while shirt you were resting your head on.

The ticking of the clock made you anxious, however, because each tik brought your departure with the man relaxing underneath you closer. But the warm hand resting on your upper back was running pleasant circles over your clothed skin and it was helping you push that unwanted thought into the back of your head and focus on the present.

You purred at the caring motion before straitening a bit and grabbing your own coffee cup resting on the oak drawer. You took in the now more intense smell, inhaling and exhaling slowly, then took a prolonged sip with your eyes half-lidded.

“God, you make the most amazing coffee.” you huffed in content and leaned back into the blond man, your head resting on his shoulder, cup cradled in your hands. You turned to him, catching him looking at you with a distant look, and pressed your nose to his, giggling when re reciprocated and rubbed his against yours. “I’ll miss you, Erwin.”

“So will I, my little coffee addict.” he chuckled when you suddenly froze, then flicked your tongue in displeasure.

“No, I’m not! I just love your coffee.” You protested, setting your cup back down and puffing out a annoyed breath.

“Oh and why would that be? Do you think I cast a spell on it?” he wondered cheekily, watching with hazy blue eyes as the blush on your face grew “Or maybe it’s not the coffee that you love…?”

“Witchcraft!” you spat out, faking a horrified face before bursting into giggles when Erwin pressed you down on the couch and covered your mouth with his hand “Oh no!” you muffled from under his fingers, your eyes – joyous and daring. It drove the man crazy how you would look at him, no matter how polite and political you’d act, your eyes never failed to show him just how cunning you were beneath your formal act. You were a rascal and he loved that side of you because it helped him return to his days of being young, free from responsibilities and rebellious. Oh how he loved it, he was addicted to it, to you.

“Hush my little prey and I will make you my apprentice.” he continued the act, smiling kindly all the way through it.

You laughed and pulled him closer, having him rest on you collarbone and chest as his arms coiled around you protectively. You rest one of your hands on his back while the other combed through his hair, making a mess of his once perfectly styled and slick locks. You felt his hot breaths pass through your shirt and coat your skin with warmth, making you shiver and covering you in goose flesh. He closed his eyes and sighed, pressing himself farther into your softness, into your gentle touch, enjoying the delight of being treated with your soothing presence.

“Can’t we stay like this forever?” you hummed, remembering all the things that happened until that moment – Petra’s broken heart and hatred for you, Levi’s confusing actions that had you struggling to point your finger on whether he actually did have feelings you that he was hiding or not, Eren’s ignorance to see the emotional pain he was causing you, Hange’s idiotism and her unrivaled stubbornness, her idea of wanting to poke her nose where she shouldn’t, the titan abilities that you allegedly had. All these problems seemed so miniscule when you were in this room with this man, it was like he took all your worries away and replaced them with contentment and calmness, his affection was your cure for the poison your daily life prepared for you.

“I wish we could.” Erwin exhaled, lifting his lids to gaze at the floor absentmindedly.

You tapped your fingers against the blonde’s skull gently and tugged on his shirt, making him plop himself on his elbows.

“Please come back to me…”

“I will.” he whispered while inching closer to you “I promise I will.”

Of course he couldn’t promise, he was the Commander of the Survey Corps, his life came before everyone else’s, but the look on your face, the desperation in your eyes, he couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t disappoint you. So he gave an empty promise instead, one which he didn’t believe he would keep, but you believed, you were hopeful and that was enough for him to try and keep that promise as best as he could.

He hadn’t noticed when he had gotten so close to your face, but by the time he came to his senses, your lips were lightly brushed against each other. He was going to pull back but your eyes…they were full of need, he recognized it because his crystal blues were the same, nothing but a hue of colors and vagueness. Yet, he couldn’t help but ask you, he deeded reassurance that his suspicions were correct.

“Do you want this?”

“I…” you paused, taking in everything that was happening, how your bodies were squished together, how your hearts were sped up, drumming wildly, damn, you could feel his pounding through his chest and shirt, you could feel yours high in your throat. The heat between your legs was worrying you, you felt embarrassed at the thought of him finding out how much you wanted him. However, the prominent poking against your inner thigh told you enough and as your lust grew your dignity diminished like a dying flame. You wanted him, wanted to touch him, explore him, and run your hands over every part of his exposed skin. You wanted to feel his tongue swirling around yours and his sweaty body grinding against you as you lost yourself in the ecstasy. The wild look he was giving you took away your breath and you found yourself struggling to breathe. God, you needed him. “Yes, but…No.”

Something was stopping you, the nagging at the back of your head was immense and you couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this now, knowing that I might never see you again…It’s too much. If I lose you….I can’t. I can’t afford to do this and have you killed on that mission and never return. I know I’m a buzzkill, but right now I really really…need you to stay in my life and I’d rather not attach myself even more in case you don’t return.” you babbled on, locking your eyes on his “I will kiss you when you return so please…come back safe.”

Soft lips were pressed against your forehead in a loving, accepting kiss, and your mouth blossomed into a small smile.

“I understand.”

You were falling head over heels for this man, honestly. Even your crush for Eren was fading away; it was still there, but a lot less intense; your focus was on Erwin and you couldn’t really point which part of him had drawn you in. Maybe it was his sapphire blue eyes, his perfect attire every time you went to see him or leave him some documents sent by your Captain, his golden, soft locks, his perfect smile, his magnificent physique. Or maybe it was…the fact that he actually replied to your feelings, which Eren had refused to do no matter how hard you had tried to hint at him. The boy was just oblivious and lately it had driven you to the point where you were avoiding his presence, unable to take any more of his friendly treatment. It just hurt you to watch him go about his business without even acknowledging how much you cared. And sadly, Erwin was the only remedy for your pain.

You pulled at the man and hugged him into your chest once more, to which he had complied without any resistance or hesitation and had wrapped you in a tight embrace.

“Oh…I forgot to tell you!” you gaped at your own forgetfulness “Hange has a plan to uncover why you’ve been so happy lately.” you laughed mockingly “And she wants me to be a part of it.”

“Ah, that woman.” Erwin scrunched his nose and furrowed his brows, then stuffed his face in your shirt and sighed “Always doing everything, but fulfilling her responsibilities.”

“I mean…I don’t know how I’ll help her.” you shrugged nonchalantly while staring at the ceiling “I’m the reason and I’m not letting her figure that out so she’s pretty much chasing a shadow. What do you think she’ll do?”

“Well, knowing her.” the blonde pondered for a moment before grinning “She’ll watch me while I sleep through my bedroom window, stalk my every move while I’m in eyesight and stop by my office a lot more frequently, which technically isn’t bad. I do have a lot of botched documents I need to discuss with her.”

“Oh, you’re so vicious.” you joked and squeaked when you felt a pinch on your back, causing Erwin to chuckle victoriously.

“Careful, little girl. As you said, I’m quite vicious.”

“Oh, shush!” you scoffed and pressed the man’s face into yourself harder “But you’re right about the window thing. I mean…she did kidnap me from Captain’s bedroom window for our last experiment with Eren.”

“You…slept in Levi’s bed?” the Commander questioned, surprised, but trying his best to not sound as if he was stating an accusation.

“Yes, it was a safety precaution against Hange, but it didn’t really work out, as I said. I ended up getting kidnapped while Captain was asleep on his desk.” you couldn’t help the laugh the escaped you, remembering the bizarre, early morning adventure.

Erwin didn’t say a word after your short story. Instead he shifted in his spot, craning his neck sideways and started leaving a trail of feathery kisses from your jaw down to the base of your neck. You gripped onto the back of his head and dug your nails in his strong back instinctively, stiffening, every muscle in your body twitching awake from the pleasurable act. A low grumble escaped his parted lips and you shuddered in delight before pressing him farther against you and arching your neck for better access. Your breathing became shallow and your eyes began to close as you drowned yourself in the moment.

“Mmmmmh, Erwin.” you moaned out softly, a tint of pink already present on your cheeks “Oh!” you gasped at the sudden roughness when he bit down on your delicate skin forcefully, almost angrily. You pressed your fingers to the marked spot after he had removed his mouth and raised an eyebrow, snickering “Did you just give me a hickey? My God, how old are you?”

“My apologies, but I’d like to leave a mark on what is mine.” the Commander stated in a-matter-of-factly, looking you straight in the eyes, but his pride and confidence vaporized from the knowing grin you held.

“Jealous much, Commander?”

“No.” he answered simply “And I’d like to avoid that feeling so I took precautions.” he winked at you playfully “Just in case.”

“So…this means I’m yours now?” you questioned with uncertainty spilling from your tongue “Is that right?’”

“I thought we had already established that the moment you asked me to kiss you.” the blonde answered securely and you nodded in agreement after a brief moment of soaking in the new information that you had somehow not acknowledged until that moment.

“I suppose, you’re right. Well, in that case – no late night visits from any other Cadet.” you proclaimed in a huff, as if it would be his new and most important rule. It was supposed to be just a joke, but by his curt nod you could tell he didn’t take it as such. Instead he took it with a great deal of seriousness.

“Of course not, I’m only interested in you. My eyes are set on you and I do not plan on breaking what we have already begun for a simple one night fling.”

“Erwin…” you trailed off, staring at him in disbelief. Was he honestly taking you two so seriously? Was he that dedicated? You could tell he was not lying or overexaggerating, which made you feel like a scrub. Here you were, with one of the best men at your feet, proclaiming their affection and loyalty to you, and you just thought of how to get with a thick-headed little brat that was one of the most prideful and idiotic twats you had ever met. God, you were horrible.

 _“Fuck it, I’m keeping this guy.”_ you thought, resisting the urge to nod to yourself. You laid a kiss on Erwin’s forehead, then squished his cheeks.

He was worth it, he cared for you. He deserved your time, your love, your respect, the least you could do was try to move on and give a chance to whatever it was you had with the handsome blonde. It was worth a shot and if it did work out you’d have an amazing partner at your side, who, you knew, would protect you and be there for you.

“Then make sure you come back, Mr Big Vicious Commander.”

**~O~**

You watched them from the opened window of your room as they departed, you found familiar faces all around the crowd, they didn’t turn back to you, not all of them, but you could tell who was who, especially Jean with that not so amazing haircut. You clutched Hange’s journal, having been briefly studying its pages, but ever since the soldiers started to emerge you had put aside reading and had focused on them instead.

Hange was waving her hand goodbye like a moron, not that she wasn’t one, grinning widely at you, then raised a thumb up before Levi kicked her horse and she sped forward uncontrollably – you giggled at that. The famous trio also faced you from the gates of the Survey Corps – Armin sent you a not so certain, but hopeful smile, blushing furiously when you cheekily winked at him; Mikasa saluted you and Eren, thinking that the wink was for him, winked back with a small smirk, then laughed in embarrassment when you rolled your eyes and Armin leaned to whisper something in his ear, most likely telling him the wink wasn’t for him.

Your team turned as well. Oluo stuck his tongue at you in a “haha, you’re not coming” kind of way before Eld elbowed him, causing him to bite down on his tongue and cower in his saddle. It was then that Eld waved at you with the usual cocky grin. Oluo was gripping his mouth, a tear running down his cheek, but thankfully his horse didn’t need much guidance to keep striding forward. Petra…didn’t turn to look at you and it prickled your heart, but after all that she had went through, you understood her reasoning. That was why you were anticipating her return, so you could talk this through and be friends once again.

Reiner raised his fist at you, reassuring you of his capability to bring back as many soldiers as he could save, and likewise you return his action. Bertoldt wiped his sweat away when your attention turned to him and couldn’t think of anything else but smiling awkwardly in your direction. You laughed at that, the poor guy was so insecure, he was like a mouse and you loved that about him, even though you knew it was stopping him from achieving so many great things.

Erwin…when he turned, you had to resist the instinct of hiding immediately. He spared you the briefest of glances, yet you could have sworn you saw that he had pointed to his neck with a smirk. You looked down, picking up on what he was trying to tell you and quickly lifted the collar of your unbuttoned shirt up, covering the still fresh, purple mark above your collarbone.

And then Levi. His murky green hood covered his face, but you spotted something reflect the bright sunlight from beneath his cloak – it was the necklace. He was actually fucking wearing that sapphire necklace you had asked him to keep until his return. If anyone saw him wearing such womanly jewelry he’d be a laughingstock, well, behind his back most certainly, but still.

“He’s wearing it…” you mumbled, peering through your window, trying to catch another glance of it, which failed to your displeasure, but you were almost sure you had seen it.

Once the horizon had swallowed the mass amount of soldiers you tossed your shirt aside and crawled back into bed, sitting cross-legged as you changed the bandage of your wrist. Each time you unwrapped a layer, it felt as if an unnoticeable dread was spreading through your mind like a plague, but you didn’t really notice it until it was literally raging within your skull.

You didn’t know why you were feeling like this, but all of a sudden, it was killing you. Something was coming, something very bad would happen soon and you knew it had to do with the mission. But what? What if no one returned? What if they were all wiped out? You couldn’t bear the thought.

“Please…Please, everyone! Be safe…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God...I am so sorry. No! The story is not dead. I've just been going through the toughest time of my life and I had absolutely no mental strength to write. Many things happened, sadly they were negative, but I'm getting my life back together. Happy new year to everyone! I hope this year brings you nothing but luck and good experiences.  
> I hope you like the chapter. I've been doing nothing, but writing it for the past few days. I'm proud I was able to finish it. Enjoy and excuse any mistakes made!  
> Feel free to let me know how you liked it!


	9. Breaking point

The candlelight wasn’t doing you much of a favor, but you were still managing to decipher Hange’s frantic scribbles tossed around a full body sketch of a titan. You caringly skimmed over your last page of information for the day and, careful not to tip over your inkwell, wrote down a summarized version of the notes on a small journal you had purchased for yourself a few days back from the market. With the feather still in your hand you guided your wrist over your tired eyes, rubbing them gently to discard at least a part of your exhaustion. Then you started writing again.

Despite her chaotic nature, Hange was a genius and every bit of information she had gathered in her book was astonishing. You had no idea how she had figured out half of the things noted down, but you couldn’t complain considering how much higher your understanding of titan nature was compared to a few days prior.

Gliding the tip of the feather over your chin you pondered with eyes focused solely on the titan sketch. So they didn’t reproduce, that much was established, but if not, where did they come from? Their numbers weren’t decreasing by the least no matter how many were slaughtered during missions.

“Ugh…” you groaned, finally acknowledging the sharp pain in your neck and lower back. You soaked your feather in the inkwell and setting it next to your candle on the night stand, noted the page you had reached before closing both journals and leaving them on the floor next to your bed and finally giving yourself a well-earned stretch. You uncrossed your legs and after squeezing your hip muscles, let them dangle over the side of your bed. A hand went up to roughly massage your neck, ridding it of the ache you had achieved after sitting motionless for hours, then, with arms stretched above your head, you strained your back forward, earning a few satisfactory pops. You released your hair from the mess of a bun it had become and pressed your fingers into your scalp, rubbing the numb pain away.

You scrambled silently, pulling the covers over your worn body and nuzzling into your pillow. You blew out the candle, letting your eyes adjust to the sudden darkness before looking up, out of your window, hoping to see stars, but sadly there were none, so instead you settled for revising your last few days as a means to fall asleep.

Your roommates were already asleep, they had been for a couple hours now. Thank the Heavens, they didn’t mind you doing your nightly research, as long as you were silent enough to not disturb them it was all good, plus, you were naturally talented at being a silent sneak so that greatly helped. Another good thing was that they didn’t really ask what kind of studying you did in such late hours.

It was still a bit uncomfortable being under the constant pressure to not wake them, but since they were still in training, they couldn’t participate in the mission all of your close ones had left to fulfill. Just your luck, you’d say, you were highly ranked among the Cadets and still had to share quarters with lower ranked rookies, but now that you thought about it, this was a better alternative than sharing a room with Petra. The girl would have probably tried suffocating you in your sleep after all that had happened.

You turned your back to the window and pressed your knee against the wall, now sliding your other hand under your pillow with a subtle yawn.

You couldn’t believe how boring your days were without your friends around to cause trouble. This week you had been at a complete loss about what to do and how to keep busy.

The first thing you had done is clean your room, even the parts that belonged to your roommates. It had taken you roughly a day, but by the end of it, everything was spotless and for once you actually thanked your Captain for teaching you the “proper” way to clean. The second day you had decided to focus on Hange’s research, but when coming up dry with paper to write down your newly acquired information, you had decided to make a trip to the bazaar and acquire a journal of your own. Of course you did pick up a few other necessary items such as donuts, wine, your favorable cheese and tomato stuffed bread and there was this adorable orphan girl that was selling flowers at that one corner and your heart just wouldn’t let you pass her without taking home at least a couple wild lavenders and chamomile.

After your adventure at the market you had returned to base and proceeded to have a nice lunch surrounded by your comfort food before pouring yourself a cup of wine and settling on your desk with both journals open and an inkwell ready for use. Since then your days have been particularly the same – wake up, make coffee, study, with the occasional snack in between breaks, settle in bed and continue studying, sleep. You had made a few more trips to the market to stock up on sweets, but that aside there wasn’t really much to do, Erwin’s quarters were locked as a safety precautions, so was Levi’s and God’s fucking knew you were not going into Hange’s basement of wonders unless you had at least 3 bodyguards with you.

In truth, you were bored out of your mind even if you were keeping busy with titan study, you had written around 15 pages for the last few days, which was good considering your wrist wasn’t complaining much. Maybe in a month you’d be as good as new and ready to fight again.

You still cursed yourself and your clumsy nature. Breaking a wrist just before a mission, mind-blowing, well it served you right to stay behind and die of lack of chores, you had done this to yourself after all.

Your fingers brushed against the skin of your neck, lightly pressing against a particular spot where Erwin’s mark had once been but had faded. You missed him, missed his warm and protective embrace and the way he would hum and melt whenever you were playing with his hair. His kisses that held so much meaning, they made you smile like a moron whenever he would place one on your forehead. The way his eyes crystalized with something you couldn’t put your finger on, but it only happened whenever it was just you two, and his rumbling chuckles that send shivers up your arms and made you cuddle closer into him.

You sighed and let your heavy eyelids fall, letting exhaustion creep over you and lead you to slumber.

They were returning tomorrow morning and the stress from overthinking of the casualties was killing you. It was like this every night, it’s why you were overworking yourself and staying up so late. You just couldn’t fall asleep unless you were on the brink of collapsing. You were so anxious, every single day the same thoughts plagued your mind, thoughts of your friends not coming back, never seeing Levi again…never seeing Erwin.

Even if you had kept your distance from the blonde Commander you were still attached to him, more than you liked to admit, and the chance of him not returning was driving you into a panic attack. You wouldn’t bear his loss, not after the growth of your relations. He said you were his….How were you supposed to live with that if he didn’t come home?

With an irritated groan you scurried the negativity out of your head and let yourself rest. Whatever the outcome was you’d take it head on. You wouldn’t be able to change a single thing anyway so stressing beforehand was pointless. There was no reason to poison yourself with worry when you were powerless and didn’t even know what the outcome will be.

You took one final deep breath and dozed off.

**~O~**

It was barely sunrise when your sleep was abruptly interrupted by an unknown Cadet who had decided to stomp in your room after obnoxiously knocking on the door and declare in a loud voice that Captain Levi had requested you for an urgent Squad meeting. He had not only disturbed you, but woken up your roommates as well, for which you were made well aware by a bunch of distinct grumbles and moaning curses.

You sat up, hair a mess, eyes puffy and a sour frown on your drained from color face. Despite the sleep clouding your vision and the dead-weight of exhaustion, you were still able to stare down the Cadet until he started fidgeting in his spot.

“I'll attend shortly.” you answered curtly, making sure the tone of your voice made it clear how unwanted his presence was.

“I will inform the Captain.” the Cadet rigidly saluted before scrambling out of your room and leaving you to deal with the mess that were the two groggy girls, which were tossing in their beds and occasionally yawning out quite the violent actions they would like to perform on the now gone intruder.

“Sorry.” you forced out with an apologetic smile, even if they couldn't see it “I wasn't really expecting visitors this early.”

You received a grumble from one of them while the other waved her hand dismissively at you, accepting your apology, but finding it too strenuous to produce words this early in the morning. You snickered to yourself at their responses before combing your stray locks away from your face and pulling the covers off of you. Your legs instantly protested, covering themselves in goose flesh the moment they were exposed to the coldness of the room. The sound of distant thunder grazed your ears and you turned your hazy gaze towards the window, noting the abundance of dark, heavy clouds creeping over the lightening horizon.

 _“Great...”_ you thought sarcastically and rolled your eyes. You had specifically planned training for today to warm up your wrist and scrape the rust off your combat skills, but with the rainy day progressing you'd achieve nothing, but a mere cold if you went out into the training fields.

You rubbed your hands against your face and took in a deep breath, then focused shortly on massaging your still burning from overuse eyes. You proceeded with flexing your jaw, feeling it strained and understandably so since you had the subconscious tendency of clenching it whenever you were speedwriting or concentrating greatly. With a silent yawn, you reached out for your uniform pants, which were hung on your desk chair along with the rest of your soldier attire, then proceeded to pull them on without leaving the comfort of your bed. The rest of the pieces making up your uniform were put on in a similar fashion until you were left with your feet planted on the floor but still lying in bed, fully clothed, looking at the ceiling just because you were too sleepy to leave right away.

You blinked lazily, sighed and with a noisy huff stood, resting a hand on the backrest of your chair as your stance was still very wobbly.

Boots. You forgot to put on your boots, no wonder your feet were freezing.

You looked to the floor, spotting the pair tucked under your desk before pulling them out and after a handful of tight belts, you secured them on your feet and straightened up, heading for the door.

 _“Holy...”_ you were stunned at what was happening beyond the peacefulness of your room. Headquarters was in chaos. Countless injured were being rushed towards the medical bay, some alone, others too wounded and requiring the help of comrades or nurses. The halls were buzzing, how had you not woken up from all the ruckus? Well, considering you had slept roughly around 4 hours, roughly as in that's how accurate your brain could decipher the pointers on the clock in your room, you had probably been too exhausted to be disturbed by mere sound.

You stepped forward, tried stopping a few people to ask what had happened on the mission, but you ended up either ignored, denied or answered with an incoherent jumble of words that mixed with the loud atmosphere. There was frantic screaming, cries of both physical and mental pain, names being yelled out questionably, hurried talking and God knows what more.

The confusion was starting to get to you, which combined with your short temper in the morning lead you to let out a loud, frustrated sigh. And then a friendly face appeared.

“Sasha!” you called out, forcing your way through the crowd to reach her before she could disappear, and managed to score a firm grip on her wrist “Sasha, what's going on? What happened?”

The girl almost looked scared of you for a split moment before she shook her head and pulled away from you.

“I'm sorry, (Y/N), I'm in a hurry.” she answered briefly and a bit too perfectly. Had she rehearsed that line?

“Captain Levi instructed us to point you towards him if you have any questions, since he was sure you'd ask anybody...but him.” Sasha let out a nervous laugh at the last bit and gave you the biggest fake grin you had ever seen, it honestly made you scrunch your nose.

With that the brunette scurried away and quickly blended with the massive crowd.

So...Levi had specifically instructed literally everybody to not tell you anything. Was this why he called for a meeting? To inform you of the outcome of the mission? To some extent you understood, most people would give you their personal verse of the story, while Levi was more...objective when it came to such matters, he most likely wanted to save himself the headache for when you sought him out later in the day after hearing what everybody had to say and coming out of the whole thing twice as confused as you had been when you had started off.

You spotted a few more familiar faces among the crowd and they all gave you the same looks – pity. The further you walked the higher the number became and it honestly stirred a mix of worry and plain out anxiety in you. Why were they all staring at you like that? Did they dislike you for not being able to attend the mission while they did and came back beaten and wounded? That was quite logical, but...they were friends. They wouldn't see things in such a way. Could it be something with your team? Had they gotten injured? Had Levi gotten injured?

Your pace absentmindedly quickened, your heartbeat following shortly after, your heals clanked firmer against the ground the closer you got to your Captain's office. Your fingers curled into fists and your nails dug into the softness of your palms.

Had they decided to dispatch you? If the mission had been successful and they had achieved their goal without you that meant...technically they didn't need you...

You halted in front of Levi's door, frozen in place, unable to bring yourself to knock. All the possibilities that were swarming your head like wasps made it too hard to concentrate, too hard to control your body even. You were...scared.

“Ugh!” you practically growled and stomped your foot harshly, shaking yourself up and dispersing your worry. You were overthinking, you were doing this to yourself, you needed to pull your head together and face the reality.

Suppressing your shakiness as much as possible, you made three firm knocks on the oak door before a muffled grant for entry was voiced from beyond. You hesitantly cracked open the door and squeezed yourself in through the tight space, gluing yourself to the wall and hastily saluting.

“You requested my attendance, Captain.” you stated, your frame was unmoving, however, your eyes wandered chaotically until settling upon the crutches rested against Levi's desk “Captain? You were injured...” you had intended to ask a question, but the longer your Captain's eyes kept a connection with yours the more you understood and so your question turned into a statement.

“Yes, I...underestimated my task and came out with a broken ankle.” he spoke in a monotone voice, facing away from you “So much for scolding you for being incompetent...Sit, Cadet.” he ordered, but to his displeasure you only took a few steps forward.

“My apologies, Captain, but I'll refrain until we're all gathered.”

“We have important subjects to discuss and I'd appreciate it if you sit – ” Levi pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance when you interrupted him.

“ – Where is everyone? I thought this was a Squad meeting.” you blurted out, feeling as if your hands and feet were being stabbed by dozens of needles. You were slowly, but surely descending into panic.

What was going on? Why was it just you and Levi? Was your team that injured that they couldn’t attend? Were they stationed in the medical bay? Were they alright? How bad were their injuries? What the hell had happened on the damn mission?!

“We're....what's left of the Squad.” Levi answered you and it took your brain a few moments to process that particular sentence, your body, however, responded instantly.

You saw his lips moving and at first you could hear, fail to understand, but pick up the sound of his voice. The more the screaming in your ears intensified, however, the less any other sound was recognized, it reached a point where you became completely deaf. Your ears were burning from the blood that had rushed into them, but you couldn't acknowledge the sensation.

The clock above Levi's head had slowed down and so had the motion of his mouth and his blinking. The world started to spin, faster and faster, until you had to concentrate all your energy into tracing the outlines of the room and remind your brain that it was an illusion. Despite everything you felt your knees weakening and ready to give out as you struggled to place order in your dizzy head.

A sharp string pierced your chest and you instantly gripped onto your shirt, squeezing as hard as you could without knowing why. It hurt from inside, you couldn't do anything, you didn't know if you could do anything. What was this pain...? What was happening...?

A sudden white light split the gloomy scenery beyond the window. Lightning. Thunder? Was that what you heard? You couldn't tell despite it being so powerful it had shaken the whole office.

Your stomach dropped like a rock and then a bile, burning sensation started rising from the pits of your core. You gagged, a hand rushing to cover your mouth. Saliva dripped from between your fingers as you continued coughing.

Your knees gave out.

You picked up a hue of darkness swish before you and reappear next to you, kneeling next to your trembling, gagging form. Levi...?

Despite a broken ankle, his crutches were tossed aside and he had rushed forward the moment he had witnessed all signs of life drain from your face.

“Don't you dare throw up on my carpet....” he whispered, but no trace of disgust or anger was detectable. He said it because he didn't really know what else to say.

Hands clasped onto your shoulders like claws and you visibly jumped at the touch, however your eyes were distant. You weren't...there.

Faces began to form before your eyes like sand paintings before dispersing just as quickly while you desperately tried to memorize their facial specifics. You couldn't...

Oluo, Eld, Gunther...Petra....Petra....Petra...

The image of Levi started clearing as the sand paintings dissolved into nothingness and you came to realize he had been holding you, kneeling next to you. Your face twitched, then scrunched and you threw yourself forward, pressing yourself in the Captain's shoulder as the first fit of sobs began. You couldn't breathe, your nose was already clogged and your mouth was overflowing with saliva and tears.

You wanted to scream, rip your hair out, thrash and trash and break everything in this lousy office and then curl in a corner. You wanted to bite and scratch and tear off your skin and take out your heart and stomp on it until it was dead.

But your voice was gone, you were weak, you were powerless so instead you wept loudly into Levi's shoulder, clutching onto him desperately, terrified without knowing why.

She died despising you, died thinking she was useless and unneeded and unwanted and all that was because of you. She died in misery, with her team but completely alone while carrying the weight of betrayal, regret, envy and horrid, insanity bringing pain.

Because of you.

“She died hating me...” you were able to muster out, muffled and weak from Levi's shoulder, you didn't mind, you didn't want to hear it even if you knew it already “She hated me...”

“(Y/N)...”

“She died broken and alone and it’s all my doing!” you intended to scream, but your voice cracked and the words came out in a strained squeak.

Your eyes shot open wide when you were pulled away only to be roughly shaken where you knelt as the furious expression of your Captain soaked in. He was talking, no, yelling, he was screaming at you, but you still couldn't hear him, his words were distant, you couldn't make out a single one. The only thing you were capable of doing was let the tears roll out of your unblinking eyes.

You were never going to see them again...

You remembered, remembered when Oluo would drink himself to Hell and back whenever you went to visit the occasional tavern. He would relish in the burning flavor of alcohol until he got piss off drunk and started hitting on everything that was walking on two legs and had visible boobs, he'd always receive at least a slap or two and while he clutched his cheek you would clutch your stomach from laughing. You remembered Eld's calm and patient ways as he trained you separately from the rest, late into the evenings. He would always step in front of you whenever you were caught acting upon one of your mischiefs and take the blame before scolding you and then wondering what the fuck to do with you. You remembered the stomach pains you would wake up with after spending a day with Gunther. The guy just wouldn't stop until he had you rolling around in his feet, scrambling for breath while you tried to stop laughing, but failed oh so miserably. And finally, Petra, the first friend you had made when you had entered the Survey Corps, the first one who had shown you any kind of kindness, one of your dearest friends....who you had failed and hurt beyond repair.

All the moments, all these memories that helped you fall asleep at night, now meaningless, their warmth gone from your heart, instead now left as painful reminders. You regretted so much, you would have done so many things differently, but your chance had been taken away from you.

Gone...

You felt a chill nip at your spine before your entire body was coated in cold sweat. You felt...hollow.

You blinked for the first time in a long while, visualizing Levi once again. You brushed his hands away, stood up and turned to the door, deaf to the repeatedly increasing in volume calls for you.

“Cadeeeeet!!!”

**~O~**

Thunder was an ally to you, at least for today. It covered your ferocious roars whenever your practice blades came in contact with the titan dummy. Blood was running down the base of the blades, pouring out from bruises of your bone white from squeezing your weapons knuckles. Your ankles ached, crying blood from the gashes in your now ruined boots, which were torn during your training. You couldn’t remember how many times you had kicked that training pole, but there was a visible dent in the wood if one actually took the time to notice. The salty flavor of sweat filled your mouth whenever you took in a waft of air, warning you that your body had reached its limit long ago and your chances of acquiring another injury were growing.

You stepped back from the dummy, blades ready, you barely stood, and the pain was so great, it had your face set into a permanent sneer. You wanted to ignore it, you did your best to, but it felt like you had broken both your ankles and your damned wrist wasn’t far behind in the complaint queue.

The rain beat down on your head and shoulders furiously, as if urging you to keep going, while the mud your boots and uniform were soaked in was devouring you, slowing you down, hinting you that you needn’t push yourself anymore. And you? You just wanted all of it to go away. Your body hurt, your entire body was in pain and still that disgusting feeling of loss wasn’t going away.

Tears prickled your eyes and the moment you felt a sniffle coming up, you charged, straight forward with weapons ready to dig deep and cause as much damage as possible, your jaws clenched once more, so tightly they were near breaking point.

The mud betrayed you. Your foot slipped, your breath hitched and you were either too tired to react or just didn’t feel like reacting at all. The end result was ungracefully planting your face in the sticky, muddy ground, sprawled like a roasted boar on a royal wedding.

You couldn’t even pick yourself up, you didn’t want to either. Instead you rolled over and stared up at the sky silently and motionlessly, tracking the lightning creeping from within the dark clouds or the shift in the direction of the rain whenever the wind decided to declare its presence. The droplets poured down on your face, cleaning away the mud, the tears, sweat and the blood from your bruises and guided everything to the forever hungry reaches of the earth, which soaked everything away. The mud devoured everything, but not you, sadly, you were cursed to stay above ground.

You didn’t even know where the blades were at this point, they were…somewhere around you, hopefully within view distance. You didn’t really try to look for them or do anything else except breathe and blink, but acknowledging you had them in your hands at some point was good to know considering you had to put them back where you got them from.

You hadn’t noticed the distinct clicking of boots against wood as a tall blond scurried to the men’s bunker, the roof over the porch of the training sheds doing little to protect him from the rain. He had initially looked out into the fields to check if the rain was stopping anytime soon, then he spotted a muddy mess of a human lying flat on their back, unmoving.

“Oi! Are you alright?” Reiner called out, testing the person and took a few steps closer after not receiving a response “Hey!” his previous worry of getting his white pants dirty while striding out in the storm all but vanished when he recognized the still figure and bolted forward “(Y/N)!!!”

“Fuck…Fuck!” he planted his knees in the mud, hesitating at first from not knowing what to do before unsurely grabbing onto your wrist and checking your pulse “Hey! Hey, you stupid twat, can you hear me? Are you awake?”

You made a strained noise to answer his question, then a second, louder one when he scooped you off the ground and carried you away from your mud angel. You didn’t really stop him, you lacked the willpower to do so, even if you weren’t sure you wanted to go wherever it was he was taking you. You could feel your legs dangling limply over the side of his lower arm. At least your ankles had frozen enough to not remind you how much you had fucked them up during training.

Reiner was surprisingly silent, you had expected him to have used half of all the known curse words directed at you while he was carrying you. However, much to your disbelief, there was nothing, only his rough and even huffs as he hurried towards the nearest means of shelter – the stables.

He set you down on a pile of hay before grabbing one of the blankets off a hanger stapled securely just to the left of the entrance and clumsily covering you with it. These blankets were used by the vets in case one of the horses got sick and needed the extra care, but such a thing rarely happened so this was one of the few times you were actually grateful for these blankets lying around. He had tugged another one over himself before sitting next to you, sparing your pitiful form the briefest look and then setting his eyes on the rain.

“Doing this won’t help you, trust me, I’ve tried.” he spoke up, a grim chill in his voice as unfriendly memories flooded his mind.

You listened to him very intently, but you refused to answer. You didn’t want to talk, you didn’t trust your voice at all and you hoped Reiner caught on and didn’t take your silence as ignorance. Instead you nodded, taking note of his glance when you did so. Now you were sure he knew you were listening.

“The pain doesn’t go away.” he continued, pausing, thinking over how to word his next sentence “I guess, it just gets easier to live with. This is war. It’s unforgiving and sadistic and hungry for carnage. And this is was we chose.”

The blond turned to you, his brows scrunching together in a sudden heap of pity when you visibly whimpered at his harsh motion, then he composed himself and continued on.

“Do you know how your team died?”

You shook your head, barely, but it was enough for Reiner. He sighed, a bit displeased that he was the one who had to inform you considering Levi’s orders to keep information out of your ears’ reach. Nevertheless, he saw it as your right to know even if the consequences might befall on his shoulders. Eh, he had plenty of guilt and responsibilities anyway, a small hustle from your Captain wouldn’t be too bad to handle.

“The Female titan.” he stated, trying to forgive himself for what he was doing. Maybe…someday you’d forgive Annie. Maybe if he ever got the chance to explain everything to you, you would understand…and you’d go with him. He wanted to save you, he wanted to save everyone, but if he had to choose one person who to take away from all this. He’d choose you. “She…I wasn’t there. I only heard the reports, but she, as planned, sought after Eren. The Special Operations Squad was supposed to take her out.” he fiddled with the loose threads of cotton that were poking from the ends of his blanket, finding them helpful in containing his guilt “She…They underestimated her and ended up…dead. We failed, (Y/N), we couldn’t catch her…I’m sorry for your loss.”

You leaned your head back against the hay piles stacked behind you, watching the wooden ceiling and listening to the disturbed horses around you snort and squeal whenever thunder boomed after a flash of light. Your mind was cruel, it filled your vision with the sight of your team bloodied, broken, squished, torn to pieces and with fear cropped permanently on their lifeless faces. If it weren’t for the rain you’d probably be able to hear their screams as well.

“Do you – “ you began, feeling a rasp nipping at your throat and cleared it harshly before continuing “ – Do you think this war will ever end?”

“I can’t tell you that…” Reiner puffed out a breath, following after you and also leaning back in the hay, looking up, his head rested a few inches away from yours. He contemplated silently.

You hummed at his response, accepting his response. You didn’t really want a particular answer from him, it was just a question you were stressing over.

“What if we run away? You, me and Bertolt.” Reiner croaked, cutting the silence that had been getting too heavy for both of you “Run away from everything.”

You chuckled weakly at his suggestion, smiling ironically at the ceiling.

“There’s nowhere to run, Reiner. We’re stuck like mice in a barrel.”

“What if there was a place to run to? A safe place. Would you run away then?” the blonde asked while internally kicking himself in the stomach.

Curse him! Curse him for being a weak-willed bastard and letting a measly nobody like you actually crawl under his skin and interfere with his mission. Curse you for poisoning him with your smile that just radiated warmth and gave him hope.

You made him feel normal, you made him believe that his sins would be forgiven and that he could right his wrongs. It was your fault he could fall asleep at night. All the blood, the lives he took, the fields of death he had seen and were burned in his mind, forever to haunt him, you just shone over those paintings of horror like an angel.

You trained him, protected him and always stood by him, in battle or otherwise. You were the sibling he had never asked for. After he had left home he felt the absence of his family despite Bertolt’s constant company. Betrolt was a good guy, but he was just a partner and nothing more.

Reiner had been doing fine until he met you because he had nobody and he could focus on his task. However, then you came along and the empty space where his family had once been was filled again, somehow. He didn’t know what you did, how you did it, but you were carved in his chest, your image was imprinted in his head and your name felt as if written on his bones. You were his responsibility now, you were the only thing that kept him sane.

You were the only salvation he had and despite going against everything he had pledged to do he was going to do anything in his power to save you. You had saved him, he needed to return the favor.

He just hoped that when he returned home with you, they’d spare you, kill him if they wished, but they’d let you live. Maybe Bertolt would care for you if Reiner died, hopefully…

He knew it was nearing. The time when you’d find out and stand against him in battle. He had to find a way to explain himself to you, he had to, he needed to in order to save you. He’d find a way, there was still time, not much, but enough.

“Sure….Why not?” you joked, sarcasm spilling from your lips like honey. You were unaware of how much weight your answer held, that was why it was so lighthearted.

It might have been sarcastic, but it was good enough for the blonde’s plan to commence. In every joke there was truth and that was all the reassurance he needed to know there was hope for you. You’d live on, he would make sure of it.

A wave of shivers started nipping at your flesh. You raised your head from the hay before scooting closer to the large blonde and pulling his arm around you, hoping this would be enough to warm you up. You didn’t want to return to Headquarters and from the way Reiner had made himself comfortable, he didn’t either.

You rested your head on his shoulder and felt the arm around you tighten. If nothing else, right now, at least you felt safe.

“Sometimes I wish I was a bird.” you mumbled “I could just fly away from everything, this place, these walls, you know?”

Reiner shifted in his spot and turned to face you, you saw a small shimmer in his eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on yours and letting his eyelids drop.

“I’ll take you away from all this, one day.” he whispered, as if afraid that somebody aside from you might hear him “I promise.”

Your conversation had ended with that, neither of you had anything else to say. Instead you just huddled together, keeping warm, drying and delving into the depths of your minds, consumed in your thoughts. The rain still raged outside, you could see it from the entrance to the stables, but you didn’t mind it. It soothed you in a way, along with the company.

That’s what you were right now, two people lost in thought, enjoying the silence and seeking solace and comfort in each other’s company as you waged wars with yourselves internally. It wasn’t that bad though, you had each other, after all.

**~O~**

Some time had passed before Reiner left you behind, still huddled up in the stables. He had to go, it was suspicious enough that you were missing all day, but if it were the two of you someone was bound start looking for where you had went. The blonde had decided to sacrifice himself and return to base and hopefully prevent others from trying to seek you out by stitching together a lie or two. You didn’t know what he had actually done, but you hadn’t been disturbed for the remainder of the day, which was likable to you, you preferred avoiding everyone. The pitiful looks they had spared you in the morning, they had been irritable enough, but now you also knew the reason behind them and it sickened you just how low they thought of you that they actually pitied you. You couldn’t bear to face those expressions again, not without doing something rash that you’d regret later.

The rain had persisted throughout the entire day, which had only secured your decision to stay within the company of the horses, cocooned in blankets, warm and cozy. Your uniform was still a tad bit soggy and your wounds had continued to remind you that they needed attendance, but you pulled through all the discomfort. You’d take care of yourself, but only when the coast was clear.

Reiner had suggested coming back to let you know when everyone had retired for the day, but you had dismissed his proposition. You’d rather him not risk to reveal your whereabouts and he had accepted, even if reluctantly.

After waiting a few hours into the night and hoping it had become late enough for the majority of troops to head to bed, you had finally decided to abandon your lair and make your way to Headquarters, more specifically the cafeteria, where you were currently residing, alone.

During your stroll, you had tried being as stealthy as possible even if you couldn’t properly walk because of your swollen ankles. You didn’t want company, you wanted solitude, badly, and to your luck, nobody had checked on the almost completely silent paddling of boots in the corridors.

Despite your current mental state, your stomach still wanted its share of food for the day and you had obliged, although rather poorly. The only thing that you could force down your throat was bread, you couldn’t look at soup, let alone fish or any other sort of substance that even mildly resembled blood or gore.

You had tried to swallow a spoonful of broth, ending up chocking and then falling into a fit of deep breaths as to prevent gagging. It tasted horrid, metallic and gooey to you, like blood, mostly everything you tried consuming did, except for bread. That’s why it was the only thing finished from the tray you had prepared for yourself.

After realizing that you were not going to sate your hunger properly, you just moved on to desert – alcohol.

While in the kitchen and gathering up scraps and leftovers you had been keeping an open eye out for some sort of alcoholic substance. As if on que, the polished glass of a bottle shone in the light of your candle, hidden well behind a stack of crates, but not well enough. When you dug in to pull out your newly found treasure you noted that half of the content was already gone.

 _“Someone sure likes to drink around here.”_ you had thought nonchalantly. Maybe it was one of the chefs, it could be, they were probably sick of preparing the same meals over and over again for years now. Who could blame them if they took a few swigs here and there?

You unwounded the cap clumsily before pouring yourself a nice, mouth-filling shot and gobbling it down before scrunching your face as a few tears escaped the corners of your eyes. The nightmarish images in your head started to blur the more you indulged in forcing yourself to drink, in time the voices in your ears subsided too. Each sip became easier to swallow as you continued and soon there was only a third of the whiskey left, residing on the bottom of the bottle.

Your head had started spinning a while back, but it wasn’t until you had laid it on the table that you actually realized it. You refused to close your eyes fully, even if your eyelids felt unrealistically heavy, if you did you might just end up emptying what little food you had been able to consume out of your stomach.

To keep yourself occupied and not fall asleep, you decided to focus on the mess of bread crumbs you had left on the table. You inhaled slowly before blowing them away, but not far enough for them to fall off the table, so you tried again.

You were grimy, dirt littered your shaggy uniform, which clung to you and undoubtedly smelled horrid, but you couldn’t really pick up the smell yourself. Your knuckles were graced with spots of dried blood and your hair was hard to distinguish from a bird’s nest and you had honestly planned on a bath after your meal, but after so little food and so much whiskey you had all but forgotten that side task. At least there was nobody present in the cafeteria to actually pick up your smell or see how you looked, at least that’s what you thought.

You hadn’t really noticed the distant echo of footsteps coming closer towards you, your ears were buzzing too much and your mind was too hazy to function properly. When arms wrapped around you and proceeded to lift you up, you made nothing more than a groan in protest and let yourself be taken away. You heard your captor sigh as you were pressed against a bulky shoulder and when you planted your nose into it your rigid body instantly relaxed. You knew that musky smell too well to not be able to recognize it.

Erwin.

His body heat lulled you into a half-asleep state as he carried you silently through the halls until you were brought to the safety of his office. He settled you on his couch in a sitting position, but your head felt as if it was being pulled down by gravity and as soon as the security of hands left you, you toppled over, with the side of your face smushed in the softness of the cushions.

“Undress.” were his only orders before he disappeared behind a slightly ajar door while rolling up the sleeves of his shirt.

You had spared his broad back a nonchalant glance before returning to staring into nothingness.

Time felt so slow, you thought you had been lying on that couch for hours, but it had been mere moments. The dizziness you had been battling came back in full force when you sat up and you had to lean your head back as your sense of balance vanished. Stiff fingers blindly unbuttoned your dirty shirt before you pulled it off of you with visible difficulty. Then came the boots, but the moment you tried bending over to unbuckle them you felt the bile in your throat rise and you sat back up sharply. Shit.

You looked back to the door the man had hidden behind, recognizing the sound of running water, but paying the detail little mind.

“Erwin…” you called, hoping that he had heard you despite the weakness of your voice.

Surely enough, he reappeared, droplets of water dripping from the tips of his fingers. His eyes were focused on you in question and after your glances met you directed your attention to your feet, shuffling them to hint at him.

“Help.”

“I should have suspected you’d be unable to undress in this state.” he sighed, scolding himself, much to your displeasure, before stepping in front of you and kneeling. He undid your boots and held firmly to one heel before looking up at you “Brace yourself.”

You hissed when the roughness of the leather scraped against your sensitive ankle and twitched a bit in your spot, but did your best to stay still and cooperative. Soon, the pair sat next to you, on the floor and from the way they looked you could definitely tell you needed to replace them. You sighed in relief while gently twisting your feet, relishing in the freedom despite the pain.

Next, you undid your pants and with a little tug from Erwin here and there, they were off and tossed in a pile next to your boots. Now you were left in your undergarments and if it weren’t for your broken, exhausted, intoxicated and malnourished state, you would have been as red as a ruby displayed in front of your Commander, practically naked. However, with everything spinning around in your head, your current predicament was too small of a problem to stress over.

“You will need to remove your undergarments as well for me to give you a proper wash.” Erwin stated calmly, seeming completely oblivious to the fact that he was asking you to undress completely while in his presence.

You blinked at him, awestruck, then crossed your arms and frowned.

“I think I can bathe myself.”

“Of course.” he nodded and rouse to his full height and you suddenly felt so irrelevant and weak before him “However, I’m not risking letting you out of my sight in this condition.”

“Mh…” you protested, rubbed a hand over your face to massage away the numbness, then nodded “Fine.”

You stood and turned your back to him, removing your bra in the meantime. It slid off your shoulders and was tossed aside carelessly before you slid your panties to your knees and wiggled your way out of them. A hand lifted up to cover the hardened flesh of your nipples as you tried to maintain some sort of dignity.

This was fucking priceless.

“Can you walk?” Erwin asked softly. He kept his distance from you, especially now that you were unclothed and exposed. He didn’t want to intimidate you, not now when you were most vulnerable. He knew you needed help, that it was hard to keep your feet from tangling, but your moral boundaries were still unknown to him and he didn’t risk overstepping them by offering his help more than he was already.

You nodded silently.

“Good. Follow me.” he walked past you, refusing to look at you, for which you were grateful even if you didn’t voice it.

His sleeping quarters were clean and tidy and smelled of freshness and cologne. You tried your best to consume all the new details bestowed before you as soon as the door had been widely open. It was a cozy room, nothing special, but everything one would expect from the Commander’s living space.

His bathroom was not much different, you noted when you entered, only it smelled like shaving cream. It was again simple, but in a good way. You noticed the mirror in front of the sink and Erwin’s razor left on the edge of the sink, freshly cleaned.

 _“So he shaved recently.”_ you thought, not that it mattered, you just…noticed, for some reason.

The bathtub was steaming, there were a handful of candles surrounding it to provide some light in the dark little room. A towel was neatly folded on the floor alongside a small metal container with a bar of soap in it. Close next to them was a bucket of water, also steaming and another, smaller towel, prepared specifically for your hair after it was washed. Boy, was this man prepared.

You held onto Erwin’s shoulder as you stepped inside the bath and slowly succumbed to the warmth of the water and submerged yourself completely for a moment. The blonde knelt next to you once you made yourself comfortable in the water and dunked the soap inside before coating his hands and proceeding to rub them over your neck. His fingers were gentle, despite the roughness of his battle-worn skin, they trailed everywhere, slipped through every crevice and even behind your ears before tending to your hair. You couldn’t help the sigh that escaped you once he began massaging the soap into your scalp. You could almost feel the dirt disintegrating from your body and along with the scalding water it actually helped you regain a part of yourself you had lost somewhere along the way of drinking your problems away.

“Erwin?” you spoke up, not turning to him, but saw his head shift from the corner of your eye “Why do you act oblivious to me being naked?”

Then you met his gaze, a blank expression on your face with a tinge of exhaustion which was evident from your half-lidded eyes.

It was his lack of action upon seeing you unclothed that had given you enough comfort to actually let him bathe you. He seemed completely unfazed, his demeanor had not changed a bit after you had taken your uniform off. He just wanted to help and that’s what he was focused on, the fact that you were sat before him in your most vulnerable state seemed to mean nothing to him. To some extent it bothered you. Did the man have immense control over himself? Even over his most primal instincts? Or did he just find you unattractive? It was a stupid matter to ponder over, but somehow you couldn’t get this out of your head and it was pulling you back from enjoying the little comfort you found in your bath time.

The man leaned forward, resting his elbows on the edge of the tub and ripped apart any doubt you had about yourself in an instant with a sharp look. He knew where this was going and you could tell he didn’t like the thoughts that were swimming in your head.

“I am far from oblivious.” he answered simply, the baritone of his voice lower than what you were used to “But my goal is your trust and affection, not your body. I’m older than you, (Y/N), and I quenched my thirst for a woman’s touch long before you became a Cadet. What I want now is the comfort of a partner, not the lust of a wench.”

The thoughts nipping at your sanity were ended with those words as quickly as they had occurred. You trusted him completely. Erwin was a strong man, solemn in his decisions, he lead a fucking military branch, after all. He knew what he needed and wanted, unlike you, and from the patience he showed you, he was willing to wait and see if you wanted him like he did you.

You weren’t sure if you wanted him, but you needed him. From what little time you had shared, you found yourself relaxing only in his presence and that alone was enough to keep you returning to him. He kept you strong and replenished your will to keep fighting. You definitely needed him.

Erwin was especially careful while cleaning the skin around your wounds, which still wasn’t enough to prevent you from gritting your teeth whenever soapy water came in contact with your exposed flesh. However, all this was your own fault and you were at least trying to take responsibility for it, or a part of it. When the water had finally turned murky and you were ready, you stood slowly and let the blonde pour the bucket of water over you, to clean away any soap or grime that still clung to you. After that you squeezed what water you could out of your hair before stepping out of the bath and unclogging it.

You were securely wrapped in a towel before the blonde laid and arm around you and lead you out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. Your wet feet padded loudly against the wooden floor along with the clicking of his boots. It soothed you how your paces matched, it reminded you that you weren’t alone. You refused company in your current state, just imagining the loudness of a crowd made resentment boil within your chest, but Erwin’s company you could withstand, you enjoyed it even.

You were sat on his bed and left to dry off your hair as the man tended to the wounds on your ankles. A set of scissors, bandages, spirit and cotton had been prepared beforehand and set on a tray next to where you were positioned. You almost rolled your eyes at the medical equipment. The man was really prepared.

You laid the smaller towel over your head and began to soak away the water from your locks, digging your nails in your scalp and gritting your teeth whenever the spirit soaked cotton came in contact with your self-inflicted gashes. You set the now damp towel in your lap and let your hair air dry, keeping yourself occupied with watching your Commander wrap the bandages around your ankles before tying them securely and motioning for your hands next.

You slid your hand in his larger palm, finding it humorous how much wider they compared to yours. The man was big, that much was well known, but you had never taken the time to acknowledge how much he dominated you in that aspect.

“I suppose this will do for now.” he mumbled after finishing the wrap on your left hand and gathering the rest of the supplies on the tray “I’d advise seeking medical attention tomorrow for a check-up.”

He set the tray onto his nightstand and reoccupied his hands with a pair of folded clothes, setting them next to you and taking the hair towel from your lap.

“They won’t fit you, but at least you’ll be comfortable in them while you sleep.” he said and stood aside, letting you dress and throwing the two towels over his shoulder once you had handed him the second one. He couldn’t help, but chuckle.

“You look like a potato sack.”

You only scoffed at his statement before settling under the covers.

Speaking of size difference, you could completely lose yourself in his shirt. It flopped around you like a cape and the pants he had lend you barely stayed around your hips.

Erwin headed for the door silently, deciding it was finally time he left you alone before you actually tried to run away from his constant pestering. However, when his hand wrapped around the door handle you stopped him.

“Wait!” you squealed, face half hidden under the covers, with only your eyes visible in the candle’s light, begging him to stay “Please…don’t go.”

Erwin looked back at you, contemplating, before releasing the door and nodding once. He walked to his wardrobe, draping the towels over the doors before unbuttoning his shirt. He undressed slowly, letting you rethink your decision just in case, but you were certain. You didn’t want to be alone.

The bed creaked when he slid in beside you, protesting to his sudden weight, but he paid it no mind. Your eyes didn’t want to meet his anymore and he accepted it, instead resulting to pulling you closer to him until your nose was poking his chest, dug into his simple, white tank top. He knew what was to happen and he had accepted it the moment he had decided to hear your plea and stay, he just didn’t know how to help except let you go until you tired yourself out and fell asleep.

It began with you trembling, trying to suppress the chaos that was building inside you until it was too much and you ended up pressing yourself harder into him. You gripped a fistful of his tank top, twisting it around your knuckles as much as your strength allowed, afraid that he’d disappear like them and you’d never see him again. Just like you wouldn’t see them. Your team, your family…

Then the sobs erupted from your throat, unstoppable and shaking your small frame with each breath. Your fist pounded against his chest weakly, despite you trying to hit him with all your might. Your desperation drove you at first, but the more you cried the faster it dissolved until you were left empty.

He held you through everything, a stoned expression on his face, but his eyes betrayed him. They were filled with guilt, self-loath and disgust targeted at himself for shattering you and turning you into the mess you were now. He wished he could fix you, take all of your pain away and relive it himself if he could as long as it would soothe you.

He had failed you, you and your team and he wouldn’t forgive himself for it. Ever. Another burden on his shoulders to carry, although this one would weigh more than the rest.

He let himself close his eyes and rested his lips on the top of your head in silent apology for all that he had caused you.

You wept the night away, curled up in the chest of a man filled with guilt as the raid raged on outside.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, this one was heavy to write. I've been gone for a while again, but I'm still not giving up on this story. I'm hoping to be able to write at least 6 more chapters this year since I've already planned out the plot for a few chapters ahead.  
> As usual, let me know what you thought! For me personally it was difficult to try and stuff down everything a person goes when they lose a close one in a single chapter. Hopefully it didn't come out too bad because I had to crop out a lot of parts and save them for the upcoming chapter.


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